Antidote to Friday

Tom and I went to Texas Hills Vineyard today. Thankfully the harpy owner was not there. Tom tasted his favorites, the heavier reds and sampled the Moscatos and Ports. On my first trip to this winery my favorite was Orange Moscato and I regretted not getting a bottle. I remedied the mistake. Tom and then took off for Chisholm winery, or so we thought. A slight navigational error put us way off and we just couldn't make the winery before closing. No big deal. We laughed it off. We do our best talking when driving. It's just Tom, me and the road. This has been true for us since the beginning. He loves maps. We used 4 maps (which makes getting off course that much more humerous. So as I said we talk well on the road.

I mentioned in my last post that seeing my uterus and ovaries on screen had an unexpected and primal affect on me. Tom and I discuss children as an ‘idea' with more frequency since the advent of Serif. I had a brief period, just before Tom began his intensive chemotherapy, where I wanted a baby. In a fit of insanity I thought being pregnant while he was undergoing chemotherapy would be a 'good' idea. We tried and tried. I even went on a mild form of fertility medicine. God knew better. Thank you God. I say that because my thoughts hadn't gotten past getting pregnant. I don't think I gave any thought the human being we would create. When we got the results of his zero sperm count we were devastated. The result was that I took a critical look of my life and began to see that I simply was not and may never be ready for motherhood. I also asked the question do I actually want children and if so why? I was worried that my desire to be pregnant had just been a desperate need for something normal and happy. On examination I repeatedly came to the conclusion that the answer was a resounding no. Lately, however Serif has me wondering if there aren't some really neat advantages to joining the 'parent club'. My SIL and BIL make it look easy. I worked as a nanny for several years so I know how hard they really are working at being good parents. Kudos to them! I say all of that and yet seeing my uterus and ovaries caused something primal to stir in me. I think that is really weird. Tom has an intense desire to be a father. He would be a phenomenal father. The topic is a more and more frequent one between us. We asked the priest who married us to leave out the blessing for children since at that time it was something neither of us wanted. Tom was more adamant about not having children than me. I honestly believe that the ceremony and wedding vows are important. The blessing, in my mind is real and we rejected it. We couldn't even foresee a time when a family would pose a legitimate desire. Here we are, 11 years later and one of wants children so very badly and the other is on the fence. I hate that I am what stands between Tom and his dream of a family. I bring up my pragmatic and logical reasons. My arguments make sense but ultimately are pointless. Pragmatism and logic having nothing to do with his intense and earnest desire for kids. I have no idea where this ongoing discussion will take us. I'm 36, not an ideal age for starting a family. Still I find myself closer to accepting children as a real possibility.

Tom and I ended our day by bringing home some Rudy's Barbeque (expensive!) and opening a bottle Alamosa's Viognier 2004. This is the first viognier that we liked. It's a difficult grape to grow. Alamosa grows these grapes themselves. We have found that makes a huge difference in the quality and flavor of the wine. When winerys just buy the grapes from another vineyard they don't have the intimate knowledge of growing and caring for the grapes. That is our experience anyway. The Viognier was great with barbeque and I think it would be a perfect compliment to turkey or ham.

Prost!

Crappy Friday and my Mom's conviction

Friday sucked. There is no other way to put it. I am going to be discussing problems with my reproductive organs/cycle and problems therein. There, you've been warned.

My monthly cycle has never been normal or followed a predictable path until recently. During highschool I went 6 months without a period and did so again when I was about 22. I was briefly on birth control in the late 80's but didn't stay on long. Then about a year before Tom and I married I went on the Norplant. For 4 years I had a very light period once a year. After the Norplant my cycles were long, heavy and completely unpredictable. It has only been in the last year that my cycle has decided to normal out. The new routine is even worse.

