Back To Work!

I am back at work. I didn't want to go back. Just a few weeks ago when I thought of having to go back I felt desperate and hopeless. I even thought about hurting myself.

You would think that the memory of that place would be burned forever into my mind. In just 4 weeks I forgot how utterly negative my co-workers are. No one smiles, dark looks are continually thrown at management and each other. People look up, whisper, look up again. Who wouldn't become a little paranoid?

Nevertheless, I went in with as positive an attitude as I could muster. I went back that first day dressed and ready to meet with the bureau manager. For the past 4 weeks I have called everyday to see if I could get a meeting with her. This is what I was instructed to do. It's kinda like management has selective short term memory loss. I asked about an appointment each morning. Each morning I was told they would get back with me. The one definite appointment I had was during the morning when they knew I was unavailable. It's not very clever, got old really fast and yet somehow I thought once I was back at work she would have to meet with me. The first two mornings management kept up the pretense that my meeting with her was imminent. By the end of the second day I was told, "she knows you want to meet with her, don't ask anymore". If they are going to fire me I really wish they would just get it over with. I feel like the wildebeast on a nature program being eaten alive by the lions. Just kill me already.

I have given this meeting a lot of thought. My first two weeks off I really didn't know what I would say to this woman. Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't get a meeting right away. It's given me the opportunity to reflect on the last several months and the 6 errors that got me here in the first place. If I ever get to actually meet with her I'm asking to have these errors dismissed. I was on medication that caused extreme drowsiness. My record speaks for itself. These errors not withstanding I have a very low incidence of misverification. My doctor has given them a written statement about the extreme drowsiness this medication causes. This isn't about talent or skill, it's about medication taken under a physicians care.

My first day back wasn't so bad. Actually I felt quite good about myself. I was tested on my ability to read fingerprints, several were really, really hard and I totally aced it! I got the impression from my supervisor that she was impressed.

The second and third days have been harder. I have gotten out of the practice of looking at prints all day. It is unbelievably hard on the eyes. I had no idea. After only three days back I already have a pounding headache. It feels like a 3 year old pounding on my head with a rubber mallet. It's not just the work though. The first day back I was testing all day. I had virtually no contact with my co-workers. If you've ever had a fish tank you'll remember that you aclimate a fish before releasing it into the tank. Yeah, it's like that. I am so glad that I work this weekend. I know that is an odd thing to say. Because I work this weekend I have tomorrow off. I really needed a day away to clear my head.

I am missing group. It was such a supportive place to be in. I have to be my own support system at work and that is really hard. For the 6 next weeks I will be in an after care group that meets on Tuesday evenings. It is specifically for working on the same things you did in group but in more of a real world setting. I am also joining a Bipolar/Depression group that meets on Fridays. It is an ongoing long term group. I really feel the need to continue cognitive therapy with others living with bipolar. I'm not even sure that this group is right for me, but it is a good place and a good time to start.