Zzzzz

I am really struggling to keep to a schedule. I have decided that I need a keeper. A Patti Keeper. Kinda like a zoo keeper without the zoo. I think that a taser will be crucial to my success. I like the idea of a midget. So, if you know of a midget zoo keeper armed with a taser who is willing to work for no pay please, send them my way.

I have resolved my insomnia in-so-far as the bipolar is concerned. That was step one. I am no longer staying awake for 24-48 hours at a stretch. A sleep study of me was conducted on 10/28/06. I will be receiving new equipment on 11/07/06. This should resolve my sleep disturbances (SD). What is an SD you ask? Anytime you wake up at night for whatever reason. Typically I wake up to pee. This is related to sleep apnea which will be resolved next week. Sleep apnea causes me to stop breathing in my sleep. A rush of adrenaline forces me into consciousness. The adrenaline also increases the need to urinate. Don't ask me why, I forget. The lithium I take is a diuretic. More pee. So, I wake up go to the bathroom, lay back down and have trouble getting back to sleep. A typical Patti SD. It is recommended not to stay in bed if it takes you more than 30 minutes to fall asleep. I have an SD 2-3 times a night on average. So I get back up, drink some Sleepytime tea (yeah, I know...more pee) and try to bore myself. That is difficult as I am extremely interesting. Fascinating really. Out of the ordinary. Mesmerizing. You see my dilemma.

So here is my plan.

At 5:30am my Patti Keeper will wake me up. Zzzzz.

I will eat breakfast, feed Hulda, Simon and Monkey. Take my meds, get dressed and ready for work.
Around 6:30-7:00 I will wake Tom. No taser. Well, probably no taser.
An hour after my breakfast I will drink orange juice, take my iron and vitamin C. About 7:40 I will leave for work.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

At noon I will go home, let the dogs out (and back in), feed myself and take more meds. Then around 12:40 I will return to work.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

When I return home I will let the dogs out and start dinner. While dinner is cooking I will feed the dogs and Simon. I will have eaten dinner by 6:30. Eating early is conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

Between 6:30 and 8:30 I will do tiring work around the house. Exercise a few hours before bed is conducive to sleep. I will take more meds. Tom will get home and we'll talk about our day and our plans for world domination. I will play with the dogs. I will probably watch TV and blog.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

At 8:30 I will light the essential oil diffuser beside my bed. Essential oils are conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

Between 8:30 and 9:15 I will take a scalding hot bath scented with lavender essential oil and drink a cup of Sleepytime tea. A hot bath is conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

Between 9:15 and 10:00 I will watch TV with Tom and discuss our plans. I will play with the dogs and drink a cup of Sleepytime tea. Sleepytime tea is conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

At 10:00 I will put up Monkey, kiss Tom goodnight and go to bed. I will take sleep meds. I will be pleasantly relaxed by the aroma from the diffuser. I will turn on my relaxing Ocean Waves CD. I will read my book on sleep. Relaxation music and tedious reading are conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

At 10:30 it is lights out. Darkness is conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

Flawless, don't you think? I am sure there are things I must do that I left out but then that is why I have the midget. Zzzzz.

So, just send that little fellow my way and I'll be set.
Much appreciated.

Zzzzz.

Victory Dance!

