Technicolor Crazy

Well, I'm manic.


Manic, manic, manic.

I used to have a very mean friend, I didn't know she was mean until it was too late. Because Tom is a solid citizen who doesn't throw his life away on a whim she called him 'beige'. Bitch. When I start to go manic he seems to remember her description of him. Horrible soul sucking cunt. I told him he was in no way beige and that when I go manic everyone looks beige next to my technicolor crazy. Personally I think he is more of a sunny yellow.

I have been manic for the last few weeks. There are good and bad things about having long cycles the way I do. When I feel good it lasts quite awhile however when I feel depressed that lasts awhile too.

The week before my friends baby shower I could feel it coming on. The week after the baby shower it was in full swing. The music got turned up really loud and my house got really clean.

Unfortunately the darker side of manic showed its lovely face. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it clued me in to what was going on. The doctor increased my meds.

I started the weekend feeling expansive and gregarious. Determined to set things right I worked at mending my ways. This involved being nice to someone I usually am not. It was really easy. Being a bitch takes so much more effort. Things started to turn for me mood wise later that afternoon. I was really edgy and restless. I had attended a funeral that day which may have served as a trigger event for the change in mood.

Then this week I became engrossed in a book that I was compelled to read and reread every day. I was extremely irritable, I didn't like anybody and my patience was non-existent. It was still manic but it was more OCD like.

I am happy to say that today I am back to expansive and gregarious. I am once again climbing. The music is loud, the house is clean. I feel awesome! The trigger event for this was my move over to TXDOT. I physically moved my location. I felt so wonderful! When Tom came home his rather grumpy wife had transformed into someone sweet and playful. He found me to be VERY entertaining! Another indication of climbing manic.

Tonite I am going to blow off some steam with a friend. We're going hang out around Red River and listen to some live music. I can get bored really easy when I'm manic because I constantly want to be doing something. Its an edgy kind of bored that can lead to me getting into mischief or worse. Having planned fun is a good way to siphon some of that off. The only problem is that my definition of fun differs from Tom, so I'm taking my friend Celeste. In his defense I can be very hard to keep up with when I'm determined to have 'my' kind of fun. I truly hope Celeste doesn't end up feeling dragged around. Tom will be out of town for the weekend which means I can get in late without causing him to worry. I will miss him and I might see another mood shift due to his absence. The good thing of course is being prepared for it.

My new work location is very close to Ladybird Lake. I used to walk around the lake several times a week. I lost 75 pounds doing a 45 minute walk a few times a week. I loved it too! I could feel my spirit replenish each time. I am going to start that up again beginning next week. I am really looking forward to it!

There are some things I will need to keep an eye on. When I used to go walking with such regularity the weight I lost helped push a very long period of manic. I would lose weight and feel phenomenal! I will need to keep an eye on my spending on clothing. Its usually the first irresponsible indulgence. I will need to be mindful of my tendency to use drugs during manic episodes. I can 'feel' that I am at the beginning of a long manic episode. To be honest, I'm just getting warmed up. Given the option I'd really rather be manic but it can be just as destructive as depression. I think its a very good sign that I've got my eyes open this time.

My New Attitude

Hello again, I know it's been awhile.

I am so happy!

I went to my BF's baby shower yesterday. A whole bunch of my former co-worker's were there. They all had complaints about work, very similar to the ones I used to have. Used to. Very nice couple of words they are.

There were also a couple of former co-workers who, like me, have moved on to greener pastures. Very green in fact. The three of us compared our new jobs to the old ones. Each of us were so amazed to be in jobs where we were treated like adults. Adults!

Finally, one of my former co-workers who is still stuck in hell said, "look, we're all really happy for you, now could you shut the hell up!" Hee hee hee!

I was at my MIL's house Friday night. I walked in and my BIL looked at me and said, "have you lost weight?" I don't know that I have, SIL said that I looked really happy and that happiness can do amazing things (paraphrased).

