Manic Managed

I think I'm beginning to understand how my bipolar medicine controls manic. I have started to climb a couple of times but then I seem to level back down to a nice 'normal'. It's a pattern I've noticed. I start to fly, then I'm grumpy and edgy with some OCD like symptoms and then I'm back to something nice and normal. I spend most of my time in the normal zone. I've spent so much time depressed over the last few years that I don't believe I recognised normal for what it was. In between the flying and the grumpy/edgy is a whole lot of normal. It's nice.

The grumpy/edgy isn't much fun but if I'm not around people too much all is well. It doesn't last long and is something I can live with.

I would still love to just let myself fly but I really like this normal me. My thoughts of going off medication aren't nearly as intense as they were. I've only thought about it once this week. That's definitely progress.

I love the new location at work! I am learning the job and liking it immensely. My boss is a consultant to TXDOT, she is a project manager and she is awesome! My only regret is that at some point she will be replaced by a state employee. I don't think that this will necessarily be a bad thing. TXDOT is not TXDPS, while they are both state agencies they are unrecognizable to one another. I love the atmosphere at work. It's so professional there.

Tuesday was my first day at the new location. I have traded my at most 10 minute commute to work for a 45 minute commute to work. The 10 minute commute was the only good thing about working for TXDPS so it is soooo worth the drive! The real treat for me about the physical location of my job is it's proximity to Zilker Park and the hike and bike trails. I started my new job bringing clothes to change into so I could walk around the lake after work. I didn't get to do that on Tuesday because of the rain but I did on Wednesday and Thursday. On Friday our whole team went back to TXDPS for one day to help out so I didn't get to walk on Friday either.

I need to say this: I love the hike and bike trails! I managed to lose 75 pounds just walking around the lake a few times a week. For whatever reason I cannot get excited by exercise for its own sake. I can get excited about emersing myself into nature that happens to coincide with exercise. I have started out by doing 20 minutes a day and I plan to work that up to an hour. I felt so renewed each time.

My walks around the lake have always been a time for me to connect with my creator. It's really profound for me, I believe my experience is similar to what other people get by going to church, or temple, or what-have-you. I realized how much I missed that connection last week.

I keep saying this but I need to say it again. I am so happy! I couldn't say that for so long and now that I can, well, I just can't say it enough!

Family

It was so good getting to talk to Tom last night after he got home. I told him how I was feeling about my medication. He was worried but glad I was communicating. I am feeling far less angry than I was and I think I've headed off a week of grumpiness. Today we are going to fix my tattoo! Hurray!

His trip went well albeit rather depressing. His mother isn't doing well and has been compeltely abandoned by her other son, Tom's half-brother. She admitted with rue that he was exactly as she had raised him to be only now she is feeling the effects of his disregard for others. I think it is at the same time gratifying and saddening that he is the 'good son'. His mother's heart is broken by his half-brothers absence. The selfish bastard won't even return her phone calls. I am glad that Tom was raised by his dad and step-mom (who is more mom than his mother could ever hope to be). The feeling I have gotten when around his mother and step-brother has always been less familial and more obligatory. Nothing could be further from how it feels around his mom, sister and her family. You know you're among family because it feels like it is supposed to feel.

Flametrick Subs

Last night I went to see my favorite local band the Flametrick Subs. They were playing at my least favorite bar Beerland. Once they started playing however I completely forgot where I was. I love them that much!


My evening had started out at Mohawk, I was hoping to catch 'I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness' but I honestly couldn't listen to whatever exceedingly boring band that came on first. The last time I frequented Red River I had tried to catch them without success. I'd heard they were good and I just love the name!


I passed the time before the Subs went on looking at potential tattoos at True Blue. I know exactly which tattoo I want next. I have a tiny botched ladybug on my upper calf. At the time I got it I had a group of girlfriends, we called ourselves the Ladybug Club, I know, I know.... We each have a ladybug tattoo. We chose which ladybug and where to put it, even what color it should be. Anyway it is smaller than my pinky nail and shouldn't be difficult to incorporate into a larger ladybug. I still want the tattoo to be a ladybug. It seems wrong to me to cover up the original intent of the tattoo. I had a lot of fun with those girls until the whole thing simply exploded. Thinking about the girls reminds of just how long my last manic episode lasted. I think when Tom gets home he and I need to go and get that tattoo fixed. It wouldn't be a true manic episode without a commemorative tattoo.

I seriously considered going to play pool while waiting for the Subs. Odd considering I normally don't understand why anyone would want to play pool in the first place. For some reason knowing how to play pool sounds really, really fun. Would all my impulses be so innocuous.

Anyway, got to Beerland just before the Subs went on and was having a really good time until I started to feel the effects of one of my bi-polar drugs. Goddammit I hate having to take medication all the time. I ended up leaving way before their set was done absolutely fuming over the need to take medication at all.

It is during periods of manic that people tend to quit taking meds and I can tell you exactly why. I was so angry yesterday and knowing why I got those side affects make it difficult to want to put myself through it again. I felt tremendous last night. Right now I can barely remember what it felt like at the low point of my last depression. The reasons for taking medication are so much clearer when I am in a down swing. I am so pissed off being chained to something that isn't making sense right now. If I feel this good, am operating this capably why I on earth do I need to take meds in the first fucking place? I know better and yet I find myself sorely tempted. It isn't just losing the side effects either. Ever since I realized that I was manic the old and familiar thought 'just stop taking them, see what happens' comes along. Crazy, right? I know it doesn't make sense for a whole host of reasons the scariest being the current regimen of medication which is working so nicely right now probably wouldn't work anymore if I went off and then back on again when things got dire. A very close second is contemplating the mess I could create by being off meds. Its easy to talk myself away from that one with 'it'll be different this time, I just know it'.

I am glad that I am thinking and not just feeling. The temptation isn't going to go away. I went almost completely off my Lithium last time. I'm pretty sure I haven't admitted that before now. What resulted was a need for so much Lithium in response that it caused enough side effects to require a whole new regimen. By that time I was in the middle of a down swing and having to take a drug that was hurting me in addition to not working well was misery. If I weren't writing about this right now I probably wouldn't have remembered that.

I'm still pissed off that I have to take meds. I'm really pissed off that the meds interrupted a fun night. I'm irritated that I can't let myself feel as good as I know I could.

The next time I go out I will wait until I get home to take my meds. Friday nights I often take my meds later than ideal. Technically I'm supposed to take them the same time everday. If I take them really late I always feel a bit giddy which serves as a reminder to take them. I really don't see the harm in allowing myself to feel a little giddy while out having fun. I will feel the side effects of the medication later into the following day but who really cares? The less pissed I am about all this the easier it is stay on meds. The fewer opportunities to question the needs for meds at all, the better. I am trying to chalk last night up to 'live and learn'.

Tom is coming home tonight and I'm looking forward to venting with him. I miss him combined with last nights misadventure is probably going to lead to another week of grumpy Miss Me.

At least I can see these things coming, that combined with the fact I once again am rereading that same stupid book for like the twentieth time. I don't have OCD I just approximate aspects of it when manic.

So in closing...pool and tattoos will soon be in my future. Getting a tattoo makes me happy especially when I picture my mother's face if she ever found out I've got one.

Technicolor Crazy

Well, I'm manic.


Manic, manic, manic.

I used to have a very mean friend, I didn't know she was mean until it was too late. Because Tom is a solid citizen who doesn't throw his life away on a whim she called him 'beige'. Bitch. When I start to go manic he seems to remember her description of him. Horrible soul sucking cunt. I told him he was in no way beige and that when I go manic everyone looks beige next to my technicolor crazy. Personally I think he is more of a sunny yellow.

I have been manic for the last few weeks. There are good and bad things about having long cycles the way I do. When I feel good it lasts quite awhile however when I feel depressed that lasts awhile too.

The week before my friends baby shower I could feel it coming on. The week after the baby shower it was in full swing. The music got turned up really loud and my house got really clean.

Unfortunately the darker side of manic showed its lovely face. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it clued me in to what was going on. The doctor increased my meds.

I started the weekend feeling expansive and gregarious. Determined to set things right I worked at mending my ways. This involved being nice to someone I usually am not. It was really easy. Being a bitch takes so much more effort. Things started to turn for me mood wise later that afternoon. I was really edgy and restless. I had attended a funeral that day which may have served as a trigger event for the change in mood.

Then this week I became engrossed in a book that I was compelled to read and reread every day. I was extremely irritable, I didn't like anybody and my patience was non-existent. It was still manic but it was more OCD like.