I don't see cause and effects very well. Especially when it comes to my health. Here is a good example. My manic episodes were getting out of control around late spring into summer. Thoughts were rushing through my head so fast I couldn't sleep. I would go 24-48 hours without sleep. This would happen once sometimes twice a week. None of the meds I take for sleep helped at all. I tried a few meditation techniques but I couldn't quiet my brain. I slept only when I was physically exhausted. I saw my psychiatrist who increased my Lithium. I had concerns about being on so much medication and had resisted her recommendations. This time I listened to her. The increase in Lithium put an end to the 24-48 hour insomnia episodes. Victory!
The Lithium also put an an end to most of my irrational anxiety. I have panic episodes. Panicking while driving had become an issue for me. This started after I was in a serious rollover car accident. I would have anxiety attacks while driving. I would be overcome with fear especially on high bridges and flyovers. I had to concentrate very hard on simply getting myself to safety. Since the increase in Lithium panic has ceased to be an issue. Despite my efforts to avoid flyovers I would find myself on them. This is the attention deficit in attention deficit disorder. I simply paid no attention to what I was doing. Once it's too late I have to move through it. The fear that my car would simply drive itself over the edge is powerful. I found myself on a flyover recently and that fear was gone. In fact I was able to appreciate how cool the experience really is. Panic episodes in general seem to be gone. This was huge for me and definitely felt like a victory!
I have suffered from severe tension headaches for several years. Occasionally they are so bad that I have to get Demerol shots to cope with the pain. My neurologist explained that they were not true migraines despite the pain. A migraine has to do with blood rushing too fast in the brain (I think that's what he said) while mine were related to anxiety. When my psychiatrist first put me on Lithium I experienced a decrease in tension headaches. Since the increase in Lithium I haven't had a single tension headache like that. I meet with him this week (I see him every 4-6 months) and I'm curious what his opinion will be. I like him well enough but I'm hoping he releases me as his patient. I think it will feel like victory!

Getting relief for problems in 3 areas of my life by putting one into balance is wild to me. I knew that Bipolar affected many layers of my life and I probably paid lip service to that affect. Still, it is wild to me that a solution to one problem could be such so far reaching. I am still coping with insomnia but it is not nearly as out of control. Sleep is incredibly important and I'm working very hard to solve the problem. One piece to this puzzle was getting the bipolar under a greater degree of control. Victory!

Anxiously waiting

Tomorrow I get the results of the biopsy. I have a lot of fear about what she has to tell me. In addition I am having problems with the iron supplements. Since I started taking my iron pills I have the sensation of shaking and sometimes I actually shake. This makes no sense to me. This is not supposed to be happening. I will discuss this with her tomorrow at my appointment. I think she is going to talk with me about fibroid tumors. She told me that was part of what the biopsy, that and cancer. The fibroid tumors seems to fit my symptoms. The treatments that have been discussed with me is progesterone pills. I honestly feel that this treatment will be paired with something else. Progesterone alone will not rid me of the of the tumors. The other treatment she discussed was cauterization of the uterus, essentially burning my uterus. Online treatments were D&C and hysterectomy. Those 3 sound they are going to hurt a lot afterward. I know I shouldn't self diagnose even though certain sites are consistently accurate. I am really scared.

Tom was so sweet yesterday. On his way home he grab some steaks, mushrooms and an excellent bottle of wine, Becker's Iconoclast. He cooked me dinner, set the table, poured the wine and lit a candle. Isn't he wonderful?

I think so.

Doggy Genius

My Tuesday night was going well. I made dinner in the ideal time frame. This is 2 days in a row which is nearly a miracle. I load up Hulda's cube with treats. She makes a huge racket rolling it around on the saltillo tiles. It's great! She really wants the goodies inside, they are a favorite (Bil-Jac's Liver Treats). The cube is designed to make her think. My girl must be a genious! She is a treat extracting dynamo! I've tried the cube on our foster dog Monkey. She is a treat hound herself. I put the cube filled with treats and I hope that Hulda will show her the ropes. Nothing doing. Monkey would rather get pats and love from us. Hulda looks and a little disappointed and then realizes more for me! Didn't I tell you she was smart? Tom and I watch a little TV. The alarm on my phone lets me know it is time to prepare for bed. Things are moving along well. I am so pleased with myself. With bedtime preparations done I realize I'm ahead of schedule. I put a few more treats into her cube and let her go to town. I really love this dog. I wonder just how smart she could get?

Aliens, Nessie, Bigfoot and the Chupacabra

I think all the paranormal shit is great! I am not saying I'm convinced, just extremely entertained. Personally, I can't wait until they find the Chupacabra. We had renters from Mexico who all swore they had seen the beast. There is a website which explains how they evolved from seamonkeys! Compelling stuff! I love those shows aimed at uncovering the real truth! I used to think that most of the people they interview were doing it for Warhol's 15 minutes. Now, I think some of these people really believe this shit. October is the best month of the year for this. The networks parade the freakiest people that have ever contacted anybody about their cryptozoologic encounters. I take my place among the lowing herd and watch transfixed. By the end of the show I am so close to buying it all. Lock, stock and barrel. Then I sigh, oh well.