Apart from being treated with dignity and respect my new job is interesting and exciting as well. When I was first transferred over they started me out doing fairly simple clerical work. I am still working for the state but one agency is taking over the bureau I am currently still in. In this transition period they are creating two new branches and they are using all the same people but they are putting some into newly created positions. I took an aptitude test and have one of the highest scores! I also went over to the new agency's location and 'shadowed' a couple of people who have been moved over. I asked a lot of questions because I really wanted to get a feel for the new jobs being offered. This is exactly what I was supposed to do and was overheard by the Project Manager. When she told me what my new position would she told me she had listened in. She said my questions were "very thought provoking". Me! I am of course waiting for them to figure out I'm not as smart as they first thought.

I am tabling my self doubts as best I can. I am moving forward with the attitude of 'I can do this'. It's very new territory for me.

I almost forgot, my new job is called Use Case/Testing. I will be managing bugs in the system from the point of view of the user. With the rest of the team we will write out (with diagrams!) exactly what the functional requirements of fixes and new business rules are. The technical team will create the software and then we will conduct tests on it. Pretty awesome, I think!

There is one little worry in the back of my mind and that has to do with Manic. Sometimes new happy good things like this can push manic. I am keeping my eye on it. Tom and I talked about this just last night. We are going to plan some fun activities to help me let off some steam. I've got my fingers crossed for loud music and dancing!

My New Window On The World

Can't Sleep

Today, at 8:15am, I find out what the Colonel's offer is at general counsel. I have no idea what this means. I was really afraid that they would offer me my job back. Really, really afraid. It seems ridiculous now, so what if they offer me my job back. I don't have to take it. I could offer my resignation in return. Why did that not seem logical? I don't know. I only know that if the thought, the very idea of returning causes such terror in me then I don't belong there. Despite knowing all of this, that I have an answer I am still experiencing some anxiety. I am having trouble relaxing enough to sleep. This will probably be a no sleep night. I have decided that some side affects of Lunesta are bad enough to never take it again so it is strictly sleep hygiene for this girl. A good decision I feel.

I am very bad at clearly conveying my feelings. I hold so much so close that even those who love me and who are there to stand with me often don't know what I am experiencing. I have trouble with vulnerability. I have what would probably be called rigid boundaries. High walls to climb. These are coping mechanisms and they are there for good reason but they aren't serving me so well anymore. It's long past time to start letting people in. You might think from this blog that I already do but even this perceived permission to see inside is just another wall. If it is in the blog then I don't have to talk about it. I don't have to cry with family and friends even when I really, really need to. I have done such a good job of shutting people out that I have chased off or deliberately cut out most of my best friends. As awkward as being vulnerable is, it really is ok to feel and to feel with others. Time will tell if knowing this and putting it into practise will equal the same thing. I have started and I am trying. Saturday I cried all night with my very best friend. My god did it ever help.

How It Went

I walk into the director's office and shake hands with Colonel Tommy Davis, assistant director David McEathron and chief of administration Burton Christian and then I sit down.

Thank you for seeing me

Here is the letter from my doctor directing
me not to work 30 days while I underwent treatment and medication adjustment.

I hand him the letter.

I presented this letter to my immediate supervisor who was aware I had exhausted
my Family Medical Leave.

I expected and was prepared for him to ask me why all my FMLA was exhausted but he didn't ask.

While I was out I followed the procedure of calling in everyday as requested
by my immediate supervisor.

When I returned to work I did so with written notification from my
doctor.

The treatment and new medication regimen were successful. I have never felt
so well as I do now, any work issues prior to this have been resolved.

I expected and was prepared for him to ask me what the work issues were but he didn't ask.

This letter reconfirms that my doctor took me off work for treatment and
medication adjustment.

I hand him the second letter.

In this letter my doctor offers to speak with you regarding my situation.

I am a good employee and have done my job very well with high production and low
errors for 8 years. I am proud to work for law enforcement, I believe we do good
and important work here.

He asked me if I had been counseled since my return to work. I said 'no, sir'. He asked me if I had missed any work since returning, I told him the only time I had missed was for doctor's appointments. He asked me how many doctor appointments a month did I have. I told him I saw one doctor once a month and the other doctor biweekly.

