Choices

So what to do with my new found power? I think that I must begin with an assessment of things I need to change and things I want to change. I will begin with my needs.

I need to make sure Tom knows how much I love him each and every day. I need to be certain that I encourage him in his endeavor to live healthy. I need to be the best wife that I can possibly be.

I need to at least attempt to find a way to connect in a meaningful, healthy and healing way with my dad. I acknowledge that there may be no way to change what is, but if I don't try I will regret it. I know he loves me, but he is flawed. I don't have the power to change anything about him so I must work within the limits of who he is. I love him, too. I am still here, in his life. Whether I realized it or not I never gave up on him. There are countless times that I resolved to write him out of my life but couldn't find a way to do this without hurting my mother. This is only a half truth. I cannot write him out without doing damage to myself as well. Taking that sort of action would only encourage old wounds to fester. I believe that hate hurts the hater as much as whom they hate, maybe even more. Negative energy is negative. Negative isn't positive. I know, I know. Duh! Anyway, I have learned a lot about daddy and how to get along with him. I could over think this but because I've learned how to have quality time with him (occupying same space peacefully) what's needed now is a little quantity time. The old battle lines are still visible but the war is over. Just a few years ago I would have preferred to do damage to myself than admit that I care about him, but I do. I need to let him be my dad. This is brand new and slightly scary territory for me.

I need to continue to enrich the relationship between my mother and myself. She and I have started and stopped a weekly lunch date. After the holidays we have plans to pick this up again. I try to remember to call her at least once a week and to drop in for chats. The strife and tension from my childhood has affected the sort of closeness we each desired. She and I have been actively working towards closing that chapter and are so far finding success. She is a dear sweet woman who loves me with all her heart. She has been my champion and guardian angel my whole life going so far as to putting herself between me and my father taking blows meant for me. I wish only to honor and enjoy her, she is 67 and her age weighs heavily on my mind these days. I need to know my mother as my friend.

I need to quit smoking. It doesn't make me feel good, I hate everything about them. The last time I quit cold turkey. I just don't think I can do that again. I can take the patch. I plan to put aside the money from the cigarettes for a specific purchase, I should have all I need in 3 months time.

I need to lose weight. This means I need to start walking again. I will also be going to the gym with Tom and swim laps while he does something unspeakable on a machine. Yechh!

I need to keep to a schedule. My midget is hiding but I've got him cornered and one day soon he'll be back on the job.

I need to keep my house clean. I am a terrible house keeper. It can fall into such disarray in the blink of an eye. A disorganized house can make my ADHD and BiPolar nearly impossible to manage. As an incentive will be to invite people over on a regular basis. The new setup helps a lot although I couldn't tell you why. Maybe it's just cause I like it better.

These are not resolutions. I think they're kinda silly and self-defeating. I am simply exercising my right to choose how I want to live this life. Outside of my midget I have no organized plan but charting what I am doing seems to push me into what I'd like to be doing.

Whew! Man, I need a lot. Wants will have to wait until later.

Insight

For the better part of my life I have thought of myself in terms of not quite measuring up. I didn't graduate high school, instead I dropped out and got my GED. I don't have a bachelor degree. I started college and am in fact halfway towards a bachelor degree but have not finished it. When I began my career with the state I moved up rather quickly but then stalled out. I am frequently tardy, I miss a lot of days. Whether there are mitigating circumstance or not these are the facts and it is by these facts that I judge myself. It is very hard to succeed if what you are aiming for is someone else's ideal for you. Let me explain.

My dad and I have had, for the greater part of my life, a very stormy and strife filled father/daughter relationship. There is very little in my father's life that he does not claim dominion over. He has said that I am the only thing in his life he isn't able to control. Well, that just isn't so. So long as I allow him to set the standard I judge myself by he is in complete control. I just realized that tonite. I'm a little slow, I do realize this.

I have labored under the knowledge that while my dad has his flaws, just as we all do, he has led his life with a high degree of perfection. I have set him as the standard by which I judge myself. I did not see this until just now.

My mom and I are closer than we have ever been but my relationship with my dad is pretty much unchanged. I finally learned how to avoid open warfare in the last 10 years. He honestly believes that he is absolutely correct on 98% of his opinions and feels that my life would be vastly improved if I would just get in tow. He also believes that any question about my life any aspect that he wishes to scrutinize is his business. For a very long time I accepted this as fact. It was very liberating for me when I awoke to just how false that assumption is. It has been quite some time since I actually justified myself to him verbally. I did not however evict him from my head.

I struggle with this as much as I do because of the physical abuse. He would beat and intimidate me with his physical force starting some time around first grade all the way through sixth. When I was eleven he decided the only solution to his problem was to evict me from his life. He placed me in a children's home. If you are unfamilair with these types of institutions let me give you a crash course. Children's homes are where kids who have been removed from their own homes either because their parents lost custody of them or because run ins with the law brought them there. I was the only child I ever met who was simply taken to the pound because I became an inconvenience. That is such a harsh way to look at ones self but I believed for years that I was disposable and of very little merit.

Two years later my mother had had enough. She had made a new friend who taught her how to put her foot down. Taught her that she too could be a force to be reckoned with. She brought me home my father be damned. Thanks to the loving care provided for me by my father I had been raped at the age of eleven, was introduced to drugs and learned how to fight. The only thing I learned that was of any value was how to stand up to bullies, I never again allowed him to hit, kick or beat me. With the women in his house on the revolt flexing their new found power my father's life can only be summed up as pure hell. I took every opportunity to punish him and my mother no longer stood united with him where I was concerned.

It is little wonder that my dad plays such an important role in my process of self-evaluation. I have done what abused kids do. I emulated his characteristics and behavior in an effort to self-protect. When abused children do this it is because they feel powerless and mimic their abuser in an attempt gain power over their situation. This did nothing to improve relations between my father and I. Seeing the poorer aspects of our own character in the other we were quick to point fingers and our conversations almost always ended in heated screaming arguements. Between the ages of 13 and 17 I ran away a half a dozen times, sometimes staying gone for over a week. I was kicked out of my private school on the suspicion I had engaged in sexual activity. I had been engaging but all they had was a note between me and a friend. For all the actual proof they I could have been bragging. Church of Christ, aint they something. The principal came over to talk to my parents. I overheard her suggest to them that I be sent to an institution. I didn't wait to hear my parents response. I was gone before she left. It was almost a month before I returned that time.

I didn't mean for this to be a trip down my childhood trauma but it feels very cathartic to do so. It has taken me years to realize that this does not define me. It wasn't until I worked with middle school children that I looked age 11 in the face. I remember the impact with which it hit me that in that situation I was not the adult. Coming to terms with abuse, looking at how it has shaped me and then choosing how to move forward with my new insight seems to be a continual process. Each time it has been very liberating. It has allowed me redefine myself if I so choose, how I will react to threatening situations, people in general and most of all gaining a clearer picture of who I actually am.

