Wistful

Habit of Depression

Generally speaking since I began the much dreaded and feared Geodon I have felt pleasant and happy, even productive. I am not experiencing the side affects I was so worried about. I am sleeping like a baby with the use of sleeping meds and sleep hygiene. I am successfully combatting the manic issues I deal with so frequently. I rarely notice the depressive symptoms inherent with manic depression. I have one major symptom of depression that I really didn't recognize or deal with. I couldn't explain in any logical way why I seem to need to isolate myself in my little home cocoon but it is a big problem for me. Given the choice to go and do something really exciting and fun or stay home I will most often choose, sometimes even fight to stay at home. I have tried to explain this away in a number of waya but the truth is I have never been able to explain this well. I saw my shrink today because in addition to a huge crying spell preceded by a case of the 'my whole world sucks' I knew I was in the middle of a downswing. The manic issues are currently well managed but not the depressive issues. I manage my bipolar through my med shrink and my head shrink. My med shrink upped one of my mood stabilizers and suggested I discuss my isolation with my head shrink. She said that people can deal with their depression issues for so long that it almost becomes a habit. Does that mean I have been isolating for so long that med support alone won't get me out of the house? Do I need to kick the habit? There are things I love to do that I haven't done since February of 2005. Isolation has played a major role in my life since that time. Because I believe family is so important I fight the desire to stay at home. Once I'm there I have a great time. I literally love training my dog but haven't gone to classes since August of 2004. Doesn't make any sense does it? Tom and I have plans to go to class together, he is gonna train Monkey. I was really looking forward to competing with Hulda. I'm really tired of this nothing and hope that this is the answer I've been looking for.

Texas Winter Reflections

Ready for Winter

Painted furniture

In my search to create a lovely bedroom suite I discovered painted furniture. This is very popular in India and I have to agree with a word of warning. This furniture can either be very good or very, very bad. I found a lovely piece which I would get a pair of and use as bedside tables this instant if I had unlimited funds! I think it's charm is in its small size and the ornate pattern which is used throughout. This same pattern applied to a wardrobe is just too much. As an accent piece I think it will be lovely. I hope it will stay available for some time. I found this at http://www.indiakafurniture.com/

The great bed hunt

As you know I am on the hunt for the perfect bed to accompany my gorgeous linens. Well, I know I want a 4 poster bed my thoughts are that it will look something like this only in my colors and not this overwhelming orange. This is just a good example of what I want and what I plan to do with it. There are some really crazy beds out there which are replicas of real beds used by Indian Royalty. I am avoiding these beds like the plague and will probably just stick with a nice solidly built but rather plain 4 poster. Here are a few of examples of what royalty slept on. Yechh!

New Bedroom for me!

We are planning on moving someday. Hopefully sooner than later. It is a goal Tom and I are working towards. I've decided that when we get there I want my brand new bedroom all ready to go. My dream bedroom befits a Maharani and is opulently decorated in sensual indian colors and design. I bought myself a great birthday present. I bought the bedset that will serve as the focal point for bedroom decorating. I have been looking for over a year for the right bedset; I've search Pier One, World Market but found zip. You know where I found this? I found this in a 7th Avenue catalog. I couldn't believe but wasted no time in ordering it! I am keeping eyes open for the perfect 4 poster bed to really show this off.

Birthday Month

Yay! It is once again my birthday month! A month long celebration of me! I have always loved my birthday, I hope I never take the cynical view that I am merely racking on the years. Yes, I am older but that doesn't suddenly happen on my birthday. Tomorrow I will be older than I am today, the same is true for next week, next month, the next 6 months. Instead of bemoaning the advancing years I prefer to celebrate the glorious event that was me 37 years ago.

I have no problem receiving birthday presents. If you would like to gift me feel free to look at my updated Christmas wish list blog Gimme, Gimme, Gimme. I am not expecting any however I think that fussily polite bit of etiquette is one more attempt at ignoring the obvious and so I ignore it. Give me presents, don't give me presents the point is the central theme. ME! ME! ME!

So far, no smoking. I will be taking my patch off around 8:00pm so that the flow of the stimulant drug nicotine does not disrupt my sleeping. If the urge to smoke becomes overwhelming I will allow myself one cigarette. The goal is still good and I will still be proud of myself whether I do or don't. It will either be a 100% or 95% cigarette free day. Tomorrow morning a new patch will go on and I will fight the impulse again without having to contend with actual craving. Despite my complete and total lack of nicotine withdrawal I still have to fight the impulse to reach for a cigarette. It really is a bitch of a habit.

Well, I'm off to do laundry and cruelly manipulate my Sims.

Happy Birthday Month to me....
Happy Birthday Month to me....
Happy Birthday Month to me....
Happy Birthday Month to me....

Action Quitter

So, my choices have been made. What to do now? What to do...What to do....

Well, if it's not too radical a suggestion I could ACT on them.

I spent a lovely evening with my parents and Tom. My dad is an ok guy if I just keep within the acceptable conversational parameters. My mom was a joy. She taught me a filthy saying in German. I almost feel grown up.

Good as my word, I am quitting smoking. I bought the NicodermCQ patches, step one. I am using their online support program and telling you guys all about it. Buy me that tea cozy, I am a frigging grown up. Sigh.

Wish me luck. Better yet, wish Tom luck. Without luck there could be blood shed in this whole quitter scenario.

I'll keep you posted.