I have never kept track before because there was just no point. I could have no period or a cycle that varied from 20 days to 32 days. I have been on a very fast cycle (about 20 -25 days) recently. I spot for about a week including some small clotting, have slight cramping and intense breast tenderness and for a couple of days my nipples will hurt so much that I have to lay on a heating pad to get relief. All this constitutes my premenstrual stage. In addition I am incredibly irritable, abnormally emotional and over sensitive. Tom is so sweet and understanding. He is amazing! I don't know how he does it. There should be a medal.

The second phase of my cycle begins with moderate bleeding, larger clots which are occasionally stringy, breast tenderness and cramping. This lasts a day maybe two. The worst stage is next.

Phase three is the worst. I have always been a heavy bleeder but it is nearly uncontrollable for two days. I have to change my accoutrement every two hours! That is insane and it is no guarantee that I won't have an accident! Factor in the massive clotting and well you get the picture. The breast tenderness is gone but the cramps are almost unbearable. Some are so bad I find it difficult to think clearly. Every time I've been to the doctor I've been told the same thing. Birth Control. I'm really, really not interested in any sort of hormonal therapy.
,More on that in a bit.

The end of my cycle is about 2 days of moderate bleeding, light cramping and moderate clotting. Then anywhere from 4 to 11 days of spotting, small clots and mild cramping. All in all I am bleeding, cramping, clotting and having breast pain for about 3 weeks. About a week to two weeks is all the respite I get.

So, I decide to give the doctors another go at it. I made an appt. with my PCP for 9/13/06. She heard my concerns about hormonal therapy and decided to send me to an OB/GYN and she ordered a sonogram. I really like my OB/GYN. I met with her on 10/05/06. She is smart and very upfront. She listens to and answers questions. She said that the 2 of the meds I'm on, Lithium and Lamictal, could be contributing to the changes in my cycle. Super great. I was uncomfortable doing the examination as I was bleeding. Blood was drawn that day and the sonogram was scheduled for 10/20/06.

I got the results of the blood tests this week by mail. Everything was normal except that I am anemic. To quote my OB/GYN "very anemic". So now I have to take iron supplements. Just what I needed, another pill. I am going to have to call my shrink next week and keep her abreast of these exciting new developments. The anemia can cause fatigue, which is also a symptom of depression. If I'm experiencing fatigue due to the anemia rather than the bipolar it could be that a change in medication is needed.

The sonogram. All in all not so bad. The didn't see much with the belly sonogram (even though I CHUGGED 40 0z of water in 5 minutes) so they had to go to the dildo sonogram. I'm sure they have some other word for it, but that is what it was. I had to insert it myself and then she took over. I got to see my uterus and ovaries. It was really easy to see. My ovaries look normal, I even saw follicles! My uterus is normal shaped but the lining is too thick. To the untrained eye everything looked normal and healthy. Which brought forth some unexpected feelings. I will address this in a second post.

The lining of my uterus is really, really, really, really, really thick. The OB/GYN said that if normal lining was like Berber carpet or plush carpet, mine was a shag rug! So, naturally she wanted to do a epidemial (uterus) biopsy. I hear biopsy and freak. Tom's biopsy was painful, awful and invasive. She talked me through the procedure. She would could reschedule and knock me out but in the end I decided it was better to know sooner. She said she had done 3 that day. They need to examine the cells for cancer, which is a possibility. It was very uncomfortable, and when she was sucking and scraping out the lining it felt like the most intense cramp ever, ever, ever. It's done and that's good.

, My OB/GYN feels that progesterone is going to be the best course of treatment. I'm not crazy about this idea but my through the roof estrogen levels have to be brought under control. I was hoping to rule out anything bad and just let my cycle do what it does. My high estrogen levels put me at risk for several types of cancer. I'm simply not producing enough progesterone to keep the estrogen in check.

The cancer thing is of course scary. It's not likely but possible. However, they don't test if it isn't possible. The insurance won't pay. I'm anxious for the results. I called my mother. I told her about the whole ordeal. When I mentioned the C-word she said, "Well, I don't accept that".

Neither do I.

Thank you, momma.