Then he asked me what purpose would it serve having me returned to work. Aha! I had planned for this question.

I am an experienced fingerprint technician. As I understand it my section needs
to hire 4 new fingerprint technicians as it is. I am already trained and ready
to work.

Then he asked me what would I do [with me] if I were in his shoes. I told him I don't believe I would fire me, I said I would probably demote me. He sort of laughed and said, "demote you to what?" I told him I was a Fingerprint Technician II and that I could be demoted to a Fingerprint Technician I. If he is leaning toward keeping me, which I believe he is, it gives him a very convenient punishment. By asking me what would I do he gave me the opportunity for a very smart (I think) answer. It is a solution that allows him to take some sort of action, which he probably has to, while still allowing me to keep my job.

I believe he is leaning toward keeping me because as my meeting with him came to a close he mentioned that his secretary told him my doctor wished to speak with him. I said yes, she offers to speak with you in the second letter. He left me with the impression that he does in fact intend to call my doctor. Probably a good sign.

My meeting with these men left me with the distinct impression that these are good people. I may or may not get my job back but they were more than fair and treated me with dignity and respect.

If he is unconvinced I can still appeal to the Public Safety Commission.

I was nerve wracked about this meeting. The meeting itself wasn't so bad, would that I could work for these guys. Still, isn't it odd that I would fight this hard for something I'm still not sure I want?

The Big Day

Well, tomorrow is my big day. The director of DPS is called the Colonel. Tomorrow I meet with the Colonel.

Saturday we told my parents what had happened. That I was suspended with pay pending my meeting with the Colonel. To my parents any employment outside of state employment is literally unthinkable. My dad was in the army for 22 years after which he retired from the state of Texas. He believes in things he feels he can count on. My suspension for him was a call to arms.

I suffered through a grueling braionstorm session in which we, well I should say he and Tom, mapped out exactly what I would say to this man. I guess my dad felt that a memorized speech would be the best way to go.

Instead I have opted for 3x5 cards, things I plan to say plus answers to likely questions. I hope, I guess, that I have a plan for success.

I have all the requesite letters from my doctor and from the Colonel. I have my dress and shoes laid out. My nails are painted, I even bought hair mousse today.

All this effort for something I'm not even sure I want back.

A Space To Live In

Since being fired, well...not actually fired, I'm on administrative leave with pay pending my meeting with the director of DPS, I have made good use of my time. I am completely finished with painting the living room yellow! It is bright warm and inviting. We moved the entertainment center across the room (which began my all out war against dust and cobwebs), put down a huge cranberry carpet (I'm forcibly reminded of a lemon/raspberry sorbet...which I love!), arranged the furniture and put up the artwork. When you come down the hallway into the living room it looks so warm and inviting. I'm just thrilled with it!

As an added bonus, the lack of slipping and sliding all over the tile floor keeps the girls from playing too rough. I had to yell "OFF!" a few times (they are not allowed to rough house on the couches) and finally gave each a pat on the behind. They are playing nicely and seem to be enjoying the 'new' living room as well.

If an item didn't belong in the living room it was shunted to the dining room table. So, now I am clearing off the table and recleaning the kitchen. Much easier to do since my last war on the kitchen.

The next project will be painting the kitchen. Tom picked out a pastel melon color which compliments both the yellow in the living room and the chocolate brown trim color. Painting the kitchen will involve first scrubbinng the walls to get the (yuck) grease off the walls. I had no idea. When that is done the actual painting will go much easier because I won't be trying to first cover super dark panelling.

Home Depot sent someone out to measure for our new backdoor. The price they came up with was $815.00. We thought that was ridiculous. On Wednesday a guy from Lowes came out, said that he could do it for about half that! Lowes rocks! Home Depot sucks!

I probably should feel fearful or be full of self-abasement over the loss, or potential loss of my job but I'm not. I'm happy and productive. My biggest fear is that of actually getting the job back.

Fired

Well, it's not really a surprise. The 4 weeks I took off to straighten out my meds and go through the AIOP program was just too much, I guess. I am following the appeals process and will keep you posted.