So where has all this been leading. Now that I see it, I don't know why I didn't see it before. My father has been wrong many times in his life. He has made actual mistakes, huge whopping mistakes. When he was my age he was divorced with two children. It was 30 years before his oldest daughter Nora would consent to be on speaking terms with him. The younger daughter Susan refuses to speak to him to this day. He went so far as to track down where she lived, she wouldn't even answer the door. I have never, ever fucked up that badly at anything. I have danced around this truth for years without ever seeing it for what it is. I am succeeding at something he could not. When he was at my age he gave up and walked away from a realtionship because it was just too hard. He gave up! I have faced infinately more trying circumstances with Tom and didn't run away just because life happened. I made a better, smarter, infinately more loving choice than he could have, than he did. The odds he faced with his first marriage don't compare, are insignificant when you consider I have stared the death of my husband in the face more than once. On a lighter note my first dog, my boxer Jazz was a pain in the ass. More than once I felt the rage he must have felt when he beat me. I know it is in me. It is impossible for it not to be there. I chose to take her to obedience classes. I chose to crate train her so she didn't pee all over the house. I went so far as to compete her in AKC obedience trials and she earned her Companion Dog title. I did not choose to beat her senseless. I did not choose to dispose of her when she became inconvenient.

I have defined myself all along. I just never saw it before. Knowing this means I have greater choice over my life. I can be, I can do whatever I choose. I've got lots of experience at it.

I need to examine my choices more critically. I see that I have made some choices I am not happy with. I really and truly am not a victim, not even of myself. I feel more than ever that the power to decide who or what I want to be and do resides squarely, soundly and solidly with me.

I Feel Great!

Is she not the prettiest Boxer girl in the world! Well, I think we may have found a great dosage for me! Let me explain. I have a strong tendency to be overly assertive. I don't like to pushed around and my answer to that has been to bristle and growl before I give you the chance to be nice to me. Tom tells me and has been telling me that this is not my natural state, that I am a naturally sweet person. Yeah, right! He insists that it is so. For the last two days I have felt downright pleasant. I have been awfully drowsy but surprisingly non combative. The Lithium had me docile by making me a zombie. This feels entirely different. When I looked into the future I saw a lot of frustration. I don't feel that right now. Maybe it is the spirit of Christmas or that a new door and furniture makes my house feel more like a home than it ever has. I think it is a combination. Today I feel great!

We Missed Our Window

It turns out we will not be breeding Hulda this time around. The progesterone results show that we missed our optimal breeding window. Optimal is crucial when breeding using chilled semen. I will continue to post photographs of her daily until I know she is definately not going to have a false pregnancy. I wished I had taken more pictures of her last false pregnancy.I think it would interesting to put it on the web and watch how it progresses. I do hope she doesn't have a false pregnancy as it comes with its own set of health risks. Here she is curled up on the new couch. I've covered it so that if she leaks out of her fancy pants it doesn't get on the couch.

New Couch!

Well, new to us anyhow. Please forgive the mess. We are in a state of transition.

Saggy Fancy Pants

Really, really getting old

Thursday I started yet another new med. I was completely out of it for 15 hours or so. The first being more or less knocked out and the last being seriously drowsy. This is not working. Now I am trying the same med at half the dose. This drug is 'tricky', that is exactly how my shrink put it. At some doses it is tranquilizing and at other doses it is the exact opposite, sort of manic making. She thinks I will need to be at 140mg-160mg. I have reduced my Adderal XR (for ADHD) by half, instead of 60mg I now take 30mg. I am down to 600mg of Lithium (for BiPolar) from 1800mg. My tremors are gone, my skin is no longer cracked and peeling, no more diahrea, my blood pressure is where it should be and no more edema. Clearly I am not meant for high doses of Lithium. I am down to 100mg of Lamictal (for BiPolar) from 300mg. I feel more like me than I have in a long time except that I have resumed more normal (relative) state of manic. What does this mean? I am actually stepping out of my house and joining the world again, I want to be where the people are. My house is cleaner and I am looking forward to things again. It also means that my complete and total inability to sleep has returned. Yay! My feeling that something isn't right, that there is something I must go do has returned. I am restless and am scared that my more reckless side will return. Manic loves instant gratification and rarely considers consequences. I am more aware than I have ever been as to exactly why I feel this way. Had I not gone through the months of slugging it out with Lithium I do not believe I would have this insight. I would love to believe that this alone will help, but I just don't buy it. It is 3:14am, I should be sleeping but simply cannot. The rest of it cannot be far behind. I feel like I have less answers than ever before. I think my doc is feeling some frustratio as well. As each drug proves incompatible the choices become more and more extreme. I have considered going on medical disability. It would be truly excellent if I can stay with the state until June of 2008. Then I qualify for retirement benefits. I am missing a lot of work and I worry what happens when FMLA runs out. I have successfully scared the crap out of my work by proving I understand the rules a hell of a lot better than they do. They have backed way off but they do know what actions they can take when my FMLA is gone. So do I. They fired a guy this year under similar circumstances. He was really stupid and thought he could get away with a trip to Europe on FMLA but he did have psychological disturbances. He did not follow the rules and infact was rather indignant that they suggest he did. Ok, maybe not so similar but you get my drift. I am tired of fighting to be normal. I am not, nor will I ever be like everyone else. I am not, nor have I ever been suicidal but I get why there is a high incidence of suicide among people with bipolar. It can get really, really overwhelming. I feel like there must be some other option to fighting with drugs and worrying about work but I just can't see it yet.

Fancy Pants Antics

Hulda has felt much better the last couple of days. I suspect we are approaching her ovulation. We are going to the vet today to get her blood draw for the progesterone test. I expect that her optimal time will land sometime around Thursday. Today she took off her fancy pants and shoved them at Monkey while pounding her into the couch. Poor Monkey.

New door! Part two

New door from the inside!
Old door on it's way to the scrap heap.
New door from the outside!
New door fixtures, after installing the door they had to install the handle! I thought these things came as a package deal. Didn't Tom choose a beautiful door and handle?
I just love all things my man can do!

Playtime with Monkey

Hulda is feeling good today and decides Monkey needs a good pounding into the couch.
Poor Monkey.

New door!

Tom and his friend Celeste work on replacing our old door. Of course this involves removing the old door first.

Hulda look on through the makeshift doggy gate perplexed.
Are you sure they don't need my help?

Curled Up

Hurled curled up on the couch a bunch today. It sucks wearing panties. It is difficult to tell when Hulda is actually ready to breed by her behavior. She flags from day 1 which offers no clear indication. We're doing a progesterone test on Monday which will help pinpoint her optimal breeding date. For now she just has to suffer through. Poor, poor Hulda.

Bad Dog!

Mad Boxer mauls innocent Snowman. News at 11:00.
Poor Snowman. Here he is after his harrowing rescue.

Here is the perpetrator of this most horrible event. Oh, sure...she looks cuddly. Don't be deceived!

Day 3 of Hulda's Heat Cycle

Hulda sleeps on the bed with us. This is only a problem when she comes in season. On the morning of the 12th I noticed a few small drops of blood on the bed sheets. Yucky! So this means she probably started on the 11th. Timing is everything if I want to breed her. We are going to be cutting it awfully close to Christmas. I'm not driving up to Dallas for the transcervical insemination on the 23rd. Just not happening. We'll just have to wait and see what the progesterone test tells us.

Hulda was a bit cold this morning. She was curled up in an extra tight ball when I wasn't on the couch and on top of me when I was. So like any good mom I put a sweater on her. She and Monkey played 'On The Couch, Off The Couch', a favorite of Hulda's but not so much for Monkey. Monkey loves a quiet curl up on the couch, Hulda likes to play pummel Monkey into the couch. My Hulda is bossy alpha when she's not in season, in season she almost forgets I'm alpha. Poor Monkey.