I am happy to say that today I am back to expansive and gregarious. I am once again climbing. The music is loud, the house is clean. I feel awesome! The trigger event for this was my move over to TXDOT. I physically moved my location. I felt so wonderful! When Tom came home his rather grumpy wife had transformed into someone sweet and playful. He found me to be VERY entertaining! Another indication of climbing manic.

Tonite I am going to blow off some steam with a friend. We're going hang out around Red River and listen to some live music. I can get bored really easy when I'm manic because I constantly want to be doing something. Its an edgy kind of bored that can lead to me getting into mischief or worse. Having planned fun is a good way to siphon some of that off. The only problem is that my definition of fun differs from Tom, so I'm taking my friend Celeste. In his defense I can be very hard to keep up with when I'm determined to have 'my' kind of fun. I truly hope Celeste doesn't end up feeling dragged around. Tom will be out of town for the weekend which means I can get in late without causing him to worry. I will miss him and I might see another mood shift due to his absence. The good thing of course is being prepared for it.

My new work location is very close to Ladybird Lake. I used to walk around the lake several times a week. I lost 75 pounds doing a 45 minute walk a few times a week. I loved it too! I could feel my spirit replenish each time. I am going to start that up again beginning next week. I am really looking forward to it!

There are some things I will need to keep an eye on. When I used to go walking with such regularity the weight I lost helped push a very long period of manic. I would lose weight and feel phenomenal! I will need to keep an eye on my spending on clothing. Its usually the first irresponsible indulgence. I will need to be mindful of my tendency to use drugs during manic episodes. I can 'feel' that I am at the beginning of a long manic episode. To be honest, I'm just getting warmed up. Given the option I'd really rather be manic but it can be just as destructive as depression. I think its a very good sign that I've got my eyes open this time.

My New Attitude

Hello again, I know it's been awhile.

I am so happy!

I went to my BF's baby shower yesterday. A whole bunch of my former co-worker's were there. They all had complaints about work, very similar to the ones I used to have. Used to. Very nice couple of words they are.

There were also a couple of former co-workers who, like me, have moved on to greener pastures. Very green in fact. The three of us compared our new jobs to the old ones. Each of us were so amazed to be in jobs where we were treated like adults. Adults!

Finally, one of my former co-workers who is still stuck in hell said, "look, we're all really happy for you, now could you shut the hell up!" Hee hee hee!

I was at my MIL's house Friday night. I walked in and my BIL looked at me and said, "have you lost weight?" I don't know that I have, SIL said that I looked really happy and that happiness can do amazing things (paraphrased).

Apart from being treated with dignity and respect my new job is interesting and exciting as well. When I was first transferred over they started me out doing fairly simple clerical work. I am still working for the state but one agency is taking over the bureau I am currently still in. In this transition period they are creating two new branches and they are using all the same people but they are putting some into newly created positions. I took an aptitude test and have one of the highest scores! I also went over to the new agency's location and 'shadowed' a couple of people who have been moved over. I asked a lot of questions because I really wanted to get a feel for the new jobs being offered. This is exactly what I was supposed to do and was overheard by the Project Manager. When she told me what my new position would she told me she had listened in. She said my questions were "very thought provoking". Me! I am of course waiting for them to figure out I'm not as smart as they first thought.

I am tabling my self doubts as best I can. I am moving forward with the attitude of 'I can do this'. It's very new territory for me.

I almost forgot, my new job is called Use Case/Testing. I will be managing bugs in the system from the point of view of the user. With the rest of the team we will write out (with diagrams!) exactly what the functional requirements of fixes and new business rules are. The technical team will create the software and then we will conduct tests on it. Pretty awesome, I think!

There is one little worry in the back of my mind and that has to do with Manic. Sometimes new happy good things like this can push manic. I am keeping my eye on it. Tom and I talked about this just last night. We are going to plan some fun activities to help me let off some steam. I've got my fingers crossed for loud music and dancing!

My New Window On The World

Can't Sleep

Today, at 8:15am, I find out what the Colonel's offer is at general counsel. I have no idea what this means. I was really afraid that they would offer me my job back. Really, really afraid. It seems ridiculous now, so what if they offer me my job back. I don't have to take it. I could offer my resignation in return. Why did that not seem logical? I don't know. I only know that if the thought, the very idea of returning causes such terror in me then I don't belong there. Despite knowing all of this, that I have an answer I am still experiencing some anxiety. I am having trouble relaxing enough to sleep. This will probably be a no sleep night. I have decided that some side affects of Lunesta are bad enough to never take it again so it is strictly sleep hygiene for this girl. A good decision I feel.

I am very bad at clearly conveying my feelings. I hold so much so close that even those who love me and who are there to stand with me often don't know what I am experiencing. I have trouble with vulnerability. I have what would probably be called rigid boundaries. High walls to climb. These are coping mechanisms and they are there for good reason but they aren't serving me so well anymore. It's long past time to start letting people in. You might think from this blog that I already do but even this perceived permission to see inside is just another wall. If it is in the blog then I don't have to talk about it. I don't have to cry with family and friends even when I really, really need to. I have done such a good job of shutting people out that I have chased off or deliberately cut out most of my best friends. As awkward as being vulnerable is, it really is ok to feel and to feel with others. Time will tell if knowing this and putting it into practise will equal the same thing. I have started and I am trying. Saturday I cried all night with my very best friend. My god did it ever help.

How It Went

I walk into the director's office and shake hands with Colonel Tommy Davis, assistant director David McEathron and chief of administration Burton Christian and then I sit down.

Thank you for seeing me

Here is the letter from my doctor directing
me not to work 30 days while I underwent treatment and medication adjustment.

I hand him the letter.

I presented this letter to my immediate supervisor who was aware I had exhausted
my Family Medical Leave.

I expected and was prepared for him to ask me why all my FMLA was exhausted but he didn't ask.

While I was out I followed the procedure of calling in everyday as requested
by my immediate supervisor.

When I returned to work I did so with written notification from my
doctor.

The treatment and new medication regimen were successful. I have never felt
so well as I do now, any work issues prior to this have been resolved.

I expected and was prepared for him to ask me what the work issues were but he didn't ask.

This letter reconfirms that my doctor took me off work for treatment and
medication adjustment.

I hand him the second letter.

In this letter my doctor offers to speak with you regarding my situation.

I am a good employee and have done my job very well with high production and low
errors for 8 years. I am proud to work for law enforcement, I believe we do good
and important work here.

He asked me if I had been counseled since my return to work. I said 'no, sir'. He asked me if I had missed any work since returning, I told him the only time I had missed was for doctor's appointments. He asked me how many doctor appointments a month did I have. I told him I saw one doctor once a month and the other doctor biweekly.

Then he asked me what purpose would it serve having me returned to work. Aha! I had planned for this question.

I am an experienced fingerprint technician. As I understand it my section needs
to hire 4 new fingerprint technicians as it is. I am already trained and ready
to work.

Then he asked me what would I do [with me] if I were in his shoes. I told him I don't believe I would fire me, I said I would probably demote me. He sort of laughed and said, "demote you to what?" I told him I was a Fingerprint Technician II and that I could be demoted to a Fingerprint Technician I. If he is leaning toward keeping me, which I believe he is, it gives him a very convenient punishment. By asking me what would I do he gave me the opportunity for a very smart (I think) answer. It is a solution that allows him to take some sort of action, which he probably has to, while still allowing me to keep my job.

I believe he is leaning toward keeping me because as my meeting with him came to a close he mentioned that his secretary told him my doctor wished to speak with him. I said yes, she offers to speak with you in the second letter. He left me with the impression that he does in fact intend to call my doctor. Probably a good sign.

My meeting with these men left me with the distinct impression that these are good people. I may or may not get my job back but they were more than fair and treated me with dignity and respect.

If he is unconvinced I can still appeal to the Public Safety Commission.

I was nerve wracked about this meeting. The meeting itself wasn't so bad, would that I could work for these guys. Still, isn't it odd that I would fight this hard for something I'm still not sure I want?

The Big Day

Well, tomorrow is my big day. The director of DPS is called the Colonel. Tomorrow I meet with the Colonel.

Saturday we told my parents what had happened. That I was suspended with pay pending my meeting with the Colonel. To my parents any employment outside of state employment is literally unthinkable. My dad was in the army for 22 years after which he retired from the state of Texas. He believes in things he feels he can count on. My suspension for him was a call to arms.

I suffered through a grueling braionstorm session in which we, well I should say he and Tom, mapped out exactly what I would say to this man. I guess my dad felt that a memorized speech would be the best way to go.