Yellow

I have some really wonderful parents! They drive me a little nutty sometimes, but on the whole they are usually kind and generous people. To help us move out of a house we don't like in a neighborhoood that can be dangerous they have offered to finance the cost of getting the house ready for market. This week I am getting a beautiful new back door with a great big window to let the light in a little. The nice guys from home depot will be coming out this week to measure. The other home improvement that is already done is that we have one wall that used to be ugly, dark panelled wood is now a cheerful pastel yellow! It's hard to be depressed in the company of yellow! YYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

For Serif: The Flying Tree

Tanta loves to tell me this
In a whisper, with a kiss

When you grow up, you will be
A great big girl flying tree

Far to great to be told 'no!'
Where ever you want, you can go

You'll always be where the sun is high
When the moon rises it's time to fly

Across the continents and the sea
No ocean is too deep for thee

As a flying tree you'll freely pass
Never be told 'you're just a lass'

You'll never run from things that scare
You will dance and sing in front of their lair

No fire will burn a flying tree
You'll just take a dip in a cool green sea

Can you see how free you'll be?
Flying 'round this big tree thee!

Free, safe and happy, seeing it all
Tanta tells me this when she comes to call

Yes, this is what she says to me
You'll be a great big girl flying tree
===============================
Anything you desire

Your Tanta

{I reserve the right to treat this as a work in progress}

Copyright Patti Patterson 2007

Good News!

I finally had my meeting with the bureau manager! It went amazingly well! I asked to have my 6 errors during between January and March dismissed. I explained that I had been under a doctor's care and that I was on medication that made me exceptionally drowsy. She agreed! Let me say that again. She agreed! She is still going to hold onto the formal complaint until the temporary disability leave is approved. The reason being is that if it is not approved it comes with it's own consequences. I'm not sure what the consequences for having been out 4 weeks on unapproved leave are but I imagine it could be a dismissal. I am confident that it will be approved. Bipolar is an ADA recognised disability, we filled out the paperwork correctly. If it is disapproved I cannot imagine on what grounds. I believe it will be approved.

The final thing I asked for was a transfer. I said that assuming everything goes my way I would like to be transferred to another section. She said she would see what was open and would infact help me to move!

There is a light at the end 0f the tunnel!

YYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Springtime

I love this month. I went outside to water the plants, take in a little sunshine. While I was watering our little Magnolia tree I saw the biggest ladybug ever. On closer inspection it proved to be two ladybugs doing the watusi! The gentleman ladybug clung for dear life on the back of a very fast moving lady ladybug. As she ran all over the leaves and branches he shook back and forth off her end. I know, I know, this was a very private moment for these two but I couldn't help myself. I just had to take pictures!

Night time

Night time always seems to be the most deeply depressing time for me. What seems to happen is that thoughts come too quickly, often rather morbid thoughts or thoughts that visit the worst time in my life or actions that I am ashamed of. This is a symptom of mania, but the nature of the thoughts can push me into an immediate downswing. I even know what is happening, I can feel it approaching but seem helpless to stop it. I really hate feeling like a victim of my own mind.

Last night I took my night meds 2.5 hours later than usual. This pushed my tightly ordered night time schedule off. Without meds in my blood stream the symptoms just take over.

I'm doing much better now, will check in later.

Morbid thoughts and no sleep

It is 1:53 in the morning and I can't sleep. This has been coming for days. For the past two days I have been taking Tom's head off at the slightest provocation. I hate being back at work and despite all my efforts at meeting with the BM it appears I will be in this position for the time being. This thought makes my head swim. I feel drawn taut over something deep and dark. It feels like any minute it will swallow me whole.

When I've reached my stress limit there are typically two things that happen: 1) Can't sleep 2) Vomit. Both happened tonight. When I finally did lay down death scenes from movies kept replaying in my head. I can't seem to stop it so my only choice is to get up.

