Springtime

I love this month. I went outside to water the plants, take in a little sunshine. While I was watering our little Magnolia tree I saw the biggest ladybug ever. On closer inspection it proved to be two ladybugs doing the watusi! The gentleman ladybug clung for dear life on the back of a very fast moving lady ladybug. As she ran all over the leaves and branches he shook back and forth off her end. I know, I know, this was a very private moment for these two but I couldn't help myself. I just had to take pictures!

Night time

Night time always seems to be the most deeply depressing time for me. What seems to happen is that thoughts come too quickly, often rather morbid thoughts or thoughts that visit the worst time in my life or actions that I am ashamed of. This is a symptom of mania, but the nature of the thoughts can push me into an immediate downswing. I even know what is happening, I can feel it approaching but seem helpless to stop it. I really hate feeling like a victim of my own mind.

Last night I took my night meds 2.5 hours later than usual. This pushed my tightly ordered night time schedule off. Without meds in my blood stream the symptoms just take over.

I'm doing much better now, will check in later.

Morbid thoughts and no sleep

It is 1:53 in the morning and I can't sleep. This has been coming for days. For the past two days I have been taking Tom's head off at the slightest provocation. I hate being back at work and despite all my efforts at meeting with the BM it appears I will be in this position for the time being. This thought makes my head swim. I feel drawn taut over something deep and dark. It feels like any minute it will swallow me whole.

When I've reached my stress limit there are typically two things that happen: 1) Can't sleep 2) Vomit. Both happened tonight. When I finally did lay down death scenes from movies kept replaying in my head. I can't seem to stop it so my only choice is to get up.

Oddly, there is something comforting about this morbidity. Although I have never been 'suicidal' I do spend quite a lot of time pondering death. More than I would ever let on to ordinarily. It is a familiar track, a groove in the road laid down in childhood. I can usually keep it inside but if I have learned anything over the past few weeks it is that not sharing these thoughts can have deadly consequences. The summer after I turned 10 was the first time my mother ever saw it. We were in Germany and I simply could not stop crying. I love Germany, always have but for some reason I wanted to go home. It seems that the minute the plane landed I couldn't stop obsessing about death. My death, her death, every one's death. My mother swore it had something to do with the eruption of Mt. St. Helens just a few weeks before. The usually pleasant and mild German weather during summer gave way to overcast skies, rain and unending heat. I am more likely to be manic than depressed in spring and summer so maybe she is right. I don't know. I just know it is the first time I exhibited major outward signs of being depressed and talking about death.

When I was 8 my mother went away to Germany over the summer by herself. I was left alone with my father. Although it was years later before I understood what had actually transpired, he had introduced me to one of his girlfriends. Brought her around the house. She gave me a bracelet. I just thought she was a friend of his from work. The other thing that stands out is the number of times he beat me. There was no mom to throw herself in between he and I. I have never felt more defenceless or unloved in my whole life.

This is what perplexes me. That horrible summer in Germany I desperately wanted to get home. I knew exactly what would be waiting for me if I did go home and still, at the time, it seemed preferable to me than Germany. I think that is so odd.

The year after that summer, once the school year had ended was when my parents packed me up and sent me to live at a children's home. The year after that, during the summer is when I was raped.

Horrific, tumultuous events have happened during the spring and summer. I just spent the last 4 weeks feeling happier than I have in years. As we move into late spring I am sure that there is something in my brain screaming out warning signs.

My spring and summer manics have had awful consequences. I have put myself in life threatening situations because whatever I was doing seemed well within my control. The depression after this type of manic is always very low.

Do you see a pattern? I think there must be one but I can't see it yet.

I love my husband. I love my dog. I love my niece. I love my parents. I love Tom's family. They all love me right back. And still this black, bleak chasym seems to yawn beneath me. This is one of those times that the effort, the struggle I perceive, doesn't seem worth very much to me.

If I am to be completely honest with myself there is something about death that is appealing to me, comforting even. I don't believe that I really want to be dead, it's just that I am so very unhappy. I am so unhappy and it hit so fast. To be dead would be such a quick way to not be unhappy. This is why anyone commits suicide. It is easier than facing life's realities.

I am not contemplating suicide. Well, I guess I am contemplating it but not in the 'I have a plan' sort of way. If I talk about it I know it won't happen. I have been steeling myself for a manic episode. This really blind sided me. I think I need to call my doctor on Monday and let her know the meds aren't quite doing their job. I need to rethink things. I just feel so trapped, there doesn't seem to be a way out.

This is so politically incorrect but I really think I would be happy if things were simpler for me. I enjoyed working around the house, cooking healthy dinners, domestic stuff. I liked it. I really, really liked it. I don't think I've ever been calmer or at peace with myself and the world. I wish I could alter my life to accomodate this peace and happiness. I think that when I got married this is sort of what I envisioned for myself. Then Tom got sick and now it is an impossibility.

