Really, really getting old

Thursday I started yet another new med. I was completely out of it for 15 hours or so. The first being more or less knocked out and the last being seriously drowsy. This is not working. Now I am trying the same med at half the dose. This drug is 'tricky', that is exactly how my shrink put it. At some doses it is tranquilizing and at other doses it is the exact opposite, sort of manic making. She thinks I will need to be at 140mg-160mg. I have reduced my Adderal XR (for ADHD) by half, instead of 60mg I now take 30mg. I am down to 600mg of Lithium (for BiPolar) from 1800mg. My tremors are gone, my skin is no longer cracked and peeling, no more diahrea, my blood pressure is where it should be and no more edema. Clearly I am not meant for high doses of Lithium. I am down to 100mg of Lamictal (for BiPolar) from 300mg. I feel more like me than I have in a long time except that I have resumed more normal (relative) state of manic. What does this mean? I am actually stepping out of my house and joining the world again, I want to be where the people are. My house is cleaner and I am looking forward to things again. It also means that my complete and total inability to sleep has returned. Yay! My feeling that something isn't right, that there is something I must go do has returned. I am restless and am scared that my more reckless side will return. Manic loves instant gratification and rarely considers consequences. I am more aware than I have ever been as to exactly why I feel this way. Had I not gone through the months of slugging it out with Lithium I do not believe I would have this insight. I would love to believe that this alone will help, but I just don't buy it. It is 3:14am, I should be sleeping but simply cannot. The rest of it cannot be far behind. I feel like I have less answers than ever before. I think my doc is feeling some frustratio as well. As each drug proves incompatible the choices become more and more extreme. I have considered going on medical disability. It would be truly excellent if I can stay with the state until June of 2008. Then I qualify for retirement benefits. I am missing a lot of work and I worry what happens when FMLA runs out. I have successfully scared the crap out of my work by proving I understand the rules a hell of a lot better than they do. They have backed way off but they do know what actions they can take when my FMLA is gone. So do I. They fired a guy this year under similar circumstances. He was really stupid and thought he could get away with a trip to Europe on FMLA but he did have psychological disturbances. He did not follow the rules and infact was rather indignant that they suggest he did. Ok, maybe not so similar but you get my drift. I am tired of fighting to be normal. I am not, nor will I ever be like everyone else. I am not, nor have I ever been suicidal but I get why there is a high incidence of suicide among people with bipolar. It can get really, really overwhelming. I feel like there must be some other option to fighting with drugs and worrying about work but I just can't see it yet.