Manic Managed

I think I'm beginning to understand how my bipolar medicine controls manic. I have started to climb a couple of times but then I seem to level back down to a nice 'normal'. It's a pattern I've noticed. I start to fly, then I'm grumpy and edgy with some OCD like symptoms and then I'm back to something nice and normal. I spend most of my time in the normal zone. I've spent so much time depressed over the last few years that I don't believe I recognised normal for what it was. In between the flying and the grumpy/edgy is a whole lot of normal. It's nice.

The grumpy/edgy isn't much fun but if I'm not around people too much all is well. It doesn't last long and is something I can live with.

I would still love to just let myself fly but I really like this normal me. My thoughts of going off medication aren't nearly as intense as they were. I've only thought about it once this week. That's definitely progress.

I love the new location at work! I am learning the job and liking it immensely. My boss is a consultant to TXDOT, she is a project manager and she is awesome! My only regret is that at some point she will be replaced by a state employee. I don't think that this will necessarily be a bad thing. TXDOT is not TXDPS, while they are both state agencies they are unrecognizable to one another. I love the atmosphere at work. It's so professional there.

Tuesday was my first day at the new location. I have traded my at most 10 minute commute to work for a 45 minute commute to work. The 10 minute commute was the only good thing about working for TXDPS so it is soooo worth the drive! The real treat for me about the physical location of my job is it's proximity to Zilker Park and the hike and bike trails. I started my new job bringing clothes to change into so I could walk around the lake after work. I didn't get to do that on Tuesday because of the rain but I did on Wednesday and Thursday. On Friday our whole team went back to TXDPS for one day to help out so I didn't get to walk on Friday either.

I need to say this: I love the hike and bike trails! I managed to lose 75 pounds just walking around the lake a few times a week. For whatever reason I cannot get excited by exercise for its own sake. I can get excited about emersing myself into nature that happens to coincide with exercise. I have started out by doing 20 minutes a day and I plan to work that up to an hour. I felt so renewed each time.

My walks around the lake have always been a time for me to connect with my creator. It's really profound for me, I believe my experience is similar to what other people get by going to church, or temple, or what-have-you. I realized how much I missed that connection last week.

I keep saying this but I need to say it again. I am so happy! I couldn't say that for so long and now that I can, well, I just can't say it enough!

Family

It was so good getting to talk to Tom last night after he got home. I told him how I was feeling about my medication. He was worried but glad I was communicating. I am feeling far less angry than I was and I think I've headed off a week of grumpiness. Today we are going to fix my tattoo! Hurray!

His trip went well albeit rather depressing. His mother isn't doing well and has been compeltely abandoned by her other son, Tom's half-brother. She admitted with rue that he was exactly as she had raised him to be only now she is feeling the effects of his disregard for others. I think it is at the same time gratifying and saddening that he is the 'good son'. His mother's heart is broken by his half-brothers absence. The selfish bastard won't even return her phone calls. I am glad that Tom was raised by his dad and step-mom (who is more mom than his mother could ever hope to be). The feeling I have gotten when around his mother and step-brother has always been less familial and more obligatory. Nothing could be further from how it feels around his mom, sister and her family. You know you're among family because it feels like it is supposed to feel.

Flametrick Subs

Last night I went to see my favorite local band the Flametrick Subs. They were playing at my least favorite bar Beerland. Once they started playing however I completely forgot where I was. I love them that much!


My evening had started out at Mohawk, I was hoping to catch 'I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness' but I honestly couldn't listen to whatever exceedingly boring band that came on first. The last time I frequented Red River I had tried to catch them without success. I'd heard they were good and I just love the name!


I passed the time before the Subs went on looking at potential tattoos at True Blue. I know exactly which tattoo I want next. I have a tiny botched ladybug on my upper calf. At the time I got it I had a group of girlfriends, we called ourselves the Ladybug Club, I know, I know.... We each have a ladybug tattoo. We chose which ladybug and where to put it, even what color it should be. Anyway it is smaller than my pinky nail and shouldn't be difficult to incorporate into a larger ladybug. I still want the tattoo to be a ladybug. It seems wrong to me to cover up the original intent of the tattoo. I had a lot of fun with those girls until the whole thing simply exploded. Thinking about the girls reminds of just how long my last manic episode lasted. I think when Tom gets home he and I need to go and get that tattoo fixed. It wouldn't be a true manic episode without a commemorative tattoo.

I seriously considered going to play pool while waiting for the Subs. Odd considering I normally don't understand why anyone would want to play pool in the first place. For some reason knowing how to play pool sounds really, really fun. Would all my impulses be so innocuous.

Anyway, got to Beerland just before the Subs went on and was having a really good time until I started to feel the effects of one of my bi-polar drugs. Goddammit I hate having to take medication all the time. I ended up leaving way before their set was done absolutely fuming over the need to take medication at all.

It is during periods of manic that people tend to quit taking meds and I can tell you exactly why. I was so angry yesterday and knowing why I got those side affects make it difficult to want to put myself through it again. I felt tremendous last night. Right now I can barely remember what it felt like at the low point of my last depression. The reasons for taking medication are so much clearer when I am in a down swing. I am so pissed off being chained to something that isn't making sense right now. If I feel this good, am operating this capably why I on earth do I need to take meds in the first fucking place? I know better and yet I find myself sorely tempted. It isn't just losing the side effects either. Ever since I realized that I was manic the old and familiar thought 'just stop taking them, see what happens' comes along. Crazy, right? I know it doesn't make sense for a whole host of reasons the scariest being the current regimen of medication which is working so nicely right now probably wouldn't work anymore if I went off and then back on again when things got dire. A very close second is contemplating the mess I could create by being off meds. Its easy to talk myself away from that one with 'it'll be different this time, I just know it'.

I am glad that I am thinking and not just feeling. The temptation isn't going to go away. I went almost completely off my Lithium last time. I'm pretty sure I haven't admitted that before now. What resulted was a need for so much Lithium in response that it caused enough side effects to require a whole new regimen. By that time I was in the middle of a down swing and having to take a drug that was hurting me in addition to not working well was misery. If I weren't writing about this right now I probably wouldn't have remembered that.

I'm still pissed off that I have to take meds. I'm really pissed off that the meds interrupted a fun night. I'm irritated that I can't let myself feel as good as I know I could.

The next time I go out I will wait until I get home to take my meds. Friday nights I often take my meds later than ideal. Technically I'm supposed to take them the same time everday. If I take them really late I always feel a bit giddy which serves as a reminder to take them. I really don't see the harm in allowing myself to feel a little giddy while out having fun. I will feel the side effects of the medication later into the following day but who really cares? The less pissed I am about all this the easier it is stay on meds. The fewer opportunities to question the needs for meds at all, the better. I am trying to chalk last night up to 'live and learn'.

Tom is coming home tonight and I'm looking forward to venting with him. I miss him combined with last nights misadventure is probably going to lead to another week of grumpy Miss Me.

At least I can see these things coming, that combined with the fact I once again am rereading that same stupid book for like the twentieth time. I don't have OCD I just approximate aspects of it when manic.

So in closing...pool and tattoos will soon be in my future. Getting a tattoo makes me happy especially when I picture my mother's face if she ever found out I've got one.