Oddly, there is something comforting about this morbidity. Although I have never been 'suicidal' I do spend quite a lot of time pondering death. More than I would ever let on to ordinarily. It is a familiar track, a groove in the road laid down in childhood. I can usually keep it inside but if I have learned anything over the past few weeks it is that not sharing these thoughts can have deadly consequences. The summer after I turned 10 was the first time my mother ever saw it. We were in Germany and I simply could not stop crying. I love Germany, always have but for some reason I wanted to go home. It seems that the minute the plane landed I couldn't stop obsessing about death. My death, her death, every one's death. My mother swore it had something to do with the eruption of Mt. St. Helens just a few weeks before. The usually pleasant and mild German weather during summer gave way to overcast skies, rain and unending heat. I am more likely to be manic than depressed in spring and summer so maybe she is right. I don't know. I just know it is the first time I exhibited major outward signs of being depressed and talking about death.

When I was 8 my mother went away to Germany over the summer by herself. I was left alone with my father. Although it was years later before I understood what had actually transpired, he had introduced me to one of his girlfriends. Brought her around the house. She gave me a bracelet. I just thought she was a friend of his from work. The other thing that stands out is the number of times he beat me. There was no mom to throw herself in between he and I. I have never felt more defenceless or unloved in my whole life.

This is what perplexes me. That horrible summer in Germany I desperately wanted to get home. I knew exactly what would be waiting for me if I did go home and still, at the time, it seemed preferable to me than Germany. I think that is so odd.

The year after that summer, once the school year had ended was when my parents packed me up and sent me to live at a children's home. The year after that, during the summer is when I was raped.

Horrific, tumultuous events have happened during the spring and summer. I just spent the last 4 weeks feeling happier than I have in years. As we move into late spring I am sure that there is something in my brain screaming out warning signs.

My spring and summer manics have had awful consequences. I have put myself in life threatening situations because whatever I was doing seemed well within my control. The depression after this type of manic is always very low.

Do you see a pattern? I think there must be one but I can't see it yet.

I love my husband. I love my dog. I love my niece. I love my parents. I love Tom's family. They all love me right back. And still this black, bleak chasym seems to yawn beneath me. This is one of those times that the effort, the struggle I perceive, doesn't seem worth very much to me.

If I am to be completely honest with myself there is something about death that is appealing to me, comforting even. I don't believe that I really want to be dead, it's just that I am so very unhappy. I am so unhappy and it hit so fast. To be dead would be such a quick way to not be unhappy. This is why anyone commits suicide. It is easier than facing life's realities.

I am not contemplating suicide. Well, I guess I am contemplating it but not in the 'I have a plan' sort of way. If I talk about it I know it won't happen. I have been steeling myself for a manic episode. This really blind sided me. I think I need to call my doctor on Monday and let her know the meds aren't quite doing their job. I need to rethink things. I just feel so trapped, there doesn't seem to be a way out.

This is so politically incorrect but I really think I would be happy if things were simpler for me. I enjoyed working around the house, cooking healthy dinners, domestic stuff. I liked it. I really, really liked it. I don't think I've ever been calmer or at peace with myself and the world. I wish I could alter my life to accomodate this peace and happiness. I think that when I got married this is sort of what I envisioned for myself. Then Tom got sick and now it is an impossibility.

Well, I think that this was a much needed check in. I am going to try to sneak in a couple of hours of sleep before I have to get up and get ready for work.

The first week back is over.

So far today I have had the same person tell me twice how stupid management is. Once they actually nudged me to get me to remove my headphones so that they could impart this priceless piece of negativity. Ok, people. I got it. Been working here for years. Management is dumb. Thanks for the tip. I might have actually missed that.

There was an unpleasant encounter before lunch. I was working with one other person on a specific job. It involves entering fingerprints manually via a scanner into AFIS. AFIS produces a candidate list to be verified or eliminated. There are a limited number of these stations so work is prioritized. This works well if everyone follows the protocol. My co-worker refused to split the top priority work with me. Not only was she nasty about it but it put me in an awkward position and really pissed off the person who needed the results to get the work out. I did the best that I could but refused to be rushed. Between the two of us all the work could have easily been completed. Instead she chose to work on the lowest priority work we have. None of this will reflect back on me but it is frustrating.

