Manic Managed

I think I'm beginning to understand how my bipolar medicine controls manic. I have started to climb a couple of times but then I seem to level back down to a nice 'normal'. It's a pattern I've noticed. I start to fly, then I'm grumpy and edgy with some OCD like symptoms and then I'm back to something nice and normal. I spend most of my time in the normal zone. I've spent so much time depressed over the last few years that I don't believe I recognised normal for what it was. In between the flying and the grumpy/edgy is a whole lot of normal. It's nice.

The grumpy/edgy isn't much fun but if I'm not around people too much all is well. It doesn't last long and is something I can live with.

I would still love to just let myself fly but I really like this normal me. My thoughts of going off medication aren't nearly as intense as they were. I've only thought about it once this week. That's definitely progress.

I love the new location at work! I am learning the job and liking it immensely. My boss is a consultant to TXDOT, she is a project manager and she is awesome! My only regret is that at some point she will be replaced by a state employee. I don't think that this will necessarily be a bad thing. TXDOT is not TXDPS, while they are both state agencies they are unrecognizable to one another. I love the atmosphere at work. It's so professional there.

Tuesday was my first day at the new location. I have traded my at most 10 minute commute to work for a 45 minute commute to work. The 10 minute commute was the only good thing about working for TXDPS so it is soooo worth the drive! The real treat for me about the physical location of my job is it's proximity to Zilker Park and the hike and bike trails. I started my new job bringing clothes to change into so I could walk around the lake after work. I didn't get to do that on Tuesday because of the rain but I did on Wednesday and Thursday. On Friday our whole team went back to TXDPS for one day to help out so I didn't get to walk on Friday either.

I need to say this: I love the hike and bike trails! I managed to lose 75 pounds just walking around the lake a few times a week. For whatever reason I cannot get excited by exercise for its own sake. I can get excited about emersing myself into nature that happens to coincide with exercise. I have started out by doing 20 minutes a day and I plan to work that up to an hour. I felt so renewed each time.

My walks around the lake have always been a time for me to connect with my creator. It's really profound for me, I believe my experience is similar to what other people get by going to church, or temple, or what-have-you. I realized how much I missed that connection last week.

I keep saying this but I need to say it again. I am so happy! I couldn't say that for so long and now that I can, well, I just can't say it enough!

Family

It was so good getting to talk to Tom last night after he got home. I told him how I was feeling about my medication. He was worried but glad I was communicating. I am feeling far less angry than I was and I think I've headed off a week of grumpiness. Today we are going to fix my tattoo! Hurray!

His trip went well albeit rather depressing. His mother isn't doing well and has been compeltely abandoned by her other son, Tom's half-brother. She admitted with rue that he was exactly as she had raised him to be only now she is feeling the effects of his disregard for others. I think it is at the same time gratifying and saddening that he is the 'good son'. His mother's heart is broken by his half-brothers absence. The selfish bastard won't even return her phone calls. I am glad that Tom was raised by his dad and step-mom (who is more mom than his mother could ever hope to be). The feeling I have gotten when around his mother and step-brother has always been less familial and more obligatory. Nothing could be further from how it feels around his mom, sister and her family. You know you're among family because it feels like it is supposed to feel.

Flametrick Subs

Last night I went to see my favorite local band the Flametrick Subs. They were playing at my least favorite bar Beerland. Once they started playing however I completely forgot where I was. I love them that much!


My evening had started out at Mohawk, I was hoping to catch 'I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness' but I honestly couldn't listen to whatever exceedingly boring band that came on first. The last time I frequented Red River I had tried to catch them without success. I'd heard they were good and I just love the name!


I passed the time before the Subs went on looking at potential tattoos at True Blue. I know exactly which tattoo I want next. I have a tiny botched ladybug on my upper calf. At the time I got it I had a group of girlfriends, we called ourselves the Ladybug Club, I know, I know.... We each have a ladybug tattoo. We chose which ladybug and where to put it, even what color it should be. Anyway it is smaller than my pinky nail and shouldn't be difficult to incorporate into a larger ladybug. I still want the tattoo to be a ladybug. It seems wrong to me to cover up the original intent of the tattoo. I had a lot of fun with those girls until the whole thing simply exploded. Thinking about the girls reminds of just how long my last manic episode lasted. I think when Tom gets home he and I need to go and get that tattoo fixed. It wouldn't be a true manic episode without a commemorative tattoo.

I seriously considered going to play pool while waiting for the Subs. Odd considering I normally don't understand why anyone would want to play pool in the first place. For some reason knowing how to play pool sounds really, really fun. Would all my impulses be so innocuous.