Well, I think that this was a much needed check in. I am going to try to sneak in a couple of hours of sleep before I have to get up and get ready for work.

The first week back is over.

So far today I have had the same person tell me twice how stupid management is. Once they actually nudged me to get me to remove my headphones so that they could impart this priceless piece of negativity. Ok, people. I got it. Been working here for years. Management is dumb. Thanks for the tip. I might have actually missed that.

There was an unpleasant encounter before lunch. I was working with one other person on a specific job. It involves entering fingerprints manually via a scanner into AFIS. AFIS produces a candidate list to be verified or eliminated. There are a limited number of these stations so work is prioritized. This works well if everyone follows the protocol. My co-worker refused to split the top priority work with me. Not only was she nasty about it but it put me in an awkward position and really pissed off the person who needed the results to get the work out. I did the best that I could but refused to be rushed. Between the two of us all the work could have easily been completed. Instead she chose to work on the lowest priority work we have. None of this will reflect back on me but it is frustrating.

The next time I took my headphones off was near the end of the day. I was treated to the most bizarre story. My co-worker's husband's friend was really drunk and had access to power tools. Always a great beginning. He cuts a good slash into his leg and somehow winds up at the veterinarian's office. This occurred in rural Texas so it's really not that big of a stretch. The veterinarian wisely refused to treat this man, so instead of going to a human doctor (again) he stitches the gash together with a staple gun. A staple gun! Fifteen 'stitches' in all. So this friend of her husband's was over for dinner one night telling his story. He asked my co-worker if she wanted to see the scar, she said sure, her husband said no. She says to her husband I've been on ranches all my life I'm sure this isn't something I haven't seen before. I guess weird injuries are common down on the farm. She says to him show me. Does he roll up his pant leg to show her? No, that would have been to easy. He stands up and drops his trousers. At dinner. In front of his friend's wife. I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks.

So it is the end of the first week. My eyes are on fire. They hurt so much. I kept having to wipe my eyes because I'm making so much discharge. I can't believe that I didn't acknowledge how tired my eyes were at the end of the day. No wonder my head has been pounding.

The Bipolar/Depression group was a real let down. The group started out fairly small but as more and more people trickled in the group split into two smaller groups. I picked the unhappy group. I didn't mean to. As person after person fell to pieces in the group I was in I could hear the other group's animated chatter spattered with laughter. I was so jealous.

Today was the day that the new phones came. Tom got us the COOLEST new phones! I'm having fun learning what all it can do!

Back To Work!

I am back at work. I didn't want to go back. Just a few weeks ago when I thought of having to go back I felt desperate and hopeless. I even thought about hurting myself.

You would think that the memory of that place would be burned forever into my mind. In just 4 weeks I forgot how utterly negative my co-workers are. No one smiles, dark looks are continually thrown at management and each other. People look up, whisper, look up again. Who wouldn't become a little paranoid?

Nevertheless, I went in with as positive an attitude as I could muster. I went back that first day dressed and ready to meet with the bureau manager. For the past 4 weeks I have called everyday to see if I could get a meeting with her. This is what I was instructed to do. It's kinda like management has selective short term memory loss. I asked about an appointment each morning. Each morning I was told they would get back with me. The one definite appointment I had was during the morning when they knew I was unavailable. It's not very clever, got old really fast and yet somehow I thought once I was back at work she would have to meet with me. The first two mornings management kept up the pretense that my meeting with her was imminent. By the end of the second day I was told, "she knows you want to meet with her, don't ask anymore". If they are going to fire me I really wish they would just get it over with. I feel like the wildebeast on a nature program being eaten alive by the lions. Just kill me already.

I have given this meeting a lot of thought. My first two weeks off I really didn't know what I would say to this woman. Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't get a meeting right away. It's given me the opportunity to reflect on the last several months and the 6 errors that got me here in the first place. If I ever get to actually meet with her I'm asking to have these errors dismissed. I was on medication that caused extreme drowsiness. My record speaks for itself. These errors not withstanding I have a very low incidence of misverification. My doctor has given them a written statement about the extreme drowsiness this medication causes. This isn't about talent or skill, it's about medication taken under a physicians care.

My first day back wasn't so bad. Actually I felt quite good about myself. I was tested on my ability to read fingerprints, several were really, really hard and I totally aced it! I got the impression from my supervisor that she was impressed.

The second and third days have been harder. I have gotten out of the practice of looking at prints all day. It is unbelievably hard on the eyes. I had no idea. After only three days back I already have a pounding headache. It feels like a 3 year old pounding on my head with a rubber mallet. It's not just the work though. The first day back I was testing all day. I had virtually no contact with my co-workers. If you've ever had a fish tank you'll remember that you aclimate a fish before releasing it into the tank. Yeah, it's like that. I am so glad that I work this weekend. I know that is an odd thing to say. Because I work this weekend I have tomorrow off. I really needed a day away to clear my head.