Instead I have opted for 3x5 cards, things I plan to say plus answers to likely questions. I hope, I guess, that I have a plan for success.

I have all the requesite letters from my doctor and from the Colonel. I have my dress and shoes laid out. My nails are painted, I even bought hair mousse today.

All this effort for something I'm not even sure I want back.

A Space To Live In

Since being fired, well...not actually fired, I'm on administrative leave with pay pending my meeting with the director of DPS, I have made good use of my time. I am completely finished with painting the living room yellow! It is bright warm and inviting. We moved the entertainment center across the room (which began my all out war against dust and cobwebs), put down a huge cranberry carpet (I'm forcibly reminded of a lemon/raspberry sorbet...which I love!), arranged the furniture and put up the artwork. When you come down the hallway into the living room it looks so warm and inviting. I'm just thrilled with it!

As an added bonus, the lack of slipping and sliding all over the tile floor keeps the girls from playing too rough. I had to yell "OFF!" a few times (they are not allowed to rough house on the couches) and finally gave each a pat on the behind. They are playing nicely and seem to be enjoying the 'new' living room as well.

If an item didn't belong in the living room it was shunted to the dining room table. So, now I am clearing off the table and recleaning the kitchen. Much easier to do since my last war on the kitchen.

The next project will be painting the kitchen. Tom picked out a pastel melon color which compliments both the yellow in the living room and the chocolate brown trim color. Painting the kitchen will involve first scrubbinng the walls to get the (yuck) grease off the walls. I had no idea. When that is done the actual painting will go much easier because I won't be trying to first cover super dark panelling.

Home Depot sent someone out to measure for our new backdoor. The price they came up with was $815.00. We thought that was ridiculous. On Wednesday a guy from Lowes came out, said that he could do it for about half that! Lowes rocks! Home Depot sucks!

I probably should feel fearful or be full of self-abasement over the loss, or potential loss of my job but I'm not. I'm happy and productive. My biggest fear is that of actually getting the job back.

Fired

Well, it's not really a surprise. The 4 weeks I took off to straighten out my meds and go through the AIOP program was just too much, I guess. I am following the appeals process and will keep you posted.

Yellow

I have some really wonderful parents! They drive me a little nutty sometimes, but on the whole they are usually kind and generous people. To help us move out of a house we don't like in a neighborhoood that can be dangerous they have offered to finance the cost of getting the house ready for market. This week I am getting a beautiful new back door with a great big window to let the light in a little. The nice guys from home depot will be coming out this week to measure. The other home improvement that is already done is that we have one wall that used to be ugly, dark panelled wood is now a cheerful pastel yellow! It's hard to be depressed in the company of yellow! YYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

For Serif: The Flying Tree

Tanta loves to tell me this
In a whisper, with a kiss

When you grow up, you will be
A great big girl flying tree

Far to great to be told 'no!'
Where ever you want, you can go

You'll always be where the sun is high
When the moon rises it's time to fly

Across the continents and the sea
No ocean is too deep for thee

As a flying tree you'll freely pass
Never be told 'you're just a lass'

You'll never run from things that scare
You will dance and sing in front of their lair

No fire will burn a flying tree
You'll just take a dip in a cool green sea

Can you see how free you'll be?
Flying 'round this big tree thee!

Free, safe and happy, seeing it all
Tanta tells me this when she comes to call

Yes, this is what she says to me
You'll be a great big girl flying tree
===============================
Anything you desire

Your Tanta

{I reserve the right to treat this as a work in progress}

Copyright Patti Patterson 2007

Good News!

I finally had my meeting with the bureau manager! It went amazingly well! I asked to have my 6 errors during between January and March dismissed. I explained that I had been under a doctor's care and that I was on medication that made me exceptionally drowsy. She agreed! Let me say that again. She agreed! She is still going to hold onto the formal complaint until the temporary disability leave is approved. The reason being is that if it is not approved it comes with it's own consequences. I'm not sure what the consequences for having been out 4 weeks on unapproved leave are but I imagine it could be a dismissal. I am confident that it will be approved. Bipolar is an ADA recognised disability, we filled out the paperwork correctly. If it is disapproved I cannot imagine on what grounds. I believe it will be approved.

The final thing I asked for was a transfer. I said that assuming everything goes my way I would like to be transferred to another section. She said she would see what was open and would infact help me to move!

There is a light at the end 0f the tunnel!

YYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Springtime

I love this month. I went outside to water the plants, take in a little sunshine. While I was watering our little Magnolia tree I saw the biggest ladybug ever. On closer inspection it proved to be two ladybugs doing the watusi! The gentleman ladybug clung for dear life on the back of a very fast moving lady ladybug. As she ran all over the leaves and branches he shook back and forth off her end. I know, I know, this was a very private moment for these two but I couldn't help myself. I just had to take pictures!

Night time

Night time always seems to be the most deeply depressing time for me. What seems to happen is that thoughts come too quickly, often rather morbid thoughts or thoughts that visit the worst time in my life or actions that I am ashamed of. This is a symptom of mania, but the nature of the thoughts can push me into an immediate downswing. I even know what is happening, I can feel it approaching but seem helpless to stop it. I really hate feeling like a victim of my own mind.

Last night I took my night meds 2.5 hours later than usual. This pushed my tightly ordered night time schedule off. Without meds in my blood stream the symptoms just take over.

I'm doing much better now, will check in later.

Morbid thoughts and no sleep

It is 1:53 in the morning and I can't sleep. This has been coming for days. For the past two days I have been taking Tom's head off at the slightest provocation. I hate being back at work and despite all my efforts at meeting with the BM it appears I will be in this position for the time being. This thought makes my head swim. I feel drawn taut over something deep and dark. It feels like any minute it will swallow me whole.

When I've reached my stress limit there are typically two things that happen: 1) Can't sleep 2) Vomit. Both happened tonight. When I finally did lay down death scenes from movies kept replaying in my head. I can't seem to stop it so my only choice is to get up.

Oddly, there is something comforting about this morbidity. Although I have never been 'suicidal' I do spend quite a lot of time pondering death. More than I would ever let on to ordinarily. It is a familiar track, a groove in the road laid down in childhood. I can usually keep it inside but if I have learned anything over the past few weeks it is that not sharing these thoughts can have deadly consequences. The summer after I turned 10 was the first time my mother ever saw it. We were in Germany and I simply could not stop crying. I love Germany, always have but for some reason I wanted to go home. It seems that the minute the plane landed I couldn't stop obsessing about death. My death, her death, every one's death. My mother swore it had something to do with the eruption of Mt. St. Helens just a few weeks before. The usually pleasant and mild German weather during summer gave way to overcast skies, rain and unending heat. I am more likely to be manic than depressed in spring and summer so maybe she is right. I don't know. I just know it is the first time I exhibited major outward signs of being depressed and talking about death.

When I was 8 my mother went away to Germany over the summer by herself. I was left alone with my father. Although it was years later before I understood what had actually transpired, he had introduced me to one of his girlfriends. Brought her around the house. She gave me a bracelet. I just thought she was a friend of his from work. The other thing that stands out is the number of times he beat me. There was no mom to throw herself in between he and I. I have never felt more defenceless or unloved in my whole life.

This is what perplexes me. That horrible summer in Germany I desperately wanted to get home. I knew exactly what would be waiting for me if I did go home and still, at the time, it seemed preferable to me than Germany. I think that is so odd.

The year after that summer, once the school year had ended was when my parents packed me up and sent me to live at a children's home. The year after that, during the summer is when I was raped.

Horrific, tumultuous events have happened during the spring and summer. I just spent the last 4 weeks feeling happier than I have in years. As we move into late spring I am sure that there is something in my brain screaming out warning signs.

My spring and summer manics have had awful consequences. I have put myself in life threatening situations because whatever I was doing seemed well within my control. The depression after this type of manic is always very low.

Do you see a pattern? I think there must be one but I can't see it yet.

I love my husband. I love my dog. I love my niece. I love my parents. I love Tom's family. They all love me right back. And still this black, bleak chasym seems to yawn beneath me. This is one of those times that the effort, the struggle I perceive, doesn't seem worth very much to me.

If I am to be completely honest with myself there is something about death that is appealing to me, comforting even. I don't believe that I really want to be dead, it's just that I am so very unhappy. I am so unhappy and it hit so fast. To be dead would be such a quick way to not be unhappy. This is why anyone commits suicide. It is easier than facing life's realities.

I am not contemplating suicide. Well, I guess I am contemplating it but not in the 'I have a plan' sort of way. If I talk about it I know it won't happen. I have been steeling myself for a manic episode. This really blind sided me. I think I need to call my doctor on Monday and let her know the meds aren't quite doing their job. I need to rethink things. I just feel so trapped, there doesn't seem to be a way out.