The next time I took my headphones off was near the end of the day. I was treated to the most bizarre story. My co-worker's husband's friend was really drunk and had access to power tools. Always a great beginning. He cuts a good slash into his leg and somehow winds up at the veterinarian's office. This occurred in rural Texas so it's really not that big of a stretch. The veterinarian wisely refused to treat this man, so instead of going to a human doctor (again) he stitches the gash together with a staple gun. A staple gun! Fifteen 'stitches' in all. So this friend of her husband's was over for dinner one night telling his story. He asked my co-worker if she wanted to see the scar, she said sure, her husband said no. She says to her husband I've been on ranches all my life I'm sure this isn't something I haven't seen before. I guess weird injuries are common down on the farm. She says to him show me. Does he roll up his pant leg to show her? No, that would have been to easy. He stands up and drops his trousers. At dinner. In front of his friend's wife. I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks.

So it is the end of the first week. My eyes are on fire. They hurt so much. I kept having to wipe my eyes because I'm making so much discharge. I can't believe that I didn't acknowledge how tired my eyes were at the end of the day. No wonder my head has been pounding.

The Bipolar/Depression group was a real let down. The group started out fairly small but as more and more people trickled in the group split into two smaller groups. I picked the unhappy group. I didn't mean to. As person after person fell to pieces in the group I was in I could hear the other group's animated chatter spattered with laughter. I was so jealous.

Today was the day that the new phones came. Tom got us the COOLEST new phones! I'm having fun learning what all it can do!

Back To Work!

I am back at work. I didn't want to go back. Just a few weeks ago when I thought of having to go back I felt desperate and hopeless. I even thought about hurting myself.

You would think that the memory of that place would be burned forever into my mind. In just 4 weeks I forgot how utterly negative my co-workers are. No one smiles, dark looks are continually thrown at management and each other. People look up, whisper, look up again. Who wouldn't become a little paranoid?

Nevertheless, I went in with as positive an attitude as I could muster. I went back that first day dressed and ready to meet with the bureau manager. For the past 4 weeks I have called everyday to see if I could get a meeting with her. This is what I was instructed to do. It's kinda like management has selective short term memory loss. I asked about an appointment each morning. Each morning I was told they would get back with me. The one definite appointment I had was during the morning when they knew I was unavailable. It's not very clever, got old really fast and yet somehow I thought once I was back at work she would have to meet with me. The first two mornings management kept up the pretense that my meeting with her was imminent. By the end of the second day I was told, "she knows you want to meet with her, don't ask anymore". If they are going to fire me I really wish they would just get it over with. I feel like the wildebeast on a nature program being eaten alive by the lions. Just kill me already.

I have given this meeting a lot of thought. My first two weeks off I really didn't know what I would say to this woman. Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't get a meeting right away. It's given me the opportunity to reflect on the last several months and the 6 errors that got me here in the first place. If I ever get to actually meet with her I'm asking to have these errors dismissed. I was on medication that caused extreme drowsiness. My record speaks for itself. These errors not withstanding I have a very low incidence of misverification. My doctor has given them a written statement about the extreme drowsiness this medication causes. This isn't about talent or skill, it's about medication taken under a physicians care.

My first day back wasn't so bad. Actually I felt quite good about myself. I was tested on my ability to read fingerprints, several were really, really hard and I totally aced it! I got the impression from my supervisor that she was impressed.

The second and third days have been harder. I have gotten out of the practice of looking at prints all day. It is unbelievably hard on the eyes. I had no idea. After only three days back I already have a pounding headache. It feels like a 3 year old pounding on my head with a rubber mallet. It's not just the work though. The first day back I was testing all day. I had virtually no contact with my co-workers. If you've ever had a fish tank you'll remember that you aclimate a fish before releasing it into the tank. Yeah, it's like that. I am so glad that I work this weekend. I know that is an odd thing to say. Because I work this weekend I have tomorrow off. I really needed a day away to clear my head.