I am missing group. It was such a supportive place to be in. I have to be my own support system at work and that is really hard. For the 6 next weeks I will be in an after care group that meets on Tuesday evenings. It is specifically for working on the same things you did in group but in more of a real world setting. I am also joining a Bipolar/Depression group that meets on Fridays. It is an ongoing long term group. I really feel the need to continue cognitive therapy with others living with bipolar. I'm not even sure that this group is right for me, but it is a good place and a good time to start.

Bracing

When I called into work this morning I asked my supervisor the questions about the formal complaint and the meeting with the bureau manager.

The formal complaint is on hold because I am on 'unapproved leave'. This is something I still don't quite understand. They have a letter from my doctor stating that I am too be out from 3/22-4/23. For them it means they can't let me work during this time period. Even if I were to go to work they would have to send me home. I have turned in my request for Temporary Disability Leave. When the approval for this comes through will they move forward on the formal complaint? That is a question I will hold off on until I get the approval notification.

My bureau manager agreed to meet with me tomorrow at 10:00am however I am not going to miss group. It is important that I meet with her but it is just as important that I continue with my therapy. I am certain that she can and will find an afternoon appointment for me even if that means delaying it a bit.

Last evening Tom took our foster Angel to her first basic obedience class. They had a really good time and both of them did a really good job! I am so proud of Tom for taking Angel's training on.

Paralyzed

I've had to go by work twice this week and I have to go once more this afternoon. My anxiety level over this has been tremendous.

I think Monday was the worst. I had to go by and pick up my paycheck. I had discussed my anxiety with group on Monday morning. My usual way of dealing with panic has been to either totally avoid whatever was causing it or simply waiting for it to pass. I had no experience preparing myself mentally before hand. The group had a lot of helpful suggestions. In the end though I sat on my couch obsessing on my trip to work, magnifying it beyond anything even remotely probable. I finally pulled myself together at the last possible moment. I called ahead to let management know that I would be showing up. I was met in the lobby. This was a godsend because I felt like I might have a total melt down.

After group on Monday I stopped by my psychiatrist to pick up a completed form. The form is part of the cadre of forms needed to request temporary disability leave. Another part of the request is a memo to the director of DPS stating which type of leave without pay I was requesting and the circumstances creating the need. I could have saved myself a second trip to work by having this memo ready however part of my obsession involved writing about 6 different possible memos. I thought I would have to go into the office proper and use a computer owing to a DPS memo template for MS Word. This is what my first-line supervisor had told me anyway. Turns out until my disability leave is granted I am not allowed into the office proper. I have not been fired nor have I resigned, I found this response rather odd. Anyway, I was again met in the lobby this time with a copy of the DPS letter head to type out my request.

Last week I requested a meeting with my bureau manager to discuss the counselings I received over 2 weeks ago. I knew she would be out last week. I planned to call and remind my supervisor on Monday about my request to meet with her. I guess I put it off, I should probably remind my supervisor when I call in this morning. I plan to request a transfer out of fingerprints and the leave I am requesting. I am wondering now if they will try to block a meeting with her. I am of course now stressing about that. My bureau manager is known to give employees second chances especially in extenuating circumstances. Her style of management is a sharp departure from fingerprints status quo. I am considering my options in such an event such as a written letter or a phone call. Again, obsessing.

Tuesday night I got absolutely no sleep. Insomnia strikes again. I went to bed on time, rather tired, looking forward a good nights sleep. Little wonder that didn't work out. Tuesday evening I went up to Tom's work and wrote out yet another version of the memo. Tom created the memo for me, he edited it which was a really big help. He is quite the wordsmith and knowing how to write things in medical speak was a big bonus.

After treatement today I have an appointment with my psychologist. I will drop off the request for disability leave packet between group and therapy. One more day of DPS torture. It seems like such a small thing but it has been so difficult just to force myself to drive up to that place.

Another thing that is on my mind is the formal complaint to be filed against me. I say to be filed because I have received no notification. Immediate notification of filing is one of the rights guaranteed to me when such an action is taken. Are they saving this additional punishment until I return? I honestly believe that is exactly what they are doing. After my stint in intensive outpatient therapy I get to deal with more reminders of what a loser I have been just 3 months into this year. Fantastic. I plan to ask this question when I call in this morning. I don't want them to believe that I have forgotten their plans to file the complaint. I want them to know they aren't surprising me with some fresh hell.

I have got to pull myself out of this malaize. I'm not on track, not completing the goals I have set before me. The fear that I will not be organized when this month is over is rising again.

I want everything to work out but I have so many doubts. It's a little hard to tap into the power of positive thinking.