This is so politically incorrect but I really think I would be happy if things were simpler for me. I enjoyed working around the house, cooking healthy dinners, domestic stuff. I liked it. I really, really liked it. I don't think I've ever been calmer or at peace with myself and the world. I wish I could alter my life to accomodate this peace and happiness. I think that when I got married this is sort of what I envisioned for myself. Then Tom got sick and now it is an impossibility.

Well, I think that this was a much needed check in. I am going to try to sneak in a couple of hours of sleep before I have to get up and get ready for work.

The first week back is over.

So far today I have had the same person tell me twice how stupid management is. Once they actually nudged me to get me to remove my headphones so that they could impart this priceless piece of negativity. Ok, people. I got it. Been working here for years. Management is dumb. Thanks for the tip. I might have actually missed that.

There was an unpleasant encounter before lunch. I was working with one other person on a specific job. It involves entering fingerprints manually via a scanner into AFIS. AFIS produces a candidate list to be verified or eliminated. There are a limited number of these stations so work is prioritized. This works well if everyone follows the protocol. My co-worker refused to split the top priority work with me. Not only was she nasty about it but it put me in an awkward position and really pissed off the person who needed the results to get the work out. I did the best that I could but refused to be rushed. Between the two of us all the work could have easily been completed. Instead she chose to work on the lowest priority work we have. None of this will reflect back on me but it is frustrating.

The next time I took my headphones off was near the end of the day. I was treated to the most bizarre story. My co-worker's husband's friend was really drunk and had access to power tools. Always a great beginning. He cuts a good slash into his leg and somehow winds up at the veterinarian's office. This occurred in rural Texas so it's really not that big of a stretch. The veterinarian wisely refused to treat this man, so instead of going to a human doctor (again) he stitches the gash together with a staple gun. A staple gun! Fifteen 'stitches' in all. So this friend of her husband's was over for dinner one night telling his story. He asked my co-worker if she wanted to see the scar, she said sure, her husband said no. She says to her husband I've been on ranches all my life I'm sure this isn't something I haven't seen before. I guess weird injuries are common down on the farm. She says to him show me. Does he roll up his pant leg to show her? No, that would have been to easy. He stands up and drops his trousers. At dinner. In front of his friend's wife. I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks.

So it is the end of the first week. My eyes are on fire. They hurt so much. I kept having to wipe my eyes because I'm making so much discharge. I can't believe that I didn't acknowledge how tired my eyes were at the end of the day. No wonder my head has been pounding.

The Bipolar/Depression group was a real let down. The group started out fairly small but as more and more people trickled in the group split into two smaller groups. I picked the unhappy group. I didn't mean to. As person after person fell to pieces in the group I was in I could hear the other group's animated chatter spattered with laughter. I was so jealous.

Today was the day that the new phones came. Tom got us the COOLEST new phones! I'm having fun learning what all it can do!

Back To Work!

I am back at work. I didn't want to go back. Just a few weeks ago when I thought of having to go back I felt desperate and hopeless. I even thought about hurting myself.

You would think that the memory of that place would be burned forever into my mind. In just 4 weeks I forgot how utterly negative my co-workers are. No one smiles, dark looks are continually thrown at management and each other. People look up, whisper, look up again. Who wouldn't become a little paranoid?

Nevertheless, I went in with as positive an attitude as I could muster. I went back that first day dressed and ready to meet with the bureau manager. For the past 4 weeks I have called everyday to see if I could get a meeting with her. This is what I was instructed to do. It's kinda like management has selective short term memory loss. I asked about an appointment each morning. Each morning I was told they would get back with me. The one definite appointment I had was during the morning when they knew I was unavailable. It's not very clever, got old really fast and yet somehow I thought once I was back at work she would have to meet with me. The first two mornings management kept up the pretense that my meeting with her was imminent. By the end of the second day I was told, "she knows you want to meet with her, don't ask anymore". If they are going to fire me I really wish they would just get it over with. I feel like the wildebeast on a nature program being eaten alive by the lions. Just kill me already.

I have given this meeting a lot of thought. My first two weeks off I really didn't know what I would say to this woman. Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't get a meeting right away. It's given me the opportunity to reflect on the last several months and the 6 errors that got me here in the first place. If I ever get to actually meet with her I'm asking to have these errors dismissed. I was on medication that caused extreme drowsiness. My record speaks for itself. These errors not withstanding I have a very low incidence of misverification. My doctor has given them a written statement about the extreme drowsiness this medication causes. This isn't about talent or skill, it's about medication taken under a physicians care.

My first day back wasn't so bad. Actually I felt quite good about myself. I was tested on my ability to read fingerprints, several were really, really hard and I totally aced it! I got the impression from my supervisor that she was impressed.

The second and third days have been harder. I have gotten out of the practice of looking at prints all day. It is unbelievably hard on the eyes. I had no idea. After only three days back I already have a pounding headache. It feels like a 3 year old pounding on my head with a rubber mallet. It's not just the work though. The first day back I was testing all day. I had virtually no contact with my co-workers. If you've ever had a fish tank you'll remember that you aclimate a fish before releasing it into the tank. Yeah, it's like that. I am so glad that I work this weekend. I know that is an odd thing to say. Because I work this weekend I have tomorrow off. I really needed a day away to clear my head.

I am missing group. It was such a supportive place to be in. I have to be my own support system at work and that is really hard. For the 6 next weeks I will be in an after care group that meets on Tuesday evenings. It is specifically for working on the same things you did in group but in more of a real world setting. I am also joining a Bipolar/Depression group that meets on Fridays. It is an ongoing long term group. I really feel the need to continue cognitive therapy with others living with bipolar. I'm not even sure that this group is right for me, but it is a good place and a good time to start.

Bracing

When I called into work this morning I asked my supervisor the questions about the formal complaint and the meeting with the bureau manager.

The formal complaint is on hold because I am on 'unapproved leave'. This is something I still don't quite understand. They have a letter from my doctor stating that I am too be out from 3/22-4/23. For them it means they can't let me work during this time period. Even if I were to go to work they would have to send me home. I have turned in my request for Temporary Disability Leave. When the approval for this comes through will they move forward on the formal complaint? That is a question I will hold off on until I get the approval notification.

My bureau manager agreed to meet with me tomorrow at 10:00am however I am not going to miss group. It is important that I meet with her but it is just as important that I continue with my therapy. I am certain that she can and will find an afternoon appointment for me even if that means delaying it a bit.

Last evening Tom took our foster Angel to her first basic obedience class. They had a really good time and both of them did a really good job! I am so proud of Tom for taking Angel's training on.

Paralyzed

I've had to go by work twice this week and I have to go once more this afternoon. My anxiety level over this has been tremendous.

I think Monday was the worst. I had to go by and pick up my paycheck. I had discussed my anxiety with group on Monday morning. My usual way of dealing with panic has been to either totally avoid whatever was causing it or simply waiting for it to pass. I had no experience preparing myself mentally before hand. The group had a lot of helpful suggestions. In the end though I sat on my couch obsessing on my trip to work, magnifying it beyond anything even remotely probable. I finally pulled myself together at the last possible moment. I called ahead to let management know that I would be showing up. I was met in the lobby. This was a godsend because I felt like I might have a total melt down.

After group on Monday I stopped by my psychiatrist to pick up a completed form. The form is part of the cadre of forms needed to request temporary disability leave. Another part of the request is a memo to the director of DPS stating which type of leave without pay I was requesting and the circumstances creating the need. I could have saved myself a second trip to work by having this memo ready however part of my obsession involved writing about 6 different possible memos. I thought I would have to go into the office proper and use a computer owing to a DPS memo template for MS Word. This is what my first-line supervisor had told me anyway. Turns out until my disability leave is granted I am not allowed into the office proper. I have not been fired nor have I resigned, I found this response rather odd. Anyway, I was again met in the lobby this time with a copy of the DPS letter head to type out my request.

Last week I requested a meeting with my bureau manager to discuss the counselings I received over 2 weeks ago. I knew she would be out last week. I planned to call and remind my supervisor on Monday about my request to meet with her. I guess I put it off, I should probably remind my supervisor when I call in this morning. I plan to request a transfer out of fingerprints and the leave I am requesting. I am wondering now if they will try to block a meeting with her. I am of course now stressing about that. My bureau manager is known to give employees second chances especially in extenuating circumstances. Her style of management is a sharp departure from fingerprints status quo. I am considering my options in such an event such as a written letter or a phone call. Again, obsessing.