I tend to keep Monkey and Hulda separate because Hulda plays so roughly with her. Hulda is an extrovert who likes to be running around and playing all the time. Just how I like my doggies! Monkey is more introverted and would rather just snuggle. Without Monkey to distract her Hulda starts to really feel her heat. Heat cycles are very hard on bitches, the uterus is literally hammered with progesterone. Progesterone is actually inflammatory to the uterine lining, so much so that at the end of each and every cycle the uterus sustains some permanent damage. If a bitch has some difficulty conceiving and invitro fertilization is opted for the vet will massage the uterine horns to break up any cysts that may have formed. If you have no plans to breed your bitch you are saving her from 60 days of discomfort every 6-9 months. I plan on breeding Hulda at least once, possibly twice and she will be spayed immediatey after.

Here's Hulda feeling a bit better! I caught her waiting for me when I went out to the garage to start a load of laundry. Poor thing, she just hates her fancy pants!

Hulda's in Season

Honestly, I didn't think it was going to happen, I was expecting it around the 2nd of December. She likes to do things her own way and this is no different. I am not brave enough to keep a 365 day photo diary of myself however I will keep a photo diary of her pregnancy starting with her heat cycle. I begin with the much dreaded fancy pants. Please exuse my floor, it needs a good sweep and a mop!

Cats and Dogs Living Together!!

Post Surgical Visit

Today I met with my OG/GYN for my post surgical visit. Everything is going as expected. I am doing well. Good news! I got to see (and even have copies) of the pictures of my insides. To be honest the before and after both look kinda gross to me. I had a polyp which has been removed, non cancerous as expected. My menstrual cycle is a good deal lighter. Panty liners suffice now when previously the largest maxi pad would last me only 2 hours if that. Menstrual cramping is barely noticeable. These are all very good things.

One of my concerns was that ablation was a new procedure. The other concern was sterility and the affect that would have on Tom. I had never heard of it and was nervous about getting a new and barely tested (meaning it had just passed the FDA and was new to the market) procedure. I declined the ablation to give myself some more time to investigate it. Since my surgery I have had time to do some research and have found that most women who have had this performed are pleased with the results. The procedure is over 20 years old, it is only the type of ablation that is new. Novasure has been around for about 5 years and is considered to be the quickest and safest method to date. This is good news. I believe that Tom is angry that any chance we had at reproduction is now gone. This is very bad news.

We discussed the procedure that I hadn't authorized. The ablation. My doctor has been very forthcoming and has taken the extra step to set up a meeting between her, the Director of OR, Tom and myself. I am going to call my attorney tomorrow to see if he will join us at this meeting. I found out today that I went into surgery with an unsigned consent form. It is of no matter to my doctor that I needed this procedure. I am a patient who said no and this was not addressed. The ends do not justify this colossal screw up.

From what I understand this mistake boils down to one nurse who failed to do her job. I am keeping an eye to be sure she is not simply being used as a scapegoat for the surgical center. It seems somewhat implausible that it could only be one person's mistake. Surely there were other people working that day!

These are the questions I want answered.

1. How did this happen, in detail? I want to know who, what, why and when.
2. What has been done to rectify this problem?
3. What is being done to ensure this doesn't happen to someone else?
4. Please provide me copies of all paperwork for this procedure. I want copies of my online form and the consent form that I never signed. I also want copies of any surgical notes.

I will keep you updated.

Hit them where they live

Funny little phrase, I've always thought. 'Hit you where you live'. It means you've been dealt a very personal blow that forces you to sit up and pay attention. Well, North Austin Surgery Center has my undivided attention. I've been giving a lot of thought to this. I have been reticent, despite my anger, to mount a suit of some sort. I've contacted legal counsel although I'm having some trouble in this area. The thing is, I don't believe that getting money from them will provide me with the sort of satisfaction I am after. I have been robbed of the most basic purpose of my existence, reproduction. All personal issues I may have surrounding this topic fall away when it is forcefully removed. I have been violated. When countries go to war they look to their allies. Lawyers are an end unto theselves. While passion may play a role in their chosen profession they are in it, usually, for the paycheck. A lawyer is less of an ally and more of a weapon, in my opinion. So who do I have as an actual ally? The answer is kinda funny when you think about it. My health insurance company is my ally. They will have a keen interest in monies paid for a procedure their client, me, specifically and repeatedly refused. My insurance has the ability to make them pay; mount their own law suit, recoup money, etc. It seems to me there would be legal and by this I mean criminal ramifications and they could help me file charges. Perhaps not, however they will also have a complete list of North Austin Surgery Center's governing bodies and licensing affiliates. Each of these will have their own complaint process. What was done was serious and handling it through a personal law suit doesn't feel satisfactory. I want to take them in front of their peers and their betters and shine a very, very bright light on what happened to me. In short, I want to hit them where they live.

Urban Nonfiction

Generally speaking, urban legends are stories about scary incidents that, if true, would impinge on a great many people. These tales, often of faceless and nameless terror, entice the reader with conspiracies that might surely affect them.

What about truth that sounds like fiction? Urban Nonfiction just doesn't have the same ring, does it? Not to strike fear into the heart of, well probably less than 10, but 'surgical accidents' are more common than you might think.

Why all the drama? Well, last week three surgical operations were performed on me. I had specifically requested one of them not be performed. Strangely enough the fault does not lie with the physician. She was not informed that I had changed my mind. When I left her office there was a question as to whether or not I wanted this procedure performed.

The surgery center called me to set up the procedure. I told them and was very clear. I don't want the [procedure].

I filled out the online form and in the space provided I wrote, "I do NOT NOT NOT want the [procedure]".

On the day of the surgery they thanked me for filling out the online form. They showed me a printed copy of it and asked me to sign.

While being prepped for surgery I got a look at the orders. I know they were orders because that is what the nurse told me they were when I asked, "what the hell is this?". There were three procedures. One was the procedure I had approved of, the second was the one I had stated twice I didn't want. The third was a scopic procedure, bascially taking pictures of the affected area.
I grabbed the nurse, pointed to the paper and said, "I do NOT want that!".

A few seconds later, or so it seemed, I remember talking to my doctor very upset. I asked if the procedure I didn't want and had now made thrice clear to the surgical center, had been performed? She indicated it had and was upset and surprised at how upset I was.

She initially thought I might just be coming out of the anesthesia hard. This was only my second time going under but in highschool I remember being upset and frightened coming out. She looked into it however and found that I had repeatedly requested through the surgical center that this not be done.

My mistake was in not taking advantage of my opportunities to speak with her the day before and day of surgery. I assumed that the surgical center would handle this appropriately and I was more focused on getting the paperwork for my job completed.

She never heard from me that I had changed my mind. In many ways I feel I have done this to myself.

In most ways I feel that the surgical center did not do their job.

I am looking into a law suit.

I get angrier every day.