Anyway, got to Beerland just before the Subs went on and was having a really good time until I started to feel the effects of one of my bi-polar drugs. Goddammit I hate having to take medication all the time. I ended up leaving way before their set was done absolutely fuming over the need to take medication at all.

It is during periods of manic that people tend to quit taking meds and I can tell you exactly why. I was so angry yesterday and knowing why I got those side affects make it difficult to want to put myself through it again. I felt tremendous last night. Right now I can barely remember what it felt like at the low point of my last depression. The reasons for taking medication are so much clearer when I am in a down swing. I am so pissed off being chained to something that isn't making sense right now. If I feel this good, am operating this capably why I on earth do I need to take meds in the first fucking place? I know better and yet I find myself sorely tempted. It isn't just losing the side effects either. Ever since I realized that I was manic the old and familiar thought 'just stop taking them, see what happens' comes along. Crazy, right? I know it doesn't make sense for a whole host of reasons the scariest being the current regimen of medication which is working so nicely right now probably wouldn't work anymore if I went off and then back on again when things got dire. A very close second is contemplating the mess I could create by being off meds. Its easy to talk myself away from that one with 'it'll be different this time, I just know it'.

I am glad that I am thinking and not just feeling. The temptation isn't going to go away. I went almost completely off my Lithium last time. I'm pretty sure I haven't admitted that before now. What resulted was a need for so much Lithium in response that it caused enough side effects to require a whole new regimen. By that time I was in the middle of a down swing and having to take a drug that was hurting me in addition to not working well was misery. If I weren't writing about this right now I probably wouldn't have remembered that.

I'm still pissed off that I have to take meds. I'm really pissed off that the meds interrupted a fun night. I'm irritated that I can't let myself feel as good as I know I could.

The next time I go out I will wait until I get home to take my meds. Friday nights I often take my meds later than ideal. Technically I'm supposed to take them the same time everday. If I take them really late I always feel a bit giddy which serves as a reminder to take them. I really don't see the harm in allowing myself to feel a little giddy while out having fun. I will feel the side effects of the medication later into the following day but who really cares? The less pissed I am about all this the easier it is stay on meds. The fewer opportunities to question the needs for meds at all, the better. I am trying to chalk last night up to 'live and learn'.

Tom is coming home tonight and I'm looking forward to venting with him. I miss him combined with last nights misadventure is probably going to lead to another week of grumpy Miss Me.

At least I can see these things coming, that combined with the fact I once again am rereading that same stupid book for like the twentieth time. I don't have OCD I just approximate aspects of it when manic.

So in closing...pool and tattoos will soon be in my future. Getting a tattoo makes me happy especially when I picture my mother's face if she ever found out I've got one.

Technicolor Crazy

Well, I'm manic.


Manic, manic, manic.

I used to have a very mean friend, I didn't know she was mean until it was too late. Because Tom is a solid citizen who doesn't throw his life away on a whim she called him 'beige'. Bitch. When I start to go manic he seems to remember her description of him. Horrible soul sucking cunt. I told him he was in no way beige and that when I go manic everyone looks beige next to my technicolor crazy. Personally I think he is more of a sunny yellow.

I have been manic for the last few weeks. There are good and bad things about having long cycles the way I do. When I feel good it lasts quite awhile however when I feel depressed that lasts awhile too.

The week before my friends baby shower I could feel it coming on. The week after the baby shower it was in full swing. The music got turned up really loud and my house got really clean.

Unfortunately the darker side of manic showed its lovely face. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it clued me in to what was going on. The doctor increased my meds.

I started the weekend feeling expansive and gregarious. Determined to set things right I worked at mending my ways. This involved being nice to someone I usually am not. It was really easy. Being a bitch takes so much more effort. Things started to turn for me mood wise later that afternoon. I was really edgy and restless. I had attended a funeral that day which may have served as a trigger event for the change in mood.

Then this week I became engrossed in a book that I was compelled to read and reread every day. I was extremely irritable, I didn't like anybody and my patience was non-existent. It was still manic but it was more OCD like.

I am happy to say that today I am back to expansive and gregarious. I am once again climbing. The music is loud, the house is clean. I feel awesome! The trigger event for this was my move over to TXDOT. I physically moved my location. I felt so wonderful! When Tom came home his rather grumpy wife had transformed into someone sweet and playful. He found me to be VERY entertaining! Another indication of climbing manic.

Tonite I am going to blow off some steam with a friend. We're going hang out around Red River and listen to some live music. I can get bored really easy when I'm manic because I constantly want to be doing something. Its an edgy kind of bored that can lead to me getting into mischief or worse. Having planned fun is a good way to siphon some of that off. The only problem is that my definition of fun differs from Tom, so I'm taking my friend Celeste. In his defense I can be very hard to keep up with when I'm determined to have 'my' kind of fun. I truly hope Celeste doesn't end up feeling dragged around. Tom will be out of town for the weekend which means I can get in late without causing him to worry. I will miss him and I might see another mood shift due to his absence. The good thing of course is being prepared for it.

