Can't Sleep

Today, at 8:15am, I find out what the Colonel's offer is at general counsel. I have no idea what this means. I was really afraid that they would offer me my job back. Really, really afraid. It seems ridiculous now, so what if they offer me my job back. I don't have to take it. I could offer my resignation in return. Why did that not seem logical? I don't know. I only know that if the thought, the very idea of returning causes such terror in me then I don't belong there. Despite knowing all of this, that I have an answer I am still experiencing some anxiety. I am having trouble relaxing enough to sleep. This will probably be a no sleep night. I have decided that some side affects of Lunesta are bad enough to never take it again so it is strictly sleep hygiene for this girl. A good decision I feel.

I am very bad at clearly conveying my feelings. I hold so much so close that even those who love me and who are there to stand with me often don't know what I am experiencing. I have trouble with vulnerability. I have what would probably be called rigid boundaries. High walls to climb. These are coping mechanisms and they are there for good reason but they aren't serving me so well anymore. It's long past time to start letting people in. You might think from this blog that I already do but even this perceived permission to see inside is just another wall. If it is in the blog then I don't have to talk about it. I don't have to cry with family and friends even when I really, really need to. I have done such a good job of shutting people out that I have chased off or deliberately cut out most of my best friends. As awkward as being vulnerable is, it really is ok to feel and to feel with others. Time will tell if knowing this and putting it into practise will equal the same thing. I have started and I am trying. Saturday I cried all night with my very best friend. My god did it ever help.