My Grandmother's Rings

My grandmother (Oma) loved topaz, next to diamond's of course. My mother has this elegantly set topaz boulder ring. In all seriousness, this stone is huge. This year, for no reason at all (birthday, Xmas, etc.), my mother passed two of my Oma's rings down to me. One of these two rings stands out in my memory from childhood. It was always on her hand. It is a beautiful ring. Three diamonds are set flush in an oblong rim. This rim is surrounded by a platform of brushed gold supported by a sort of art deco filigree. It is unique and beautiful. My mother can't remember the reason that Opa gave it to her but I think it was an anniversary gift. My Oma loved, loved, loved, loved, loved jewelry. Fortunately for her she had a gifted jeweler as a brother in law. All the women in my family have something made just for them by Uncle Heiny (short for Heinrich). I have no memory of him, but he met me. I have a 24k bracelet with my name on it. He made it for me the woman not me the infant. He looked ahead, always wanting me to enjoy this gift from him. It was too big for my wrist until high school. I was so excited when it finally fit! I tried it on whenever I could coax mother to get it out, again. Sometimes I just wanted to look at it. Afterwards I would ask questions about my Uncle Heiny. Where he was, when could I meet him, what was he like. It was awhile before I understood what death really meant. Sadly, I no longer wear it. Partly because the gold is so pure it is soft and takes scratches very easily, but mostly because it is a priceless treasure from someone who loved me. It is also a reminder of my Tanta Ria. I adored her. My Tanta Ria was a strong and independent woman. Hard as granite on the outside, she remained a widow, never remarrying. She supported herself very comfortably. She had an apartment in Hanau, West Germany over looking the town square. We visited her quite often, my Oma and Tanta had always been close. I remember being a small girl watching the swallows wing their way around the buildings and listening to the church bells as my mother, Oma and Tanta talked. Listening to the women in my family talk was this warm, pleasant and familiar background buzz. My Tanta Ria was completely different with men, in particular my father, but there was another side to her. As formidable as my Tanta could look and sound she was really melted chocolate on the inside. I found that out early on, she had a terrible time refusing any request. She spoiled me, while discussing the ills of spoiling a child, whether I was in Germany or the states. My Oma and Tanta would send a care package every few months, there was always something special for me. Isn't it funny how an object so small as a ring can trigger memories? The other ring I do not remember my Oma wearing. I am sure she did, it is set with her favorite stone topaz. Not as large as the one my mother has but still a bit over done. It is a silver ring which is unusual for her. She greatly preferred gold. It has a Mediterranean look to it, she may have picked it up vacationing in Greece. My Oma had small fingers, the only finger I can fit it on is my pinky. It fully covers a third of my pinky. When I wear it, it is because of the love of her memory. That makes it beautiful to me. Today I thought I had lost this slightly over done silver and topaz ring. I was nearly undone. I tore my truck apart, dumped my purse and cried to my SIL. I went back out to the truck. I had already searched the front half and pulled out anything not nailed down. I hadn't checked the back at all. I hadn't been back there, I hadn't reached back there. There, underneath a camouflage jacket my husband had on last weekend was my Oma's ring. Earlier that day, that ring had been on my pinky. I don't know how it got under that jacket. I may have been in the back half of the truck and just can't remember. I like to think my Oma watches me still. It is a pleasant notion to think she had a hand in the ring's recovery. Don't you think?

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme

Recently a relative had a birthday. I asked her for a list of presents she would like. Like most people, reluctant to 'ask' for something she stalled. And stalled. And stalled. I resorted to manipulation by extortion. I told her that was fine, I'll get you something anyway only I'll make certain it's something you won't like, something that poops. I never told what kind of pooper I was planning for her. I hinted around at a number of poopers. I was prepared to show up at her party with a Beta or Goldfish in a lovely little bowl. Thankfully, I didn't have to do that. I never give pets as a gift (I would have taken it home if need be). Finally, she caved! Yes! I'm the winner! Oh, sorry. It's not polite to gloat.

This encounter with a relative taught me something. I'm really no different. To be honest, if you were to ask me right this minute what I wanted every desire, every hoped for item would leave me head at the speed of light. I decided I should really do something about that. Instead of pretending I don't want anything I will proudly proclaim my wish list to the world. Merry Christmas World! Here is my gift to you!

Crazy socks -I wear fun socks all winter long!
Bath beads, bath salts, bubble bath -Nothing helps me
wind down like a hot bath!
Sleepytime Tea from Celestial Seasonings -Mmmmmmm!

Books:

1. The Proper Feeding and Care of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger
2. The Evolution of Morality and Religion by Donald Bloom

Movies:

1. The History of the World: Part 1
2. To Be Or Not To Be
3. Young Frankenstein
4. High Anxiety
5. Silent Movie
6. The Princess Bride
7. Robin Hood: Men In Tights
8. Angel the series; Season 2
9. Angel the series; Season 3
10. Angel the series; Season 4

Gift Certificates to the following:

1. The Herb Bar
2. Celebration
3. Target
4. The Container Store
5. World Market

The Up and the Down

I have Bipolar. I was diagnosed about 2 years ago. I am doing pretty well at the moment. It is in these moments that I forget why I was diagnosed to begin with. I saw my drug rep (psychiatrist) (she happens to be a very good doctor) today with a laundry list of things to discuss. On that list was 'why do we think I have bipolar?'. We went over a list of problems we had tackled together. Oh, yeah...I remember. I was hoping for a quick discussion about how I'm truly OK and just have ADHD. I was first diagnosed with ADHD at a young age and that same diagnosis has been made several times over the years. I'm comfortable with ADHD; I recognize when I'm having difficulty and I have lots of coping strategies. Bipolar is still new and scary to me. To be honest it is only in the last 6 months that I realized we were confronting the bipolar separate from the ADHD. My symptoms are mild compared to most for which I am thankful.

Still, I have symptoms which is why I go visit the drug rep. I have been doing really well recently and this is because I finally agreed to take the amount of lithium she thought we would be beneficial. I am at a 'therapeutic' level.The thing that sucks is that being on this amount of lithium brings side affects into clearer focus. I have a dear friend at work who had a bad experience with lithium as a child. In her mind lithium is evil, she's a little dramatic but genuinely worried. Doing a web search on side affects of lithium would be a way to either validate or relieve her concern. Here is what I found out:

1.) There is a fine line between therapeutic and toxic levels of lithium. Wow! That was an eye opener. I didn't do much research on lithium, it has been around forever. It is very effective and usually well tolerated.

2.) The following is a list of symptoms I attributed to other causes: HAND TREMOR: DRY CRACKING SKIN ON HANDS: HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE: LETHARGY: WEAKNESS: EDEMA IN CALVES, ANKLES AND FEET: CONSTANT THIRST: CRAZY FREQUENT URINATION: SLURRED SPEECH: NAUSEA: DIMINISHED SEX DRIVE: FATIGUE

3.) This is the only side affect I knew came from lithium: DIARRHEA

Now before you get upset with my drug rep these symptoms are not typical. Some of them have been going on for over a year, some within the last 3 months. Until today, the only symptom I brought to her attention was the diarrhea. It never occurred to me that dry hands or edema could be the work of lithium. I was convinced the hand tremor was due to anemia or the iron pills I take to counter it. So, we had a lot to discuss. Prescribing medication has never been something she does 'to' me. Before changing we look at a list of drugs, discuss pros and cons. For right now she has reduced my dosage. We're going to take it slow because my blood pressure is in play. Depending on how my symptoms are in one week, I may or may not try out a new med. I may be able to simply lower my lithium dosage. I like that option. Lithium has worked really well. The only other medicine for mania we've tried was Depakote. I puked and puked and puked. I love what lithium has afforded me. Relations between myself and my family have never been better. My mother and I are closer than ever. I worry throwing lithium away is throwing that away. Cross your fingers for me.