I am missing group. It was such a supportive place to be in. I have to be my own support system at work and that is really hard. For the 6 next weeks I will be in an after care group that meets on Tuesday evenings. It is specifically for working on the same things you did in group but in more of a real world setting. I am also joining a Bipolar/Depression group that meets on Fridays. It is an ongoing long term group. I really feel the need to continue cognitive therapy with others living with bipolar. I'm not even sure that this group is right for me, but it is a good place and a good time to start.

Bracing

When I called into work this morning I asked my supervisor the questions about the formal complaint and the meeting with the bureau manager.

The formal complaint is on hold because I am on 'unapproved leave'. This is something I still don't quite understand. They have a letter from my doctor stating that I am too be out from 3/22-4/23. For them it means they can't let me work during this time period. Even if I were to go to work they would have to send me home. I have turned in my request for Temporary Disability Leave. When the approval for this comes through will they move forward on the formal complaint? That is a question I will hold off on until I get the approval notification.

My bureau manager agreed to meet with me tomorrow at 10:00am however I am not going to miss group. It is important that I meet with her but it is just as important that I continue with my therapy. I am certain that she can and will find an afternoon appointment for me even if that means delaying it a bit.

Last evening Tom took our foster Angel to her first basic obedience class. They had a really good time and both of them did a really good job! I am so proud of Tom for taking Angel's training on.

Paralyzed

I've had to go by work twice this week and I have to go once more this afternoon. My anxiety level over this has been tremendous.

I think Monday was the worst. I had to go by and pick up my paycheck. I had discussed my anxiety with group on Monday morning. My usual way of dealing with panic has been to either totally avoid whatever was causing it or simply waiting for it to pass. I had no experience preparing myself mentally before hand. The group had a lot of helpful suggestions. In the end though I sat on my couch obsessing on my trip to work, magnifying it beyond anything even remotely probable. I finally pulled myself together at the last possible moment. I called ahead to let management know that I would be showing up. I was met in the lobby. This was a godsend because I felt like I might have a total melt down.

After group on Monday I stopped by my psychiatrist to pick up a completed form. The form is part of the cadre of forms needed to request temporary disability leave. Another part of the request is a memo to the director of DPS stating which type of leave without pay I was requesting and the circumstances creating the need. I could have saved myself a second trip to work by having this memo ready however part of my obsession involved writing about 6 different possible memos. I thought I would have to go into the office proper and use a computer owing to a DPS memo template for MS Word. This is what my first-line supervisor had told me anyway. Turns out until my disability leave is granted I am not allowed into the office proper. I have not been fired nor have I resigned, I found this response rather odd. Anyway, I was again met in the lobby this time with a copy of the DPS letter head to type out my request.

Last week I requested a meeting with my bureau manager to discuss the counselings I received over 2 weeks ago. I knew she would be out last week. I planned to call and remind my supervisor on Monday about my request to meet with her. I guess I put it off, I should probably remind my supervisor when I call in this morning. I plan to request a transfer out of fingerprints and the leave I am requesting. I am wondering now if they will try to block a meeting with her. I am of course now stressing about that. My bureau manager is known to give employees second chances especially in extenuating circumstances. Her style of management is a sharp departure from fingerprints status quo. I am considering my options in such an event such as a written letter or a phone call. Again, obsessing.

Tuesday night I got absolutely no sleep. Insomnia strikes again. I went to bed on time, rather tired, looking forward a good nights sleep. Little wonder that didn't work out. Tuesday evening I went up to Tom's work and wrote out yet another version of the memo. Tom created the memo for me, he edited it which was a really big help. He is quite the wordsmith and knowing how to write things in medical speak was a big bonus.

After treatement today I have an appointment with my psychologist. I will drop off the request for disability leave packet between group and therapy. One more day of DPS torture. It seems like such a small thing but it has been so difficult just to force myself to drive up to that place.