Tuesday night I got absolutely no sleep. Insomnia strikes again. I went to bed on time, rather tired, looking forward a good nights sleep. Little wonder that didn't work out. Tuesday evening I went up to Tom's work and wrote out yet another version of the memo. Tom created the memo for me, he edited it which was a really big help. He is quite the wordsmith and knowing how to write things in medical speak was a big bonus.

After treatement today I have an appointment with my psychologist. I will drop off the request for disability leave packet between group and therapy. One more day of DPS torture. It seems like such a small thing but it has been so difficult just to force myself to drive up to that place.

Another thing that is on my mind is the formal complaint to be filed against me. I say to be filed because I have received no notification. Immediate notification of filing is one of the rights guaranteed to me when such an action is taken. Are they saving this additional punishment until I return? I honestly believe that is exactly what they are doing. After my stint in intensive outpatient therapy I get to deal with more reminders of what a loser I have been just 3 months into this year. Fantastic. I plan to ask this question when I call in this morning. I don't want them to believe that I have forgotten their plans to file the complaint. I want them to know they aren't surprising me with some fresh hell.

I have got to pull myself out of this malaize. I'm not on track, not completing the goals I have set before me. The fear that I will not be organized when this month is over is rising again.

I want everything to work out but I have so many doubts. It's a little hard to tap into the power of positive thinking.

First week over

Well my first week being off work and in therapy is over. I have gained insight into living with BiPolar. Organizing the house will help reduce my level of stress which should alleviate some of the symptoms. Hulda and I are working hard towards being competition ready and having a lot of fun with that.

Therapy is helping to pinpoint other stressors and ways to counter them. My husband and family have been wonderful throughout this. One problem that I have is seeing when stress is causing me to behave differently. I am actively working on managing my stress better through medication and increasing my understanding of how the disorder affects me. It is easier for Tom to see the beginning changes than it is for me. I have asked him to help me by pointing it out to me. The problem with that is that I tend to get very defensive about it. So what ends up happening is that he tries to help and I get mad at him. This is pretty unfair to him. A topic covered in therapy was giving permission to a few close and trusted people. Since verbal permission has backfired on Tom I think I am going to try written permission. I think written permission has the potential for being less overtly confrontational. It would give me a chance to collect myself and really hear what he's trying to say to me. I have a wonderful SIL who is always very willing to be helpful. She said she would be happy to address behavioral changes. I know that I am asking a lot of these two. I am very lucky to have such supportive people in my life. There are other changes that I need to make. My style of communication needs help. I'm still working on that. The other is creating healthy boundaries. I'm working on that too. That one is harder. I run between extremes either keeping people from affecting me at all or letting them push me around. My job is a great example of that.

Despite being anxious about going back to work in 3 weeks I'm starting to feel genuinely happy. I haven't felt like I could accomplish something in months and months. Maybe even years. My self image tends to be pretty crappy but organizing the pantry, training Hulda and socializing more is helping. I have this really huge fear that at the end of this month I'll actually be organized and feeling great then go back to work and watch it all fall apart. This scares me a lot. I get really tense and then depressed. Somehow I've got to over come this feeling of desperation.

Training Hulda has been really great. In addition to the class we take on Monday and Tuesday nights I've started taking a heeling class on Saturdays. This class focuses heeling in the obedience ring. This involves getting my footwork right, heeling next to the ring enclosures and making sure I'm not giving Hulda the wrong body cues. All in all its going really well and I'm looking forward to showing.

Saturday night I went to the birthday party of SIL's friend. My adorable neice was there. She was full of fun and mischief. This may sound really awful but I LOVE watching her pull the adults puppet strings, myself included. She's cute, really smart and really loves things to go her way. A triple threat. Naturally she has us in the palm of her hand. She's not really in control but she thinks she is. Ah, youth!

Ownership

I have begun therapy and am working things through. I am beginning with some basics.

I have 2 problems that affect daily life for me. The first is that I am completely disorganized, to the point where I am truly dysfunctional. This disorganization exacerbates the BiPolar symptoms. The other is that I am overweight, obese actually. My kitchen is rarely cooking friendly and when I say kitchen I mean the whole thing; pantry, refrigerator and then of course the kitchen itself. Food is bought and then never eaten. Money is wasted at the grocery store and then again at the fast food joint or restaurant. So this afternoon it is the pantry.

As an aside, there is a genuine flaw in the construction of our pantry. It is so deep that it is really easy to loose track of what's in there. My SIL has the perfect pantry in my opinion. It's large enough for a person to step into but the shelves are shallow enough to keep track of things. My shelves are 2 feet deep easy. That's just crazy making. I'm so jealous of her!

The next step will be the refrigerator and cleaning the kitchen!

Hulda and I went to training tonight and are preparing for our first practice match on Thursday night!

Redirect

I am in a better place today. Last week at work was really awful. The work I do is important, people's lives can be affected if a mistake is made and not caught. I am a fingerprint technician and I work in an AFIS section. Let's say you are a nurse and the mistake I made links you to someone else's criminal record, say a drug conviction. How about this one, you apply to work with children and the fact that you are a registered sex offender isn't caught. There are checks and double checks inherent to the job I do to ensure that even if one person makes a mistake it won't slip through the system. In 8 years of working I have had very few errors. I was actually pretty good at what I do. In the last 3 months I have made 6 errors. That is pretty universally unheard of. This large number of errors require that a formal complaint be levied against me which would likely result in a demotion or possibly firing. Because this is a formal complaint I have the right to defend myself. I don't know why they held some of them instead of dealing with each as they came up but that is what they did. In the last 3 months I have also had a LOT of medication changes to manage the BiPolar Disorder. All of these new meds have drowsiness as a side effect. You can't read fingerprints and not be sharp. If you aren't sharp you will make mistakes. I have always been sharp and good at what I do so these errors which just seemed to be stacking up on me came as a real shock. These mistakes are directly linked to the meds I'm on which is my defense in this matter.

There is another element to this. That element is the environment I work in. It is negative and toxic. There is a pervasive us against them mentality. The technicians hate management and management hates the technicians. There are faults on both sides, neither side willing to ever give any ground to the other. My section doesn't work as a team, it works like warring factions. It is entirely political, you have to be really careful about who you trust and at all times keep in mind that you have few actual friends.

I started working for TXDPS in 1998. I started at the very bottom as a mail clerk in Accident Records. A year later I promoted 4 grades up to a fingerprint clerk. A little over a year after that I promoted 2 grades up to a fingerprint technician 1. A year after that I promoted to a fingerprint technician 2. The fingerprint section has 3 shifts. I started on graveyard, moved to evenings and finally made it to dayshift. Dayshift is where I began to have problems at work. They were minimal at first but have increased steadily over the span of time that I have worked on days. I stuck it out because my husbands health depends on the health insurance that my job provides. I also stuck it out because I knew I could do better, after all I already had. I could not or would not see that the environment I was in was making some of the BiPolar symptoms a real issue for me. I see it now.

When I return to work I plan for it not to be in fingerprints, even if that means taking a demotion. I believe I could mount a credible defense against the formal complaint and keep the job I have. Why would I ever want to do that? People working in other sections in my bureau never look as unhappy or angry as they do in fingerprints.

My psychiatrist has pulled me off of work for one month and put me in intensive outpatient therapy. She is furious with my work for holding my mistakes for over a month instead of giving them to me straight away so the problem could be dealt with. One of the 6 mistakes was given to me in January and she immediately lowered my dosage. Had the next mistake been given to me as it happened the others might have been averted.

So where am I right now? Right now I have a month to transform my life. Right now I get to heal, choose and change. It is a rare opportunity and I am going to take full advantage of it.

Insurance

Well, the badness seems to keep on coming. It seems I can't do my job anymore. A thing I used to be quite good at now seems to be part of a pattern of things I can't handle. Things with details, that require that I be alert and paying full attention. My hole in relation to work seems to be dug. It is directly related to medication I'm on for the bipolar disorder. There are protections I can seek and will but as long as I'm on medication the best I may be able to hope for is disability. I could go off medication but the last time I was full throttle Patti it wasn't always pretty and I made my life messy in other ways. I'm keeping this short because the less I dwell the better. I just wanted to check in.

Really Bad Day

Without going into detail, 3-20-2007 is one of the single worst days in my days of working at a job. Yes, I still have a job. If I had my way I'd tell them to kiss my ass forever. I'll never have my way, I'll just keep working there until the day I have a complete nervous meltdown. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get lucky enough and they'll fire me. I doubt it.