Copy Cat

Imatation is the sincerest form of flattery. Isn't that how the justification for robbing someone else's ingenuity goes? Well, I have chosen to unabashedly flatter my SIL with thievery. I noticed on her blog she shared things she was "consuming". I didn't realize that this was a website dedicated to helping folks impart to others what they were reading. I thought that was pretty nifty. So, I decided complimets were in order and commited larceny. I have absolutely no idea what is available on the web. My only option is to pilfer. Sad, no? It is a miracle that I have been blogging with such frequency. This site sat in neglect for months. I predict that at some point my attention will change focus but for now it is fun, interesting and even informative.

Happy Birthday Missy!

My SIL is turning 30 this weekend. She is handling this with more maturity and decorum than I was able to manage. In fact, I think she is looking forward to it! I am giving her as much grief as I can manage. Truthfully I really appreciate her insight, humor and that she is playfully evil, just like me. The more I get to know her, the more I appreciate her. So, big HAPPY BIRTHDAY from your daughter's Tanta (that means best, coolest aunt ever in German).


I'm looking forward to tonite! I can't wait to see the look on your face when you open my present.

If this were real...

...if this were real I'd be a really bad dog mom. She loves this new toy. It's a life like, life sized skunk toy. I didn't get the raccoon toy because we have them around here and I didn't want her getting any ideas. Skunks, as far as I know, live in the country. She is having a ball. I really love this little dog!

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Spooky?

This was the first photo I snapped with Hulda sitting for the witch. The photo is ruined because of the smoke from my cigarette. Looks sort of spooky though, I thought.

Post Halloween Special

Please excuse the date stamp on this picture, I didn't realize my camera had reset. I love Halloween. I have a lot of Halloween 'paraphenalia' because I always take advantage of post halloween sales. Tom was at Wal-Mart and found this 6 foot tall witch. He's really sweet, he likes to help me build up my holiday arsenals. We set it up and set it against the wall. Hulda had her eye on it. She knew this wasn't a person but she sensed something similar. People get lots of wiggles and kisses. She simply went up to the witch and sat. I ran for my camera. Hulda is a talker, meaning she vocalizes. I missed her rising on two feet, while talking to get a sniff of a hand. I snapped this just as she decided this was pretty boring and sauntered off to find a toy. She was so cute. She's such a great dog!

My darling niece

This is the most beautiful girl in the world. Period. I realized today that I haven't posted any pictures of my niece. That is a HUGE error on my part. These pictures were taken on her birthday in June. She's perfect and I just had to share that.

This Blogs For You!

I was so very wrong! Impossible, I know but true. I do have a winner! Kathy was the only person (me and Tom included) who correctly guessed that the smaller, dark puppy was the cross. My hat's off to you. You are our victorious guesser! What a triumph! You rock! As promised this blog post is dedicated to you! I know, what a fantastic prize! I only a have a few pictures of you, all from Serif's birthday party. If anyone wishes to opine please limit your comments to the fabulousness of Kathy!
If you feel like singing for joy Kathy I reccomend Queen's "We Are The Champions"

May I have the envelope please?

The envelope is empty! Well that sucks. Nobody won. I guessed wrong too! The puppy on the left is the cross. The puppy to the right is the purebred Bulldog. When I emailed my friend to ask her she sent more pictures with the answer. I didn't see it until this picture. The puppy on the right has an enormous head and very short legs.

The cross has been spoken for already. His owner is a certified K 9 narcotic trainer for the military. He isn't going to be a service dog, don't worry that's what I thought too. She had more inquiries about him than the bulldog! He'll be going home between 12 and 16 weeks old.

These are pictures of the Bulldog. I am waiting on more of the cross.

I love happy endings.

Double Trouble

Aren't they adorable. They are from the same litter. One is a purebred bulldog from showlines and the other is a boxer bulldog cross. Weird huh? There was an accident at my friends kennel on the very day a bulldog stud was due for breeding. This litter's mother, Pebbles a bulldog, is best pals with the Angelo a boxer. Angelo is Hulda's daddy. Pebbles got away from my friends son. She ran straight over to Angelo. Pebbles was in heat and Angelo is an experienced stud dog. The stud and his owner arrived shortly after this mishap. The AKC does DNA testing to determine parentage if requested. They discussed the problem and decided to breed her to the bulldog and sort it out with the AKC later. They look like bulldog puppies to me but apparently one is not. If I had to take a guess I think I'd know which one I'd pick as the cross. What do you think?

Why I Love My Dog

Zzzzz

I am really struggling to keep to a schedule. I have decided that I need a keeper. A Patti Keeper. Kinda like a zoo keeper without the zoo. I think that a taser will be crucial to my success. I like the idea of a midget. So, if you know of a midget zoo keeper armed with a taser who is willing to work for no pay please, send them my way.

I have resolved my insomnia in-so-far as the bipolar is concerned. That was step one. I am no longer staying awake for 24-48 hours at a stretch. A sleep study of me was conducted on 10/28/06. I will be receiving new equipment on 11/07/06. This should resolve my sleep disturbances (SD). What is an SD you ask? Anytime you wake up at night for whatever reason. Typically I wake up to pee. This is related to sleep apnea which will be resolved next week. Sleep apnea causes me to stop breathing in my sleep. A rush of adrenaline forces me into consciousness. The adrenaline also increases the need to urinate. Don't ask me why, I forget. The lithium I take is a diuretic. More pee. So, I wake up go to the bathroom, lay back down and have trouble getting back to sleep. A typical Patti SD. It is recommended not to stay in bed if it takes you more than 30 minutes to fall asleep. I have an SD 2-3 times a night on average. So I get back up, drink some Sleepytime tea (yeah, I know...more pee) and try to bore myself. That is difficult as I am extremely interesting. Fascinating really. Out of the ordinary. Mesmerizing. You see my dilemma.

So here is my plan.

At 5:30am my Patti Keeper will wake me up. Zzzzz.

I will eat breakfast, feed Hulda, Simon and Monkey. Take my meds, get dressed and ready for work.
Around 6:30-7:00 I will wake Tom. No taser. Well, probably no taser.
An hour after my breakfast I will drink orange juice, take my iron and vitamin C. About 7:40 I will leave for work.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

At noon I will go home, let the dogs out (and back in), feed myself and take more meds. Then around 12:40 I will return to work.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

When I return home I will let the dogs out and start dinner. While dinner is cooking I will feed the dogs and Simon. I will have eaten dinner by 6:30. Eating early is conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

Between 6:30 and 8:30 I will do tiring work around the house. Exercise a few hours before bed is conducive to sleep. I will take more meds. Tom will get home and we'll talk about our day and our plans for world domination. I will play with the dogs. I will probably watch TV and blog.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

At 8:30 I will light the essential oil diffuser beside my bed. Essential oils are conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

Between 8:30 and 9:15 I will take a scalding hot bath scented with lavender essential oil and drink a cup of Sleepytime tea. A hot bath is conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

Between 9:15 and 10:00 I will watch TV with Tom and discuss our plans. I will play with the dogs and drink a cup of Sleepytime tea. Sleepytime tea is conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

At 10:00 I will put up Monkey, kiss Tom goodnight and go to bed. I will take sleep meds. I will be pleasantly relaxed by the aroma from the diffuser. I will turn on my relaxing Ocean Waves CD. I will read my book on sleep. Relaxation music and tedious reading are conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

At 10:30 it is lights out. Darkness is conducive to sleep.

If I get off track. Zzzzz.

Flawless, don't you think? I am sure there are things I must do that I left out but then that is why I have the midget. Zzzzz.

So, just send that little fellow my way and I'll be set.
Much appreciated.

Zzzzz.

Victory Dance!

