Paralyzed

I've had to go by work twice this week and I have to go once more this afternoon. My anxiety level over this has been tremendous.

I think Monday was the worst. I had to go by and pick up my paycheck. I had discussed my anxiety with group on Monday morning. My usual way of dealing with panic has been to either totally avoid whatever was causing it or simply waiting for it to pass. I had no experience preparing myself mentally before hand. The group had a lot of helpful suggestions. In the end though I sat on my couch obsessing on my trip to work, magnifying it beyond anything even remotely probable. I finally pulled myself together at the last possible moment. I called ahead to let management know that I would be showing up. I was met in the lobby. This was a godsend because I felt like I might have a total melt down.

After group on Monday I stopped by my psychiatrist to pick up a completed form. The form is part of the cadre of forms needed to request temporary disability leave. Another part of the request is a memo to the director of DPS stating which type of leave without pay I was requesting and the circumstances creating the need. I could have saved myself a second trip to work by having this memo ready however part of my obsession involved writing about 6 different possible memos. I thought I would have to go into the office proper and use a computer owing to a DPS memo template for MS Word. This is what my first-line supervisor had told me anyway. Turns out until my disability leave is granted I am not allowed into the office proper. I have not been fired nor have I resigned, I found this response rather odd. Anyway, I was again met in the lobby this time with a copy of the DPS letter head to type out my request.

Last week I requested a meeting with my bureau manager to discuss the counselings I received over 2 weeks ago. I knew she would be out last week. I planned to call and remind my supervisor on Monday about my request to meet with her. I guess I put it off, I should probably remind my supervisor when I call in this morning. I plan to request a transfer out of fingerprints and the leave I am requesting. I am wondering now if they will try to block a meeting with her. I am of course now stressing about that. My bureau manager is known to give employees second chances especially in extenuating circumstances. Her style of management is a sharp departure from fingerprints status quo. I am considering my options in such an event such as a written letter or a phone call. Again, obsessing.

Tuesday night I got absolutely no sleep. Insomnia strikes again. I went to bed on time, rather tired, looking forward a good nights sleep. Little wonder that didn't work out. Tuesday evening I went up to Tom's work and wrote out yet another version of the memo. Tom created the memo for me, he edited it which was a really big help. He is quite the wordsmith and knowing how to write things in medical speak was a big bonus.

After treatement today I have an appointment with my psychologist. I will drop off the request for disability leave packet between group and therapy. One more day of DPS torture. It seems like such a small thing but it has been so difficult just to force myself to drive up to that place.

Another thing that is on my mind is the formal complaint to be filed against me. I say to be filed because I have received no notification. Immediate notification of filing is one of the rights guaranteed to me when such an action is taken. Are they saving this additional punishment until I return? I honestly believe that is exactly what they are doing. After my stint in intensive outpatient therapy I get to deal with more reminders of what a loser I have been just 3 months into this year. Fantastic. I plan to ask this question when I call in this morning. I don't want them to believe that I have forgotten their plans to file the complaint. I want them to know they aren't surprising me with some fresh hell.

I have got to pull myself out of this malaize. I'm not on track, not completing the goals I have set before me. The fear that I will not be organized when this month is over is rising again.

I want everything to work out but I have so many doubts. It's a little hard to tap into the power of positive thinking.