Difficulties in rescue and dog behavior

So, Angel is back. She was returned to us because she was "skittish and fearful". Skittish and fearful? Really? That is not a description of the dog Angel that I remember. I am of course concerned as to what experiences she has had to transform this truly confident and happy dog into something quite sad. I have visited several times. I have known Mr. Evans to be a kind and thoughtful man who treats pets as members of the family. Each time she has greeted me in usual Angel fashion, lots of exuberance, bouncing and energy and a clear recollection of who I am. I am greeted as a BFF in doggy language. I never saw any sign that her personality was deteriorating. This dog is full of energy and life, always ready for fun and love. You know, MY kind of dog.

Monkey could not be more opposite of this description. She is sweet, would rather cuddle than play and is needy. She almost never bounces. In hindsight I would say I placed the wrong dog in the right house. Whenever I left Mr.Evans home after a check in, Angel tried to come with me, in fact she often had to be restrained. Today Monkey couldn't be bothered for a good bye hug. It appeared she knew she was home (finally!) and had no desire to return. I think Angel may have been too much dog for the man. Monkey is perfect for someone older like Mr. Evans seeking a companion. This man is stable, honest and kind. The Angel returned to me is the Angel I left with him. As far as I can tell she hasn't suffered during her tenure in his home. He is more than deserving of a compatible companion. In all honesty I believe that Monkey has found her forever home. We will know for certain the Saturday after next. We are giving Monkey and Mr. Evans a trial run.

As far as Angel goes I still don't know what he meant by "skittish and fearful" but I plan to keep her here for a period of evaluation to see if there is in fact a temperament issue. I also plan to put her through an 8 week basic obedience class. Girlfriend needs some manners in the worst way.

I believe a new home away from here is the very best thing for Monkey. Monkey and Hulda couldn't be allowed to play together because Hulda was just too much for poor little Monkey. Monkey is around 35% smaller than either Hulda or Angel and low on self-esteem (since day one). Hulda used this to her advantage and often, she really just wanted to play but in true Alpha fashion she played to win. She never attacked Monkey she just played so hard that in the end Monkey spent most of her time trying to avoid Hulda. Each play period Hulda sent an unmistakeable message to Monkey, I'm Alpha you're the Omega. This was clearly unacceptable and made living with Monkey very hard as I could never let them both inside or outside at the same time. If Monkey were in a pack she would be an Omega, the low man on the totem pole subject to constant aggression from every member of the pack. Omegas are some of the unhappiest members of a wolf pack and often strike off on their own to start a new pack.

As a result of her ultra submissive behavior she spent time either in her crate or alone in the backyard (her favorite by far). I crated her as little as possible when I was at home but the honest truth is that Monkey was probably quite lonely out there. She has been available for adoption for well over a year, I have spent well over $500.00 in newspaper ads, created her own website and enlisted the help of Bluedog rescue. Monkey was treated less than fairly here but she was well fed, received full veterinary care, had a roof over her head and spent as much time as we could loving her. It is the latter that she did receive but not in overwhelming amounts. The constant separation meant balancing the time between them. This was a real problem for me. The reason for this is that Hulda is my priority. Period. I didn't go out of my way to find a special dog like Hulda just so I could keep her crated or left out in the backyard. Hulda got the lions share of our time and as unfortunate as that was for Monkey I will not apologize for it. Monkey got some time everyday to maintain her human socialization and psychological well being. The only other choices would be to allow Hulda to make her 'I'm dominant' point over and over again or severly curtail the amount of time Hulda spends with us. This would confuse and depress her and I simply will not put her always happy personality at jeopardy.

Before you get the idea that Hulda is some sort of dominance nightmare remember this is pack behavior. Hulda's treatment of Monkey is second nature, if Monkey had come to us with a little more self-esteem things may have gone differently. Hulda would never dream of treating me in the same manner she treats Monkey. I have been obedience training her since she was 16 weeks old, my position as Super Alpha (dog and trainer, not simply dog and owner) is secure and unquestioned. Hulda considers me and Tom members of her pack however our rank supercedes that of simpla Alpha male and female. One of the differences between the domesticated dog and the wolf is that the wolf is constantly testing the human owner for dominance and will directly challenge their human owners for the rank of Alpha. Hulda is by no means a bad dog, she is just a dog, a pack animal behaving as pack animals do with subordinates.

Hulda will soon be competing in AKC sanctioned obedience trials,. She stands a good chance of being a high scoring dog a testament to her intelligence and train ability. I brought up the issue of Alpha and Omega members of a dog pack to explain Monkey's dilemma while here and to discuss the difference between Monkey and Angel. Angel is neither an Alpha or an Omega, if she were a member of a wolf pack she would probably be a Beta. Hulda is taller which gives her a small pyschological edge in pack speak and displays dominant posturing (without overt aggression). She took every opportunity to hump Monkey (when she thought she could get away with it) as a reminder of her status. The interaction between Hulda and Angel is entirely different. They remember each other which is a plus. All they needed was to reestablish who is who. What looks like play is infact in fact a series of bluffs, rank is more about attitude and personality. Outright fighting is rare. Think of these bluffs as the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. Hulda and Angel share similar amounts of exhuberance and energy but where Angel is a bit of a spaz who is all over the place Hulda's actions are more calculated. She simply cannot permit another Alpha in her 'territory'. After just a little bit of exhuberant 'play' Angel displayed characteristic active submissive behavior; crouching low, muzzle pointed up combined with constant licking of Hulda's mouth. This behavior mimics the behavior of pups prompting adult wolves to regurgitate partially digested meat. Angel was telling Hulda 'you're the boss'. It is a mixture of groveling and begging which differs from passive submission which does not mimic another behavior (food begging). Once the proper protocol has been observed both dogs go back to behaving like complete idiots as if nothing at all has happened. Hierarchy established both dogs can now play and romp as they please. It this romping fun after establishing hierarchy that makes me think that Angel is a Beta. She has never displayed signs of overt dominance over anything whereas Hulda exerts (well, she tries) her dominance over the cat (who walks off with a 'yeah, right' sort of air about him). Passive submission is more severe. In passive submission the dog rolls onto it's back leaving it defenseless to an attack. Monkey displayed both kinds of submission, I believe, in the hopes that Hulda would accept the gesture and let her be. Oh, well.

I believe she has found a home she can be happy in and it makes me glad. Good luck Monkey and Mr. Evans! Be seeing you Saturday for the first check on progress. You are lucky to have such a wonderful new owner!

Rescue State of Affairs

Well, there is some bad news regarding my efforts at rescuing stray dogs. After more than 6 months in her new home (which seemed to be going very well) Angel is being returned to us. This really seemed to be a good match but it seems her rambunctious nature proved to be more than Mr. Evans could handle. He has agreed to do a switch out and give Monkey a try. I can only hope this proves to be a better match. If it doesn't I am facing having 3 dogs in my house again. This was chaotic to say the least and am not looking forward to this possibility.

Just Drugs

No blood clots in my legs! Let me say it again, no blood clots! I was so happy and relieved yesterday! The whole procedure took hours, I fell asleep between having to turn over now and again. Sometimes I was roused by this rushing sound. "Oh, that's just the blood pumping." Weird, huh? They told me that I had no clots because had they found one they couldn't release me however the full results from the study couldn't be released until the doctor had reviewed the ultrasound. I'll admit that made me a little nervous. Around 4:00pm yesterday afternoon I got a call from the doctor's nurse saying all findings were negative, I was clear as bell. Super huge sigh of relief. She did say that support hose would aid in the relief of swelling. Puke! I only wear hose to weddings and funerals. The horrors we have to face as we age. I immediately called my med shrink and let her know that the Geodon was likely causing some swelling in my ankles and calves. She asked if they had listened to my heart and done a kidney analysis. I told her yes to the heart, no to the kidney. She said I'd probably have to get a blood test to be sure. I also told that under no circumstances did I want to give up on Geodon. She knows how I feel about taking a pill to counter the effects of another pill. I told her in this case I'll make an exception.

Ugh

Boy am I getting tired of this. In my post I Choose I mentioned that I will be getting an ultrasound of my legs, tomorrow in fact, to determine why I have been having such painful swelling in my legs and ankles. I had this same kind of swelling with the Lithium which began to subside as my dosage was lowered. I calculated about when the swelling began again, thinking of course something must be seriously wrong if it is coming back. Well, it looks like the swelling came back around the time I increased my dosage of Geodon. I was so afraid of taking Geodon and now I feel so great you couldn't pay me to give it up. I may never be completely normal but I am enjoying a facsimile thereof. I am of course going through with the ultra sound. If there is an underlying issue I want to know it. It is strange that my right leg is swelling more than my left leg, however this is in keeping with Geodon's side effects. I really don't want to take a pill to fix the side effects of another pill but in this case I may make an exception. The really positive outcome of all this is that I was scared shitless into taking my diet and weight loss seriously. I have been trying to quit smoking (3 days no cigs) working out, cooking at home and reading a weight loss book put out by the American Heart Association. This is so not me but at the same time I am enjoying making choices that are good for me rather than being led around by my whims and addictions. Cross your fingers, toes, hair, etc. that my legs are fine and this is just med induced edema.