I don't see cause and effects very well. Especially when it comes to my health. Here is a good example. My manic episodes were getting out of control around late spring into summer. Thoughts were rushing through my head so fast I couldn't sleep. I would go 24-48 hours without sleep. This would happen once sometimes twice a week. None of the meds I take for sleep helped at all. I tried a few meditation techniques but I couldn't quiet my brain. I slept only when I was physically exhausted. I saw my psychiatrist who increased my Lithium. I had concerns about being on so much medication and had resisted her recommendations. This time I listened to her. The increase in Lithium put an end to the 24-48 hour insomnia episodes. Victory!
The Lithium also put an an end to most of my irrational anxiety. I have panic episodes. Panicking while driving had become an issue for me. This started after I was in a serious rollover car accident. I would have anxiety attacks while driving. I would be overcome with fear especially on high bridges and flyovers. I had to concentrate very hard on simply getting myself to safety. Since the increase in Lithium panic has ceased to be an issue. Despite my efforts to avoid flyovers I would find myself on them. This is the attention deficit in attention deficit disorder. I simply paid no attention to what I was doing. Once it's too late I have to move through it. The fear that my car would simply drive itself over the edge is powerful. I found myself on a flyover recently and that fear was gone. In fact I was able to appreciate how cool the experience really is. Panic episodes in general seem to be gone. This was huge for me and definitely felt like a victory!
I have suffered from severe tension headaches for several years. Occasionally they are so bad that I have to get Demerol shots to cope with the pain. My neurologist explained that they were not true migraines despite the pain. A migraine has to do with blood rushing too fast in the brain (I think that's what he said) while mine were related to anxiety. When my psychiatrist first put me on Lithium I experienced a decrease in tension headaches. Since the increase in Lithium I haven't had a single tension headache like that. I meet with him this week (I see him every 4-6 months) and I'm curious what his opinion will be. I like him well enough but I'm hoping he releases me as his patient. I think it will feel like victory!

Getting relief for problems in 3 areas of my life by putting one into balance is wild to me. I knew that Bipolar affected many layers of my life and I probably paid lip service to that affect. Still, it is wild to me that a solution to one problem could be such so far reaching. I am still coping with insomnia but it is not nearly as out of control. Sleep is incredibly important and I'm working very hard to solve the problem. One piece to this puzzle was getting the bipolar under a greater degree of control. Victory!

Anxiously waiting

Tomorrow I get the results of the biopsy. I have a lot of fear about what she has to tell me. In addition I am having problems with the iron supplements. Since I started taking my iron pills I have the sensation of shaking and sometimes I actually shake. This makes no sense to me. This is not supposed to be happening. I will discuss this with her tomorrow at my appointment. I think she is going to talk with me about fibroid tumors. She told me that was part of what the biopsy, that and cancer. The fibroid tumors seems to fit my symptoms. The treatments that have been discussed with me is progesterone pills. I honestly feel that this treatment will be paired with something else. Progesterone alone will not rid me of the of the tumors. The other treatment she discussed was cauterization of the uterus, essentially burning my uterus. Online treatments were D&C and hysterectomy. Those 3 sound they are going to hurt a lot afterward. I know I shouldn't self diagnose even though certain sites are consistently accurate. I am really scared.

Tom was so sweet yesterday. On his way home he grab some steaks, mushrooms and an excellent bottle of wine, Becker's Iconoclast. He cooked me dinner, set the table, poured the wine and lit a candle. Isn't he wonderful?

I think so.

Doggy Genius

My Tuesday night was going well. I made dinner in the ideal time frame. This is 2 days in a row which is nearly a miracle. I load up Hulda's cube with treats. She makes a huge racket rolling it around on the saltillo tiles. It's great! She really wants the goodies inside, they are a favorite (Bil-Jac's Liver Treats). The cube is designed to make her think. My girl must be a genious! She is a treat extracting dynamo! I've tried the cube on our foster dog Monkey. She is a treat hound herself. I put the cube filled with treats and I hope that Hulda will show her the ropes. Nothing doing. Monkey would rather get pats and love from us. Hulda looks and a little disappointed and then realizes more for me! Didn't I tell you she was smart? Tom and I watch a little TV. The alarm on my phone lets me know it is time to prepare for bed. Things are moving along well. I am so pleased with myself. With bedtime preparations done I realize I'm ahead of schedule. I put a few more treats into her cube and let her go to town. I really love this dog. I wonder just how smart she could get?

Aliens, Nessie, Bigfoot and the Chupacabra

I think all the paranormal shit is great! I am not saying I'm convinced, just extremely entertained. Personally, I can't wait until they find the Chupacabra. We had renters from Mexico who all swore they had seen the beast. There is a website which explains how they evolved from seamonkeys! Compelling stuff! I love those shows aimed at uncovering the real truth! I used to think that most of the people they interview were doing it for Warhol's 15 minutes. Now, I think some of these people really believe this shit. October is the best month of the year for this. The networks parade the freakiest people that have ever contacted anybody about their cryptozoologic encounters. I take my place among the lowing herd and watch transfixed. By the end of the show I am so close to buying it all. Lock, stock and barrel. Then I sigh, oh well.

Tom watches a lot of strange TV with me. I amuse and exasperate him. I know sometimes he looks at me and must think 'If I have to watch much more of this I'm gonna snap!'. It didn't help matters when my mother admitted to loving shows on aliens in specific. I was elated! Tom groaned. She's not convinced either. We both think it would be so cool if it were true! Since her revelation I have enjoyed teasing Tom about it. I make mock plans to invite mom over for an all night alien marathon! He usually mumbles something about a strip club.

He is such a good sport! Sometimes, he'll comment on some piece of evidence. He forgets that it is all rubbish and suspends disbelief with me. It's great! He recently made the comment that the 'experts' fear Nessie may be dead. Not Nessie! There haven't been as many recent eyewitness accounts. Nessie is the only monster I really, really, really wanted to exist. She was my first. Tom was disappointed about it with me. How amazing is he? I just adore him!

Last night the remote control got a real workout! Aliens were on the History channel, the Daily Show was on Comedy Central and OReilly was on Fox. I get up during commercials and he took the advantage. Eventually though I realize we've gotten off track and it's back to Aliens. Poor Tom. I think he was hoping Southpark or Drawn Together would be on Comedy Central. That might've put an end to the Alien nonsense.

I'm excited! The closer we get to Halloween the more shows to pick from. It could be a real dilemma choosing which bit of rubbish to watch!

Tonite, it's ZOMBIES!

Antidote to Friday

Tom and I went to Texas Hills Vineyard today. Thankfully the harpy owner was not there. Tom tasted his favorites, the heavier reds and sampled the Moscatos and Ports. On my first trip to this winery my favorite was Orange Moscato and I regretted not getting a bottle. I remedied the mistake. Tom and then took off for Chisholm winery, or so we thought. A slight navigational error put us way off and we just couldn't make the winery before closing. No big deal. We laughed it off. We do our best talking when driving. It's just Tom, me and the road. This has been true for us since the beginning. He loves maps. We used 4 maps (which makes getting off course that much more humerous. So as I said we talk well on the road.

