Flametrick Subs

Last night I went to see my favorite local band the Flametrick Subs. They were playing at my least favorite bar Beerland. Once they started playing however I completely forgot where I was. I love them that much!


My evening had started out at Mohawk, I was hoping to catch 'I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness' but I honestly couldn't listen to whatever exceedingly boring band that came on first. The last time I frequented Red River I had tried to catch them without success. I'd heard they were good and I just love the name!


I passed the time before the Subs went on looking at potential tattoos at True Blue. I know exactly which tattoo I want next. I have a tiny botched ladybug on my upper calf. At the time I got it I had a group of girlfriends, we called ourselves the Ladybug Club, I know, I know.... We each have a ladybug tattoo. We chose which ladybug and where to put it, even what color it should be. Anyway it is smaller than my pinky nail and shouldn't be difficult to incorporate into a larger ladybug. I still want the tattoo to be a ladybug. It seems wrong to me to cover up the original intent of the tattoo. I had a lot of fun with those girls until the whole thing simply exploded. Thinking about the girls reminds of just how long my last manic episode lasted. I think when Tom gets home he and I need to go and get that tattoo fixed. It wouldn't be a true manic episode without a commemorative tattoo.

I seriously considered going to play pool while waiting for the Subs. Odd considering I normally don't understand why anyone would want to play pool in the first place. For some reason knowing how to play pool sounds really, really fun. Would all my impulses be so innocuous.

Anyway, got to Beerland just before the Subs went on and was having a really good time until I started to feel the effects of one of my bi-polar drugs. Goddammit I hate having to take medication all the time. I ended up leaving way before their set was done absolutely fuming over the need to take medication at all.

It is during periods of manic that people tend to quit taking meds and I can tell you exactly why. I was so angry yesterday and knowing why I got those side affects make it difficult to want to put myself through it again. I felt tremendous last night. Right now I can barely remember what it felt like at the low point of my last depression. The reasons for taking medication are so much clearer when I am in a down swing. I am so pissed off being chained to something that isn't making sense right now. If I feel this good, am operating this capably why I on earth do I need to take meds in the first fucking place? I know better and yet I find myself sorely tempted. It isn't just losing the side effects either. Ever since I realized that I was manic the old and familiar thought 'just stop taking them, see what happens' comes along. Crazy, right? I know it doesn't make sense for a whole host of reasons the scariest being the current regimen of medication which is working so nicely right now probably wouldn't work anymore if I went off and then back on again when things got dire. A very close second is contemplating the mess I could create by being off meds. Its easy to talk myself away from that one with 'it'll be different this time, I just know it'.

I am glad that I am thinking and not just feeling. The temptation isn't going to go away. I went almost completely off my Lithium last time. I'm pretty sure I haven't admitted that before now. What resulted was a need for so much Lithium in response that it caused enough side effects to require a whole new regimen. By that time I was in the middle of a down swing and having to take a drug that was hurting me in addition to not working well was misery. If I weren't writing about this right now I probably wouldn't have remembered that.

I'm still pissed off that I have to take meds. I'm really pissed off that the meds interrupted a fun night. I'm irritated that I can't let myself feel as good as I know I could.

The next time I go out I will wait until I get home to take my meds. Friday nights I often take my meds later than ideal. Technically I'm supposed to take them the same time everday. If I take them really late I always feel a bit giddy which serves as a reminder to take them. I really don't see the harm in allowing myself to feel a little giddy while out having fun. I will feel the side effects of the medication later into the following day but who really cares? The less pissed I am about all this the easier it is stay on meds. The fewer opportunities to question the needs for meds at all, the better. I am trying to chalk last night up to 'live and learn'.

Tom is coming home tonight and I'm looking forward to venting with him. I miss him combined with last nights misadventure is probably going to lead to another week of grumpy Miss Me.

At least I can see these things coming, that combined with the fact I once again am rereading that same stupid book for like the twentieth time. I don't have OCD I just approximate aspects of it when manic.

So in closing...pool and tattoos will soon be in my future. Getting a tattoo makes me happy especially when I picture my mother's face if she ever found out I've got one.