The Awesome Hulda Video

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Preparations

This is a beautiful yet slightly overweight boxer. I was hesitant to send this picture to Kti Jenson of Global Boxers because it very honestly shows how heavy I have allowed her to become since my car accident in 2004. It was this picture that showed her beautiful front and not completely horrible rear. Kti has generously agreed to help me find a UK male that will "strengthen the rear...level her out and balance her". I am thrilled that someone with such a commitment to health and structure is helping me.

In 2004 Hulda was trim (also still in her puppyhood) and we were very actively training for the AKC Novice Obedience Class. I had lost a lot of weight and was feeling great. In August of that year a driver in Volkswagon Golf ran through a stale red light going around 70 miles an hour (according to police at the scene). The fact that I was driving Tom's full size Blazer (compare to Chevy Tahoe) is probably the only thing that kept me alive. I feel so awful for every bad thing I ever said about it and the name I christened it with 'Lurch'. Despite the fact that the Blazer flipped twice and then spun like a top I walked away in one piece. I credit Lurch entirely with saving my life. Bruised and seriously banged up to be certain but not facing a lifetime in a wheel chair or dead, but I digress.

Back to the point. After the accident I had serious shoulder, wrist and knee injuries. I had to completely quit training Hulda. I got lax on the strict diet plan we had her on. For the first time ever she got little bits of food from our plates. I think I was trying to make up to her all the time we weren't spending together like before. She really loved all the attention she got from training. Prior to the accident she was unaware that she could get food from our plates and didn't beg at all. I let my sweet beautiful dog get fat, I feel really awful about that. At first the only recent pictures of Hulda I sent to Kti were ones that sort of hid this fact. Because she couldn't really see Hulda she had serious concerns about her construction. So, I bit the bullet and sent her this much more honest photo.

So what are you preparing for Patti?, you ask. Well, we are preparing to show Hulda in the Novice Obedience Class at the 2007 American Boxer Club National Specialty Show. I want her to be in top show condition just as if we were showing her in the conformation classes to be judged because believe me, she will be judged. This is where the top Boxers in the country all congregate for one massive show full of Boxers only. Imported dogs from the European continent and the United Kingdom feature only a small percentage of the total dogs shown and yet they represent some of the healthiest dogs in the United States. It is these dogs or dogs descended from imports like Hulda, that I am interested in. The owners of these dogs are rather hard to impress. Hulda's health, intelligence, structure and bloodlines are the reasons she has earned her a place among these dogs and these breeding programs.

How are we preparing? Well, Hulda is back to her strict diet. She is eating a super high quality dog food called Solid Gold Hundenflocken. Due to its nutrition and digestibility she doesn't need to eat as much. I am taking her to the park for training on days we don't have classes, after training at the park I either play soccer, yes I said soccer, or I throw a ball around until she is winded. I am already seeing signs of increased muscle tone and weight loss. She is by no means obese, just not ideal condition. It should prove fairly easy to have her in tip top condition by early May which is when the obedience trials will be held.

There is of course a side benefit for me. As I train her, I too am getting exercise. I hope to have lost about 20 to 25 pounds by May. I sincerely hope that is not too far flung a goal. I too must make a good impression.

Exhausted

Congratulations are in order for my girl Hulda! After her Intermediate training class which is from 7-8pm the trainers informed me that she was ready for the Novice class. The Novice class is for those dogs who are preparing to compete in the Novice class at AKC Obedience trials. Basically my little girl is ready for the big time. The reason I titled this post Exhausted is because that is exactly what I was last night. See, the Novice class on Tuesdays is right after the Intermediate class from 8-9. So right after we had our feet walked off from heeling exercises we had them run off in the Novice class. I was soooo ready to go home and not move for the rest of the night. So, since we are in the big time now I decided to just go ahead and enter her in the Alamo City Cluster. This is 3 days of dog show bliss! We are entered only on the Saturday and Sunday shows. After our Novice class I realized that it is possible that we may have bitten just a tiny bit more than we can actually chew. She is solid on most things but I now realize we are going to have to work extra hard on three very important exercises. Exercises I believe we will have solidly in place by March 10 &11. These exercises are the 'Finish' which is returning to the heel position (at my left side) from the 'Recall'. This is by far the most challenging exercise that we need to perfect. Then there is an exercise which I don't know the name for which involves heeling between two posts to test our teamwork. She does this perfectly but I need to work on my form. The handler is tested just as much as the dog is. The final exercise which I do not foresee any real trouble with it is just that I have not tested her on it and that is the 'Off-Lead' heeling exercise. So we've got our work cut out for us but I believe that we may be ready and just might get one or two legs towards her Companion Dog (CD) title.

I Choose

Before I begin on recent positive choices I would like to say that Tom's surprise birthday party was a huge success! He was totally surprised and had a great time. Both his family and mine were there which was very special to both of us. Historically these two sides have had more downs than ups together, something that has really bothered me. Part of my goal was one last ditch effort to bring these two sides together and hopefully allow some healing to begin. My SIL & BIL have successfully incorporated their respective in-laws in their lives as a cohesive whole and I must admit I have been just a bit jealous and sad that I have been unable to do the same. After the event my mom and I talked about how much fun was had and my SIL told me that before we arrived there was harmony and genuine friendliness. My mom and I discussed the topic of this healing and she herself feels it has indeed begun. Yay! This makes me very happy.

Now onto my choices. My quitting smoking has had some ups and downs but I am ploughing through determined to be a non-smoker for good. I feel so much better when not smoking and I want to feel better.

Last night Tom and I decided to choose better health for the both of us. We are members of Gold's gym through his work. Last night we went with a close friend and we all worked out. He did his walking with his friend while I swam laps and did other water exercises. The pool allows me to do some real vigorous cardio without putting pressure on my left knee which has been through surgery and then a series of painful injections after a very bad car accident. I found that swimming is like really good weed. It hits you quite a bit later. After working out I treated myself to the whirlpool. Yay!

Yesterday I bought a diet book put out by the American Heart Association called 'No-Fad Diet' it is a straight forward approach to healthy eating for weight loss. I think this will be especially beneficial as Tom has had some circulatory issues and it looks like the same may be happening for me. Tom and I discussed choosing to feed our bodies as opposed to eating only because something was appealing or tasted really good. I will be getting an ultrasound later this week to determine if and what is wrong with my legs which often swell quite painfully. I am visualizing that nothing is wrong whatsoever. That being said it is better to err on the side of caution and plan healthy eating.

Surprise!

Today is the day after Tom's birthday and I have something very special planned for him. Part of it he knows and part of it he does not. The part he knows is that today we are going to a very special limited guest luncheon at a very nice little Texas winery, Dry Comal Creek Vinyards. Every month they have what they call Soup Saturday. Chef Carol Hill from the River House Tea Room in Gruene serves up a very special soup, this months soup is Prime Rib Stew. The soup is served with salad, bread, a small dessert and a glass of non-reserve wine. Additionally particpants in this very special lunch receive 20% off wine purchased that day. This is the part that he knows about. What he doesn't know is that we will be joined by my parents, his mom, sister, BIL and most importantly our neice Serif. We have worked very hard to keep this secret a secret (not without near catastrophic slips of the tongue). We love visiting wineries and I am really looking forward to this being a very special day. Shhhhh. Please don't tell!

New Habits

Tom and I decided over the weekend that each wants the other to live a long and healthy life and so we must begin to change some habits together. This is going to very difficult for me because this requires organization. Organization is not my strong suit plus I am still trying to get the med thing figured out. I feel so much better than I ever have but I am still having serious issues with insomnia. I woke up at 5:00 this morning to get us up and going to the gym but Tom wasn't hearing any of it. Besides organization we lack discipline, I flopped back down in the bed for a little more sleep. Dieting will be an even harder obstacle course for, I am impulsive and take drugs that aren't conducive to a smart eating plan. Top that all of with no ability to organize things like weekly meals and you have a recipe for utter, utter failure. Somehow we are going to have to navigate around all of this if we ever want to be healthy human beings. I have no idea where or how to start.