I mentioned in my last post that seeing my uterus and ovaries on screen had an unexpected and primal affect on me. Tom and I discuss children as an ‘idea' with more frequency since the advent of Serif. I had a brief period, just before Tom began his intensive chemotherapy, where I wanted a baby. In a fit of insanity I thought being pregnant while he was undergoing chemotherapy would be a 'good' idea. We tried and tried. I even went on a mild form of fertility medicine. God knew better. Thank you God. I say that because my thoughts hadn't gotten past getting pregnant. I don't think I gave any thought the human being we would create. When we got the results of his zero sperm count we were devastated. The result was that I took a critical look of my life and began to see that I simply was not and may never be ready for motherhood. I also asked the question do I actually want children and if so why? I was worried that my desire to be pregnant had just been a desperate need for something normal and happy. On examination I repeatedly came to the conclusion that the answer was a resounding no. Lately, however Serif has me wondering if there aren't some really neat advantages to joining the 'parent club'. My SIL and BIL make it look easy. I worked as a nanny for several years so I know how hard they really are working at being good parents. Kudos to them! I say all of that and yet seeing my uterus and ovaries caused something primal to stir in me. I think that is really weird. Tom has an intense desire to be a father. He would be a phenomenal father. The topic is a more and more frequent one between us. We asked the priest who married us to leave out the blessing for children since at that time it was something neither of us wanted. Tom was more adamant about not having children than me. I honestly believe that the ceremony and wedding vows are important. The blessing, in my mind is real and we rejected it. We couldn't even foresee a time when a family would pose a legitimate desire. Here we are, 11 years later and one of wants children so very badly and the other is on the fence. I hate that I am what stands between Tom and his dream of a family. I bring up my pragmatic and logical reasons. My arguments make sense but ultimately are pointless. Pragmatism and logic having nothing to do with his intense and earnest desire for kids. I have no idea where this ongoing discussion will take us. I'm 36, not an ideal age for starting a family. Still I find myself closer to accepting children as a real possibility.

Tom and I ended our day by bringing home some Rudy's Barbeque (expensive!) and opening a bottle Alamosa's Viognier 2004. This is the first viognier that we liked. It's a difficult grape to grow. Alamosa grows these grapes themselves. We have found that makes a huge difference in the quality and flavor of the wine. When winerys just buy the grapes from another vineyard they don't have the intimate knowledge of growing and caring for the grapes. That is our experience anyway. The Viognier was great with barbeque and I think it would be a perfect compliment to turkey or ham.

Prost!

Crappy Friday and my Mom's conviction

Friday sucked. There is no other way to put it. I am going to be discussing problems with my reproductive organs/cycle and problems therein. There, you've been warned.

My monthly cycle has never been normal or followed a predictable path until recently. During highschool I went 6 months without a period and did so again when I was about 22. I was briefly on birth control in the late 80's but didn't stay on long. Then about a year before Tom and I married I went on the Norplant. For 4 years I had a very light period once a year. After the Norplant my cycles were long, heavy and completely unpredictable. It has only been in the last year that my cycle has decided to normal out. The new routine is even worse.

I have never kept track before because there was just no point. I could have no period or a cycle that varied from 20 days to 32 days. I have been on a very fast cycle (about 20 -25 days) recently. I spot for about a week including some small clotting, have slight cramping and intense breast tenderness and for a couple of days my nipples will hurt so much that I have to lay on a heating pad to get relief. All this constitutes my premenstrual stage. In addition I am incredibly irritable, abnormally emotional and over sensitive. Tom is so sweet and understanding. He is amazing! I don't know how he does it. There should be a medal.

The second phase of my cycle begins with moderate bleeding, larger clots which are occasionally stringy, breast tenderness and cramping. This lasts a day maybe two. The worst stage is next.

Phase three is the worst. I have always been a heavy bleeder but it is nearly uncontrollable for two days. I have to change my accoutrement every two hours! That is insane and it is no guarantee that I won't have an accident! Factor in the massive clotting and well you get the picture. The breast tenderness is gone but the cramps are almost unbearable. Some are so bad I find it difficult to think clearly. Every time I've been to the doctor I've been told the same thing. Birth Control. I'm really, really not interested in any sort of hormonal therapy.
,More on that in a bit.

The end of my cycle is about 2 days of moderate bleeding, light cramping and moderate clotting. Then anywhere from 4 to 11 days of spotting, small clots and mild cramping. All in all I am bleeding, cramping, clotting and having breast pain for about 3 weeks. About a week to two weeks is all the respite I get.

So, I decide to give the doctors another go at it. I made an appt. with my PCP for 9/13/06. She heard my concerns about hormonal therapy and decided to send me to an OB/GYN and she ordered a sonogram. I really like my OB/GYN. I met with her on 10/05/06. She is smart and very upfront. She listens to and answers questions. She said that the 2 of the meds I'm on, Lithium and Lamictal, could be contributing to the changes in my cycle. Super great. I was uncomfortable doing the examination as I was bleeding. Blood was drawn that day and the sonogram was scheduled for 10/20/06.

I got the results of the blood tests this week by mail. Everything was normal except that I am anemic. To quote my OB/GYN "very anemic". So now I have to take iron supplements. Just what I needed, another pill. I am going to have to call my shrink next week and keep her abreast of these exciting new developments. The anemia can cause fatigue, which is also a symptom of depression. If I'm experiencing fatigue due to the anemia rather than the bipolar it could be that a change in medication is needed.

The sonogram. All in all not so bad. The didn't see much with the belly sonogram (even though I CHUGGED 40 0z of water in 5 minutes) so they had to go to the dildo sonogram. I'm sure they have some other word for it, but that is what it was. I had to insert it myself and then she took over. I got to see my uterus and ovaries. It was really easy to see. My ovaries look normal, I even saw follicles! My uterus is normal shaped but the lining is too thick. To the untrained eye everything looked normal and healthy. Which brought forth some unexpected feelings. I will address this in a second post.

The lining of my uterus is really, really, really, really, really thick. The OB/GYN said that if normal lining was like Berber carpet or plush carpet, mine was a shag rug! So, naturally she wanted to do a epidemial (uterus) biopsy. I hear biopsy and freak. Tom's biopsy was painful, awful and invasive. She talked me through the procedure. She would could reschedule and knock me out but in the end I decided it was better to know sooner. She said she had done 3 that day. They need to examine the cells for cancer, which is a possibility. It was very uncomfortable, and when she was sucking and scraping out the lining it felt like the most intense cramp ever, ever, ever. It's done and that's good.

, My OB/GYN feels that progesterone is going to be the best course of treatment. I'm not crazy about this idea but my through the roof estrogen levels have to be brought under control. I was hoping to rule out anything bad and just let my cycle do what it does. My high estrogen levels put me at risk for several types of cancer. I'm simply not producing enough progesterone to keep the estrogen in check.

The cancer thing is of course scary. It's not likely but possible. However, they don't test if it isn't possible. The insurance won't pay. I'm anxious for the results. I called my mother. I told her about the whole ordeal. When I mentioned the C-word she said, "Well, I don't accept that".

Neither do I.

Thank you, momma.

Schedules Suck

I got a letter from my doctor's office with lab results. It would seem that I am anemic. The fun part is that I have to take iron supplements. I have to take them 2x a day 30 minutes before eating. My #1 struggle is with scheduling my life. I started keeping a log in late September because I mistakenly took the wrong drug. This doubled me up on that drug which caused problems. My life is full of these mistakes plus common sense stuff I can't get a handle on. The older I get the more neccessary a schedule becomes. I don't mean get up, go to work, come home. I mean all the stuff before, in between and directly after. Left to myself I would probably get tons of stuff started but nothing finished. With a few happy exceptions I don't seem to work on anything but the schedule. That can't be right. Right?