My new work location is very close to Ladybird Lake. I used to walk around the lake several times a week. I lost 75 pounds doing a 45 minute walk a few times a week. I loved it too! I could feel my spirit replenish each time. I am going to start that up again beginning next week. I am really looking forward to it!

There are some things I will need to keep an eye on. When I used to go walking with such regularity the weight I lost helped push a very long period of manic. I would lose weight and feel phenomenal! I will need to keep an eye on my spending on clothing. Its usually the first irresponsible indulgence. I will need to be mindful of my tendency to use drugs during manic episodes. I can 'feel' that I am at the beginning of a long manic episode. To be honest, I'm just getting warmed up. Given the option I'd really rather be manic but it can be just as destructive as depression. I think its a very good sign that I've got my eyes open this time.

My New Attitude

Hello again, I know it's been awhile.

I am so happy!

I went to my BF's baby shower yesterday. A whole bunch of my former co-worker's were there. They all had complaints about work, very similar to the ones I used to have. Used to. Very nice couple of words they are.

There were also a couple of former co-workers who, like me, have moved on to greener pastures. Very green in fact. The three of us compared our new jobs to the old ones. Each of us were so amazed to be in jobs where we were treated like adults. Adults!

Finally, one of my former co-workers who is still stuck in hell said, "look, we're all really happy for you, now could you shut the hell up!" Hee hee hee!

I was at my MIL's house Friday night. I walked in and my BIL looked at me and said, "have you lost weight?" I don't know that I have, SIL said that I looked really happy and that happiness can do amazing things (paraphrased).

Apart from being treated with dignity and respect my new job is interesting and exciting as well. When I was first transferred over they started me out doing fairly simple clerical work. I am still working for the state but one agency is taking over the bureau I am currently still in. In this transition period they are creating two new branches and they are using all the same people but they are putting some into newly created positions. I took an aptitude test and have one of the highest scores! I also went over to the new agency's location and 'shadowed' a couple of people who have been moved over. I asked a lot of questions because I really wanted to get a feel for the new jobs being offered. This is exactly what I was supposed to do and was overheard by the Project Manager. When she told me what my new position would she told me she had listened in. She said my questions were "very thought provoking". Me! I am of course waiting for them to figure out I'm not as smart as they first thought.

I am tabling my self doubts as best I can. I am moving forward with the attitude of 'I can do this'. It's very new territory for me.

I almost forgot, my new job is called Use Case/Testing. I will be managing bugs in the system from the point of view of the user. With the rest of the team we will write out (with diagrams!) exactly what the functional requirements of fixes and new business rules are. The technical team will create the software and then we will conduct tests on it. Pretty awesome, I think!

There is one little worry in the back of my mind and that has to do with Manic. Sometimes new happy good things like this can push manic. I am keeping my eye on it. Tom and I talked about this just last night. We are going to plan some fun activities to help me let off some steam. I've got my fingers crossed for loud music and dancing!

My New Window On The World

Can't Sleep

Today, at 8:15am, I find out what the Colonel's offer is at general counsel. I have no idea what this means. I was really afraid that they would offer me my job back. Really, really afraid. It seems ridiculous now, so what if they offer me my job back. I don't have to take it. I could offer my resignation in return. Why did that not seem logical? I don't know. I only know that if the thought, the very idea of returning causes such terror in me then I don't belong there. Despite knowing all of this, that I have an answer I am still experiencing some anxiety. I am having trouble relaxing enough to sleep. This will probably be a no sleep night. I have decided that some side affects of Lunesta are bad enough to never take it again so it is strictly sleep hygiene for this girl. A good decision I feel.

I am very bad at clearly conveying my feelings. I hold so much so close that even those who love me and who are there to stand with me often don't know what I am experiencing. I have trouble with vulnerability. I have what would probably be called rigid boundaries. High walls to climb. These are coping mechanisms and they are there for good reason but they aren't serving me so well anymore. It's long past time to start letting people in. You might think from this blog that I already do but even this perceived permission to see inside is just another wall. If it is in the blog then I don't have to talk about it. I don't have to cry with family and friends even when I really, really need to. I have done such a good job of shutting people out that I have chased off or deliberately cut out most of my best friends. As awkward as being vulnerable is, it really is ok to feel and to feel with others. Time will tell if knowing this and putting it into practise will equal the same thing. I have started and I am trying. Saturday I cried all night with my very best friend. My god did it ever help.