Choices

So what to do with my new found power? I think that I must begin with an assessment of things I need to change and things I want to change. I will begin with my needs.

I need to make sure Tom knows how much I love him each and every day. I need to be certain that I encourage him in his endeavor to live healthy. I need to be the best wife that I can possibly be.

I need to at least attempt to find a way to connect in a meaningful, healthy and healing way with my dad. I acknowledge that there may be no way to change what is, but if I don't try I will regret it. I know he loves me, but he is flawed. I don't have the power to change anything about him so I must work within the limits of who he is. I love him, too. I am still here, in his life. Whether I realized it or not I never gave up on him. There are countless times that I resolved to write him out of my life but couldn't find a way to do this without hurting my mother. This is only a half truth. I cannot write him out without doing damage to myself as well. Taking that sort of action would only encourage old wounds to fester. I believe that hate hurts the hater as much as whom they hate, maybe even more. Negative energy is negative. Negative isn't positive. I know, I know. Duh! Anyway, I have learned a lot about daddy and how to get along with him. I could over think this but because I've learned how to have quality time with him (occupying same space peacefully) what's needed now is a little quantity time. The old battle lines are still visible but the war is over. Just a few years ago I would have preferred to do damage to myself than admit that I care about him, but I do. I need to let him be my dad. This is brand new and slightly scary territory for me.

I need to continue to enrich the relationship between my mother and myself. She and I have started and stopped a weekly lunch date. After the holidays we have plans to pick this up again. I try to remember to call her at least once a week and to drop in for chats. The strife and tension from my childhood has affected the sort of closeness we each desired. She and I have been actively working towards closing that chapter and are so far finding success. She is a dear sweet woman who loves me with all her heart. She has been my champion and guardian angel my whole life going so far as to putting herself between me and my father taking blows meant for me. I wish only to honor and enjoy her, she is 67 and her age weighs heavily on my mind these days. I need to know my mother as my friend.

I need to quit smoking. It doesn't make me feel good, I hate everything about them. The last time I quit cold turkey. I just don't think I can do that again. I can take the patch. I plan to put aside the money from the cigarettes for a specific purchase, I should have all I need in 3 months time.

I need to lose weight. This means I need to start walking again. I will also be going to the gym with Tom and swim laps while he does something unspeakable on a machine. Yechh!

I need to keep to a schedule. My midget is hiding but I've got him cornered and one day soon he'll be back on the job.

I need to keep my house clean. I am a terrible house keeper. It can fall into such disarray in the blink of an eye. A disorganized house can make my ADHD and BiPolar nearly impossible to manage. As an incentive will be to invite people over on a regular basis. The new setup helps a lot although I couldn't tell you why. Maybe it's just cause I like it better.

These are not resolutions. I think they're kinda silly and self-defeating. I am simply exercising my right to choose how I want to live this life. Outside of my midget I have no organized plan but charting what I am doing seems to push me into what I'd like to be doing.

Whew! Man, I need a lot. Wants will have to wait until later.