Fun with Drugs

Tuesday night I made an error with a medication. For my convenience my doctor had changed the size in milligrams of one of my pills. She told me this but 4 weeks later I had forgotten.(I had put the new script on hold). When I took my nightly meds I took 450mg instead of 300mg. The effect was immediate and rather negative. Thankfully she and I figured this problem out yesterday. This morning I feel much better. The drugs I take are mood stabilizers, they help me to have more appropriate reactions to my environment. These are common and highly effective bipolar meds. Appropriate doses help me avoid overreactions. Too much medicine and I'm likely to simply not give a shit about anything. I woke up this morning realizing that the things I didn't care about yesterday are impacting me today. I think I'm still on a little bit too much but I will have to document the problems over the next month. I keep a detailed log of everything I experience and summarize each week. It is beginning to paint a picture of the effects both good and bad. There is some good news. My insomnia is under much better control. The rush of thoughts through my mind which had been keeping me awake night after night are gone. I am still having trouble being an active participant in my own life. This is why I think I am on a bit too much. My experience with 150mg difference stands out. Once the meds are in the system and working, small shifts make big difference. I hope me and my doctor can find the perfect brew of pills.

Toasting 11 Happy Years

We celebrated our 11th Anniversary this October. We treated ourselves to several (15 so far) winerys in the Texas Hill Country. We suggest it to everyone! It was delightful! A friend of Tom's sister introduced us to the idea of touring vineyards. She planned an all day event which included a hill country winery. We have been talking about doing this ever since. I am a real novice to wine tasting. It took quite a bit of practice (I really didn't mind) to detect the variety of flavors and scents or even understand the lingo. Fortunately there are several winerys run by Texas folks who spoke 'plain English'. I am proud to say I detected the aroma of oak, pecan and juniper! I actually tasted mint! All in all a great pair of weekends and we still have 5 winerys to go! Tom's had such a good time he's taking about growing native grapes! The next time you see us we may have a bottle to share!

Silliest Dog Ever

This dog and I played and played and played in this pool. Earlier we had one of those big beach balls, it lasted about 30 minutes before *pop* her nails got it. She loves soccer, she doesn't care if her ball isn't regulation. I throw she brings it back. She has incredible control over the ball. It is wild watching her manipulate it, making it go where she wants. Back to me so I can throw it in the pool ~splash~, then here she comes >vv< She is so much fun. We had to replace the pool you see here. I drain and turn it over to dry. I don't want to breed mosquitos. I fogot to lock it up in the run we don't use anymore. So she chewed a hole it in, punishing it for it's lack of water! We bought an even bigger pool and I can get into my bathing suit and lounge with my doggie. Great fun! This is the genuine article water dog! I'm gonna need to get her a life jacket when for when we venture beyond the backyard!

You want me to do what with MY dog?

I have a bit of (apparently) *earth shattering* news. Dogs are predators. They belong to entire group of mammals called carnivores that eat other beasties for a living. The biggest clue to this stunning new information would be their canines (usually large often pointy teeth). Let me give you a moment to catch your breath, I know that bit of information can be overwhelming.

I have shared my living space with a lot of dogs. I love dogs. I have been called on to do temperament evaluation and training for Boxer rescue. I have volunteered as a trainer at Town Lake Animal. There are dogs that should and need to be destroyed because they have unprovoked seriously injured or killed a person. Seen 'em up close. It's always sad and usually the fault of a cruel or stupid human. The point I'm getting to is that if I lived with a dog for say a year or so I'd probably catch on (quickly) if they were a danger and act accordingly. That means I would take them to my vet and have the animal humanely destroyed before anyone else could get hurt. I say anyone else because in all likelyhood I would be the first someone to get hurt. To date I have never had a dog in my home that I felt was a genuine human threat.

I have a dog for adoption that will be the only dog in the home where ever she is placed mostly because she would be happiest that way. I have had her around children, cats, other dogs and adults. She is perfectly safe. She is in no way to be trusted around poultry which brings me to my bitch. I go on a lot of home visits, I met people and invariably learn things about *my dog* I would not otherwise know. I stress that she is my dog because until I relinquish ownership that is exactly what she is. I have not raised her from a puppy, there are unknowns. I took my dog on a home visit to the country. She got along with his very large farm dog. Everything went fine for 2 hours we decided to give a weeks trial. As we were leaving both dogs chased and played with the man's turkey and it died.

I sent the man a check for $50.00 to cover the expense of the lost turkey.

2 weeks later I received a very cordial letter that contained an earnest plea that I destroy my dog as a dangerous animal.

Lets review the facts:

1. Monkey is a dog.
2. Dogs are by nature predatory animals
3. This is her only act of predatory behavior that I know of
4. I've had her over a year
5. Whatever she did, she didn't do it alone
6. Turkeys are prey animals

I am not destroying my dog. I don't quite understand his thinking but the whole experience has been a bit surreal.

Hubby

Hubby has had to cope with some sort of health problem or the other. None have been minor. All scary. It's the moments before you know what you are actually dealing with that are the most frightening. We have gotten lucky once or twice and had an over zealous doctor (a good thing) test for the outer limits. I think that is what is going on now. I'm still scared and I'm not good talking about it. Fortunately I have a lot on my plate so I can usually avoid thinking too much. He can't and I cannot begin to imagine how terrified he is. It's not fair that someone so sweet should have to deal with this sort of crap when he hasn't even hit 40. It's the unfairness that really eats at him. There is never anything I can say except 'I am here with you'.

{crazy} pile of dogs?

Four dogs were crazy. Three were at least mental. Two? What is two? Safe and Sane Pile of Dogs?

Tizzy Goes Home!

A dog of a friend has been boarding with us. She came with a few health issues, I believe my friend got bad advice from her New Mexico vet. She has been with us 2 months but I really think she goes home a healthier dog and that her mom now knows she has hip dysplasia and not some foreign body in her foot. She can begin treatment now that will extend the usefulness of her hips for many years. She will live many years pain free with the real diagnosis. Hip dysplasia is horrible but it isn't a death sentence. I sent her links and advice. I am glad she came here, Tom and I are good at spotting problems when they're early. I'm also glad she is going home. We addressed her bronchitis, she is eating better and feeling friskier. I am also glad because I was ready for her to go home. She has a good home and it was time for her to go there.

Angel Found Her Heaven

Meet Angel. Angel is one of two dogs that has been in foster care in our home. When she came to us she had an ugly and cruel injury probably caused by wire that was used as a collar from the time she was a puppy. As she grew this wire collar cut into her neck until I guess she broke free. I will never know what really happened to her. During her recovery we were assisted by Spindletop Pitbull Refuge to whom I will be eternally grateful. Angel's personality is that of a super happy, always ready to play or love, incredibly affectionate and incredibly stable. The only sign of abuse we noted was her tendancy to shy away at sudden movements over her head. I have no doubt that she had been hit, possibly beaten. With every right to hate people she has shown only love and sweetness. Well, I have great news! After reviewing countless applications, going on a number of home visits we finally found a home with an amazing man. He is a very visible member of the Austin community who has been the publisher/CEO of a progressive activist newspaper. Everyone we interviewed spoke of his impeccable character and integrity. When she met him it was as if she had been there her whole life. While we expect some normal transition behavior it was on the whole a natural almost seamless fit. Angel has truly found her heaven. Our adoption website can be found at www.freewebs.com/teuton_kennel