Last week I dealt with a serious bout of insomnia and was too tired to go Hulda's certification exam. I was sorely disappointed in myself. I'm not back at square one with my meds, more like square two, but I seem to be with everything else.

Therapy Dog

Tonight Hulda takes a basic obedience and temperament test for Therapy Pet Pals of Texas to see if she would make a suitable therapy dog. She isn't the first therapy dog I've had. My first boxer Jazz passed her exam with flying colors but sadly was never able to go to work. I have every expectation that Hulda will pass her exam. I know several people who have therapy dogs and say the work is rewarding for the team (dog and handler). From them I learned that while the dog really enjoys the work that the handler (me) needs to be aware of her needs. For whatever reason the work can be draining on the dog. I am looking forward to actually getting to enjoy the experience something I was never able to do with Jazz.

Utterly Amazing

I don't know what the odds are on a dog being able to perform off lead after a 2 1/2 year lag in training but I'll take that bet. Hulda's hardest exorcise has always been recall (come!). She started out like a greyhound in her puppy hood and would race right into my legs or would alternately run gleeful circles around me. She did so well on the heeling portion that the trainer wanted to see her off lead recall. Perfect. Far better than her on lead recall. I think she is going to end up being one of those obedience dogs that really doesn't like the leash and would rather just do it correctly but without it. I am dumbstruck that she hasn't lost at least some of her training. That is to be expected. She is one smart cookie. I think we're in the right class, she still needs some work on her finish (returning to the heel position on command). She does a half finish but that's my fault. I tried to teach her to do the flip finish when she was a pup but it turned out a lopsided finish instead. This isn't a new problem, she's doing exactly, exactly, what I trained her to do. I am having so much fun. The 30 minutes of fast controlled walking is probably good for me. About Turn! Right Turn! Left Turn! Fast! Hopefully next week Hulda will be the only one panting when we complete the heeling exorcise. It has been so great being around a whole bunch of dog people. My people!

?lamroN

I am not exactly sure what constitutes normal. I don't believe I have experienced it as it generally defined. In the past few weeks I have found getting one of my mood states into some semblance of 'normal' automatically triggered the opposite or polar mood state. I have tried so many medications that I really ought to be getting a guinea pig check from the drug companies. The good news today is that I woke up feeling more balanced and ready to face the world than I have in months. My very wise husband suggested that we 'drop by' my old dog training center just to see what old friends were up to. Before we had left I had signed up for a months worth of classes. It is bewildering to me that it has taken me so long to get back to what can only be described as a passion for me. Tuesday night Hulda and I went to classes and she utterly amazed me and the other trainers. Not only was she not rusty, she hadn't forgotten a thing. She out heeled, out stayed, out sat and out downed every other dog in the room. I couldn't have been prouder and honestly the accolades must go to her. I haven't worked her consistently in 2 1/2 years. It was almost as though she has been waiting for mom to wake up. Tonite is class two and I feel more than confident that after a month in the intermediate class she will be ready for the show prep class. It is not ridiculous to think I could test her out on the A &B matches by late March early April. The nationals are in May, what if I feel so good and am doing so well that I she finishes her title at the biggest show for Boxers of the year? I think it is a worthy goal and one I intend to aim for. Whatever I am feeling, normal or otherwise...it feels great!

Wistful

Habit of Depression

Generally speaking since I began the much dreaded and feared Geodon I have felt pleasant and happy, even productive. I am not experiencing the side affects I was so worried about. I am sleeping like a baby with the use of sleeping meds and sleep hygiene. I am successfully combatting the manic issues I deal with so frequently. I rarely notice the depressive symptoms inherent with manic depression. I have one major symptom of depression that I really didn't recognize or deal with. I couldn't explain in any logical way why I seem to need to isolate myself in my little home cocoon but it is a big problem for me. Given the choice to go and do something really exciting and fun or stay home I will most often choose, sometimes even fight to stay at home. I have tried to explain this away in a number of waya but the truth is I have never been able to explain this well. I saw my shrink today because in addition to a huge crying spell preceded by a case of the 'my whole world sucks' I knew I was in the middle of a downswing. The manic issues are currently well managed but not the depressive issues. I manage my bipolar through my med shrink and my head shrink. My med shrink upped one of my mood stabilizers and suggested I discuss my isolation with my head shrink. She said that people can deal with their depression issues for so long that it almost becomes a habit. Does that mean I have been isolating for so long that med support alone won't get me out of the house? Do I need to kick the habit? There are things I love to do that I haven't done since February of 2005. Isolation has played a major role in my life since that time. Because I believe family is so important I fight the desire to stay at home. Once I'm there I have a great time. I literally love training my dog but haven't gone to classes since August of 2004. Doesn't make any sense does it? Tom and I have plans to go to class together, he is gonna train Monkey. I was really looking forward to competing with Hulda. I'm really tired of this nothing and hope that this is the answer I've been looking for.

Texas Winter Reflections

Ready for Winter

Painted furniture

In my search to create a lovely bedroom suite I discovered painted furniture. This is very popular in India and I have to agree with a word of warning. This furniture can either be very good or very, very bad. I found a lovely piece which I would get a pair of and use as bedside tables this instant if I had unlimited funds! I think it's charm is in its small size and the ornate pattern which is used throughout. This same pattern applied to a wardrobe is just too much. As an accent piece I think it will be lovely. I hope it will stay available for some time. I found this at http://www.indiakafurniture.com/

The great bed hunt

As you know I am on the hunt for the perfect bed to accompany my gorgeous linens. Well, I know I want a 4 poster bed my thoughts are that it will look something like this only in my colors and not this overwhelming orange. This is just a good example of what I want and what I plan to do with it. There are some really crazy beds out there which are replicas of real beds used by Indian Royalty. I am avoiding these beds like the plague and will probably just stick with a nice solidly built but rather plain 4 poster. Here are a few of examples of what royalty slept on. Yechh!

New Bedroom for me!

We are planning on moving someday. Hopefully sooner than later. It is a goal Tom and I are working towards. I've decided that when we get there I want my brand new bedroom all ready to go. My dream bedroom befits a Maharani and is opulently decorated in sensual indian colors and design. I bought myself a great birthday present. I bought the bedset that will serve as the focal point for bedroom decorating. I have been looking for over a year for the right bedset; I've search Pier One, World Market but found zip. You know where I found this? I found this in a 7th Avenue catalog. I couldn't believe but wasted no time in ordering it! I am keeping eyes open for the perfect 4 poster bed to really show this off.

Birthday Month

Yay! It is once again my birthday month! A month long celebration of me! I have always loved my birthday, I hope I never take the cynical view that I am merely racking on the years. Yes, I am older but that doesn't suddenly happen on my birthday. Tomorrow I will be older than I am today, the same is true for next week, next month, the next 6 months. Instead of bemoaning the advancing years I prefer to celebrate the glorious event that was me 37 years ago.

I have no problem receiving birthday presents. If you would like to gift me feel free to look at my updated Christmas wish list blog Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. I am not expecting any however I think that fussily polite bit of etiquette is one more attempt at ignoring the obvious and so I ignore it. Give me presents, don't give me presents the point is the central theme. ME! ME! ME!

So far, no smoking. I will be taking my patch off around 8:00pm so that the flow of the stimulant drug nicotine does not disrupt my sleeping. If the urge to smoke becomes overwhelming I will allow myself one cigarette. The goal is still good and I will still be proud of myself whether I do or don't. It will either be a 100% or 95% cigarette free day. Tomorrow morning a new patch will go on and I will fight the impulse again without having to contend with actual craving. Despite my complete and total lack of nicotine withdrawal I still have to fight the impulse to reach for a cigarette. It really is a bitch of a habit.

Well, I'm off to do laundry and cruelly manipulate my Sims.

Happy Birthday Month to me....
Happy Birthday Month to me....
Happy Birthday Month to me....
Happy Birthday Month to me....

Action Quitter

So, my choices have been made. What to do now? What to do...What to do....

Well, if it's not too radical a suggestion I could ACT on them.

I spent a lovely evening with my parents and Tom. My dad is an ok guy if I just keep within the acceptable conversational parameters. My mom was a joy. She taught me a filthy saying in German. I almost feel grown up.

Good as my word, I am quitting smoking. I bought the NicodermCQ patches, step one. I am using their online support program and telling you guys all about it. Buy me that tea cozy, I am a frigging grown up. Sigh.

Wish me luck. Better yet, wish Tom luck. Without luck there could be blood shed in this whole quitter scenario.

I'll keep you posted.