Another thing that is on my mind is the formal complaint to be filed against me. I say to be filed because I have received no notification. Immediate notification of filing is one of the rights guaranteed to me when such an action is taken. Are they saving this additional punishment until I return? I honestly believe that is exactly what they are doing. After my stint in intensive outpatient therapy I get to deal with more reminders of what a loser I have been just 3 months into this year. Fantastic. I plan to ask this question when I call in this morning. I don't want them to believe that I have forgotten their plans to file the complaint. I want them to know they aren't surprising me with some fresh hell.

I have got to pull myself out of this malaize. I'm not on track, not completing the goals I have set before me. The fear that I will not be organized when this month is over is rising again.

I want everything to work out but I have so many doubts. It's a little hard to tap into the power of positive thinking.

First week over

Well my first week being off work and in therapy is over. I have gained insight into living with BiPolar. Organizing the house will help reduce my level of stress which should alleviate some of the symptoms. Hulda and I are working hard towards being competition ready and having a lot of fun with that.

Therapy is helping to pinpoint other stressors and ways to counter them. My husband and family have been wonderful throughout this. One problem that I have is seeing when stress is causing me to behave differently. I am actively working on managing my stress better through medication and increasing my understanding of how the disorder affects me. It is easier for Tom to see the beginning changes than it is for me. I have asked him to help me by pointing it out to me. The problem with that is that I tend to get very defensive about it. So what ends up happening is that he tries to help and I get mad at him. This is pretty unfair to him. A topic covered in therapy was giving permission to a few close and trusted people. Since verbal permission has backfired on Tom I think I am going to try written permission. I think written permission has the potential for being less overtly confrontational. It would give me a chance to collect myself and really hear what he's trying to say to me. I have a wonderful SIL who is always very willing to be helpful. She said she would be happy to address behavioral changes. I know that I am asking a lot of these two. I am very lucky to have such supportive people in my life. There are other changes that I need to make. My style of communication needs help. I'm still working on that. The other is creating healthy boundaries. I'm working on that too. That one is harder. I run between extremes either keeping people from affecting me at all or letting them push me around. My job is a great example of that.

Despite being anxious about going back to work in 3 weeks I'm starting to feel genuinely happy. I haven't felt like I could accomplish something in months and months. Maybe even years. My self image tends to be pretty crappy but organizing the pantry, training Hulda and socializing more is helping. I have this really huge fear that at the end of this month I'll actually be organized and feeling great then go back to work and watch it all fall apart. This scares me a lot. I get really tense and then depressed. Somehow I've got to over come this feeling of desperation.

Training Hulda has been really great. In addition to the class we take on Monday and Tuesday nights I've started taking a heeling class on Saturdays. This class focuses heeling in the obedience ring. This involves getting my footwork right, heeling next to the ring enclosures and making sure I'm not giving Hulda the wrong body cues. All in all its going really well and I'm looking forward to showing.

Saturday night I went to the birthday party of SIL's friend. My adorable neice was there. She was full of fun and mischief. This may sound really awful but I LOVE watching her pull the adults puppet strings, myself included. She's cute, really smart and really loves things to go her way. A triple threat. Naturally she has us in the palm of her hand. She's not really in control but she thinks she is. Ah, youth!

Ownership

I have begun therapy and am working things through. I am beginning with some basics.

I have 2 problems that affect daily life for me. The first is that I am completely disorganized, to the point where I am truly dysfunctional. This disorganization exacerbates the BiPolar symptoms. The other is that I am overweight, obese actually. My kitchen is rarely cooking friendly and when I say kitchen I mean the whole thing; pantry, refrigerator and then of course the kitchen itself. Food is bought and then never eaten. Money is wasted at the grocery store and then again at the fast food joint or restaurant. So this afternoon it is the pantry.

As an aside, there is a genuine flaw in the construction of our pantry. It is so deep that it is really easy to loose track of what's in there. My SIL has the perfect pantry in my opinion. It's large enough for a person to step into but the shelves are shallow enough to keep track of things. My shelves are 2 feet deep easy. That's just crazy making. I'm so jealous of her!

The next step will be the refrigerator and cleaning the kitchen!

Hulda and I went to training tonight and are preparing for our first practice match on Thursday night!