Tom watches a lot of strange TV with me. I amuse and exasperate him. I know sometimes he looks at me and must think 'If I have to watch much more of this I'm gonna snap!'. It didn't help matters when my mother admitted to loving shows on aliens in specific. I was elated! Tom groaned. She's not convinced either. We both think it would be so cool if it were true! Since her revelation I have enjoyed teasing Tom about it. I make mock plans to invite mom over for an all night alien marathon! He usually mumbles something about a strip club.

He is such a good sport! Sometimes, he'll comment on some piece of evidence. He forgets that it is all rubbish and suspends disbelief with me. It's great! He recently made the comment that the 'experts' fear Nessie may be dead. Not Nessie! There haven't been as many recent eyewitness accounts. Nessie is the only monster I really, really, really wanted to exist. She was my first. Tom was disappointed about it with me. How amazing is he? I just adore him!

Last night the remote control got a real workout! Aliens were on the History channel, the Daily Show was on Comedy Central and OReilly was on Fox. I get up during commercials and he took the advantage. Eventually though I realize we've gotten off track and it's back to Aliens. Poor Tom. I think he was hoping Southpark or Drawn Together would be on Comedy Central. That might've put an end to the Alien nonsense.

I'm excited! The closer we get to Halloween the more shows to pick from. It could be a real dilemma choosing which bit of rubbish to watch!

Tonite, it's ZOMBIES!

Antidote to Friday

Tom and I went to Texas Hills Vineyard today. Thankfully the harpy owner was not there. Tom tasted his favorites, the heavier reds and sampled the Moscatos and Ports. On my first trip to this winery my favorite was Orange Moscato and I regretted not getting a bottle. I remedied the mistake. Tom and then took off for Chisholm winery, or so we thought. A slight navigational error put us way off and we just couldn't make the winery before closing. No big deal. We laughed it off. We do our best talking when driving. It's just Tom, me and the road. This has been true for us since the beginning. He loves maps. We used 4 maps (which makes getting off course that much more humerous. So as I said we talk well on the road.

I mentioned in my last post that seeing my uterus and ovaries on screen had an unexpected and primal affect on me. Tom and I discuss children as an ‘idea' with more frequency since the advent of Serif. I had a brief period, just before Tom began his intensive chemotherapy, where I wanted a baby. In a fit of insanity I thought being pregnant while he was undergoing chemotherapy would be a 'good' idea. We tried and tried. I even went on a mild form of fertility medicine. God knew better. Thank you God. I say that because my thoughts hadn't gotten past getting pregnant. I don't think I gave any thought the human being we would create. When we got the results of his zero sperm count we were devastated. The result was that I took a critical look of my life and began to see that I simply was not and may never be ready for motherhood. I also asked the question do I actually want children and if so why? I was worried that my desire to be pregnant had just been a desperate need for something normal and happy. On examination I repeatedly came to the conclusion that the answer was a resounding no. Lately, however Serif has me wondering if there aren't some really neat advantages to joining the 'parent club'. My SIL and BIL make it look easy. I worked as a nanny for several years so I know how hard they really are working at being good parents. Kudos to them! I say all of that and yet seeing my uterus and ovaries caused something primal to stir in me. I think that is really weird. Tom has an intense desire to be a father. He would be a phenomenal father. The topic is a more and more frequent one between us. We asked the priest who married us to leave out the blessing for children since at that time it was something neither of us wanted. Tom was more adamant about not having children than me. I honestly believe that the ceremony and wedding vows are important. The blessing, in my mind is real and we rejected it. We couldn't even foresee a time when a family would pose a legitimate desire. Here we are, 11 years later and one of wants children so very badly and the other is on the fence. I hate that I am what stands between Tom and his dream of a family. I bring up my pragmatic and logical reasons. My arguments make sense but ultimately are pointless. Pragmatism and logic having nothing to do with his intense and earnest desire for kids. I have no idea where this ongoing discussion will take us. I'm 36, not an ideal age for starting a family. Still I find myself closer to accepting children as a real possibility.

