Technicolor Crazy

Well, I'm manic.


Manic, manic, manic.

I used to have a very mean friend, I didn't know she was mean until it was too late. Because Tom is a solid citizen who doesn't throw his life away on a whim she called him 'beige'. Bitch. When I start to go manic he seems to remember her description of him. Horrible soul sucking cunt. I told him he was in no way beige and that when I go manic everyone looks beige next to my technicolor crazy. Personally I think he is more of a sunny yellow.

I have been manic for the last few weeks. There are good and bad things about having long cycles the way I do. When I feel good it lasts quite awhile however when I feel depressed that lasts awhile too.

The week before my friends baby shower I could feel it coming on. The week after the baby shower it was in full swing. The music got turned up really loud and my house got really clean.

Unfortunately the darker side of manic showed its lovely face. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it clued me in to what was going on. The doctor increased my meds.

I started the weekend feeling expansive and gregarious. Determined to set things right I worked at mending my ways. This involved being nice to someone I usually am not. It was really easy. Being a bitch takes so much more effort. Things started to turn for me mood wise later that afternoon. I was really edgy and restless. I had attended a funeral that day which may have served as a trigger event for the change in mood.

Then this week I became engrossed in a book that I was compelled to read and reread every day. I was extremely irritable, I didn't like anybody and my patience was non-existent. It was still manic but it was more OCD like.

I am happy to say that today I am back to expansive and gregarious. I am once again climbing. The music is loud, the house is clean. I feel awesome! The trigger event for this was my move over to TXDOT. I physically moved my location. I felt so wonderful! When Tom came home his rather grumpy wife had transformed into someone sweet and playful. He found me to be VERY entertaining! Another indication of climbing manic.

Tonite I am going to blow off some steam with a friend. We're going hang out around Red River and listen to some live music. I can get bored really easy when I'm manic because I constantly want to be doing something. Its an edgy kind of bored that can lead to me getting into mischief or worse. Having planned fun is a good way to siphon some of that off. The only problem is that my definition of fun differs from Tom, so I'm taking my friend Celeste. In his defense I can be very hard to keep up with when I'm determined to have 'my' kind of fun. I truly hope Celeste doesn't end up feeling dragged around. Tom will be out of town for the weekend which means I can get in late without causing him to worry. I will miss him and I might see another mood shift due to his absence. The good thing of course is being prepared for it.

My new work location is very close to Ladybird Lake. I used to walk around the lake several times a week. I lost 75 pounds doing a 45 minute walk a few times a week. I loved it too! I could feel my spirit replenish each time. I am going to start that up again beginning next week. I am really looking forward to it!

There are some things I will need to keep an eye on. When I used to go walking with such regularity the weight I lost helped push a very long period of manic. I would lose weight and feel phenomenal! I will need to keep an eye on my spending on clothing. Its usually the first irresponsible indulgence. I will need to be mindful of my tendency to use drugs during manic episodes. I can 'feel' that I am at the beginning of a long manic episode. To be honest, I'm just getting warmed up. Given the option I'd really rather be manic but it can be just as destructive as depression. I think its a very good sign that I've got my eyes open this time.

My New Attitude

Hello again, I know it's been awhile.

I am so happy!

I went to my BF's baby shower yesterday. A whole bunch of my former co-worker's were there. They all had complaints about work, very similar to the ones I used to have. Used to. Very nice couple of words they are.

There were also a couple of former co-workers who, like me, have moved on to greener pastures. Very green in fact. The three of us compared our new jobs to the old ones. Each of us were so amazed to be in jobs where we were treated like adults. Adults!

Finally, one of my former co-workers who is still stuck in hell said, "look, we're all really happy for you, now could you shut the hell up!" Hee hee hee!

I was at my MIL's house Friday night. I walked in and my BIL looked at me and said, "have you lost weight?" I don't know that I have, SIL said that I looked really happy and that happiness can do amazing things (paraphrased).

Apart from being treated with dignity and respect my new job is interesting and exciting as well. When I was first transferred over they started me out doing fairly simple clerical work. I am still working for the state but one agency is taking over the bureau I am currently still in. In this transition period they are creating two new branches and they are using all the same people but they are putting some into newly created positions. I took an aptitude test and have one of the highest scores! I also went over to the new agency's location and 'shadowed' a couple of people who have been moved over. I asked a lot of questions because I really wanted to get a feel for the new jobs being offered. This is exactly what I was supposed to do and was overheard by the Project Manager. When she told me what my new position would she told me she had listened in. She said my questions were "very thought provoking". Me! I am of course waiting for them to figure out I'm not as smart as they first thought.

I am tabling my self doubts as best I can. I am moving forward with the attitude of 'I can do this'. It's very new territory for me.

I almost forgot, my new job is called Use Case/Testing. I will be managing bugs in the system from the point of view of the user. With the rest of the team we will write out (with diagrams!) exactly what the functional requirements of fixes and new business rules are. The technical team will create the software and then we will conduct tests on it. Pretty awesome, I think!

There is one little worry in the back of my mind and that has to do with Manic. Sometimes new happy good things like this can push manic. I am keeping my eye on it. Tom and I talked about this just last night. We are going to plan some fun activities to help me let off some steam. I've got my fingers crossed for loud music and dancing!