Tom and I ended our day by bringing home some Rudy's Barbeque (expensive!) and opening a bottle Alamosa's Viognier 2004. This is the first viognier that we liked. It's a difficult grape to grow. Alamosa grows these grapes themselves. We have found that makes a huge difference in the quality and flavor of the wine. When winerys just buy the grapes from another vineyard they don't have the intimate knowledge of growing and caring for the grapes. That is our experience anyway. The Viognier was great with barbeque and I think it would be a perfect compliment to turkey or ham.

Prost!

Crappy Friday and my Mom's conviction

Friday sucked. There is no other way to put it. I am going to be discussing problems with my reproductive organs/cycle and problems therein. There, you've been warned.

My monthly cycle has never been normal or followed a predictable path until recently. During highschool I went 6 months without a period and did so again when I was about 22. I was briefly on birth control in the late 80's but didn't stay on long. Then about a year before Tom and I married I went on the Norplant. For 4 years I had a very light period once a year. After the Norplant my cycles were long, heavy and completely unpredictable. It has only been in the last year that my cycle has decided to normal out. The new routine is even worse.

I have never kept track before because there was just no point. I could have no period or a cycle that varied from 20 days to 32 days. I have been on a very fast cycle (about 20 -25 days) recently. I spot for about a week including some small clotting, have slight cramping and intense breast tenderness and for a couple of days my nipples will hurt so much that I have to lay on a heating pad to get relief. All this constitutes my premenstrual stage. In addition I am incredibly irritable, abnormally emotional and over sensitive. Tom is so sweet and understanding. He is amazing! I don't know how he does it. There should be a medal.

The second phase of my cycle begins with moderate bleeding, larger clots which are occasionally stringy, breast tenderness and cramping. This lasts a day maybe two. The worst stage is next.

Phase three is the worst. I have always been a heavy bleeder but it is nearly uncontrollable for two days. I have to change my accoutrement every two hours! That is insane and it is no guarantee that I won't have an accident! Factor in the massive clotting and well you get the picture. The breast tenderness is gone but the cramps are almost unbearable. Some are so bad I find it difficult to think clearly. Every time I've been to the doctor I've been told the same thing. Birth Control. I'm really, really not interested in any sort of hormonal therapy.
,More on that in a bit.

The end of my cycle is about 2 days of moderate bleeding, light cramping and moderate clotting. Then anywhere from 4 to 11 days of spotting, small clots and mild cramping. All in all I am bleeding, cramping, clotting and having breast pain for about 3 weeks. About a week to two weeks is all the respite I get.

So, I decide to give the doctors another go at it. I made an appt. with my PCP for 9/13/06. She heard my concerns about hormonal therapy and decided to send me to an OB/GYN and she ordered a sonogram. I really like my OB/GYN. I met with her on 10/05/06. She is smart and very upfront. She listens to and answers questions. She said that the 2 of the meds I'm on, Lithium and Lamictal, could be contributing to the changes in my cycle. Super great. I was uncomfortable doing the examination as I was bleeding. Blood was drawn that day and the sonogram was scheduled for 10/20/06.

I got the results of the blood tests this week by mail. Everything was normal except that I am anemic. To quote my OB/GYN "very anemic". So now I have to take iron supplements. Just what I needed, another pill. I am going to have to call my shrink next week and keep her abreast of these exciting new developments. The anemia can cause fatigue, which is also a symptom of depression. If I'm experiencing fatigue due to the anemia rather than the bipolar it could be that a change in medication is needed.

The sonogram. All in all not so bad. The didn't see much with the belly sonogram (even though I CHUGGED 40 0z of water in 5 minutes) so they had to go to the dildo sonogram. I'm sure they have some other word for it, but that is what it was. I had to insert it myself and then she took over. I got to see my uterus and ovaries. It was really easy to see. My ovaries look normal, I even saw follicles! My uterus is normal shaped but the lining is too thick. To the untrained eye everything looked normal and healthy. Which brought forth some unexpected feelings. I will address this in a second post.

The lining of my uterus is really, really, really, really, really thick. The OB/GYN said that if normal lining was like Berber carpet or plush carpet, mine was a shag rug! So, naturally she wanted to do a epidemial (uterus) biopsy. I hear biopsy and freak. Tom's biopsy was painful, awful and invasive. She talked me through the procedure. She would could reschedule and knock me out but in the end I decided it was better to know sooner. She said she had done 3 that day. They need to examine the cells for cancer, which is a possibility. It was very uncomfortable, and when she was sucking and scraping out the lining it felt like the most intense cramp ever, ever, ever. It's done and that's good.

, My OB/GYN feels that progesterone is going to be the best course of treatment. I'm not crazy about this idea but my through the roof estrogen levels have to be brought under control. I was hoping to rule out anything bad and just let my cycle do what it does. My high estrogen levels put me at risk for several types of cancer. I'm simply not producing enough progesterone to keep the estrogen in check.

The cancer thing is of course scary. It's not likely but possible. However, they don't test if it isn't possible. The insurance won't pay. I'm anxious for the results. I called my mother. I told her about the whole ordeal. When I mentioned the C-word she said, "Well, I don't accept that".

Neither do I.

Thank you, momma.

Schedules Suck

I got a letter from my doctor's office with lab results. It would seem that I am anemic. The fun part is that I have to take iron supplements. I have to take them 2x a day 30 minutes before eating. My #1 struggle is with scheduling my life. I started keeping a log in late September because I mistakenly took the wrong drug. This doubled me up on that drug which caused problems. My life is full of these mistakes plus common sense stuff I can't get a handle on. The older I get the more neccessary a schedule becomes. I don't mean get up, go to work, come home. I mean all the stuff before, in between and directly after. Left to myself I would probably get tons of stuff started but nothing finished. With a few happy exceptions I don't seem to work on anything but the schedule. That can't be right. Right?

Fun with Drugs

Tuesday night I made an error with a medication. For my convenience my doctor had changed the size in milligrams of one of my pills. She told me this but 4 weeks later I had forgotten.(I had put the new script on hold). When I took my nightly meds I took 450mg instead of 300mg. The effect was immediate and rather negative. Thankfully she and I figured this problem out yesterday. This morning I feel much better. The drugs I take are mood stabilizers, they help me to have more appropriate reactions to my environment. These are common and highly effective bipolar meds. Appropriate doses help me avoid overreactions. Too much medicine and I'm likely to simply not give a shit about anything. I woke up this morning realizing that the things I didn't care about yesterday are impacting me today. I think I'm still on a little bit too much but I will have to document the problems over the next month. I keep a detailed log of everything I experience and summarize each week. It is beginning to paint a picture of the effects both good and bad. There is some good news. My insomnia is under much better control. The rush of thoughts through my mind which had been keeping me awake night after night are gone. I am still having trouble being an active participant in my own life. This is why I think I am on a bit too much. My experience with 150mg difference stands out. Once the meds are in the system and working, small shifts make big difference. I hope me and my doctor can find the perfect brew of pills.

Toasting 11 Happy Years

We celebrated our 11th Anniversary this October. We treated ourselves to several (15 so far) winerys in the Texas Hill Country. We suggest it to everyone! It was delightful! A friend of Tom's sister introduced us to the idea of touring vineyards. She planned an all day event which included a hill country winery. We have been talking about doing this ever since. I am a real novice to wine tasting. It took quite a bit of practice (I really didn't mind) to detect the variety of flavors and scents or even understand the lingo. Fortunately there are several winerys run by Texas folks who spoke 'plain English'. I am proud to say I detected the aroma of oak, pecan and juniper! I actually tasted mint! All in all a great pair of weekends and we still have 5 winerys to go! Tom's had such a good time he's taking about growing native grapes! The next time you see us we may have a bottle to share!