Antidote to Friday

Tom and I went to Texas Hills Vineyard today. Thankfully the harpy owner was not there. Tom tasted his favorites, the heavier reds and sampled the Moscatos and Ports. On my first trip to this winery my favorite was Orange Moscato and I regretted not getting a bottle. I remedied the mistake. Tom and then took off for Chisholm winery, or so we thought. A slight navigational error put us way off and we just couldn't make the winery before closing. No big deal. We laughed it off. We do our best talking when driving. It's just Tom, me and the road. This has been true for us since the beginning. He loves maps. We used 4 maps (which makes getting off course that much more humerous. So as I said we talk well on the road.

I mentioned in my last post that seeing my uterus and ovaries on screen had an unexpected and primal affect on me. Tom and I discuss children as an ‘idea' with more frequency since the advent of Serif. I had a brief period, just before Tom began his intensive chemotherapy, where I wanted a baby. In a fit of insanity I thought being pregnant while he was undergoing chemotherapy would be a 'good' idea. We tried and tried. I even went on a mild form of fertility medicine. God knew better. Thank you God. I say that because my thoughts hadn't gotten past getting pregnant. I don't think I gave any thought the human being we would create. When we got the results of his zero sperm count we were devastated. The result was that I took a critical look of my life and began to see that I simply was not and may never be ready for motherhood. I also asked the question do I actually want children and if so why? I was worried that my desire to be pregnant had just been a desperate need for something normal and happy. On examination I repeatedly came to the conclusion that the answer was a resounding no. Lately, however Serif has me wondering if there aren't some really neat advantages to joining the 'parent club'. My SIL and BIL make it look easy. I worked as a nanny for several years so I know how hard they really are working at being good parents. Kudos to them! I say all of that and yet seeing my uterus and ovaries caused something primal to stir in me. I think that is really weird. Tom has an intense desire to be a father. He would be a phenomenal father. The topic is a more and more frequent one between us. We asked the priest who married us to leave out the blessing for children since at that time it was something neither of us wanted. Tom was more adamant about not having children than me. I honestly believe that the ceremony and wedding vows are important. The blessing, in my mind is real and we rejected it. We couldn't even foresee a time when a family would pose a legitimate desire. Here we are, 11 years later and one of wants children so very badly and the other is on the fence. I hate that I am what stands between Tom and his dream of a family. I bring up my pragmatic and logical reasons. My arguments make sense but ultimately are pointless. Pragmatism and logic having nothing to do with his intense and earnest desire for kids. I have no idea where this ongoing discussion will take us. I'm 36, not an ideal age for starting a family. Still I find myself closer to accepting children as a real possibility.

Tom and I ended our day by bringing home some Rudy's Barbeque (expensive!) and opening a bottle Alamosa's Viognier 2004. This is the first viognier that we liked. It's a difficult grape to grow. Alamosa grows these grapes themselves. We have found that makes a huge difference in the quality and flavor of the wine. When winerys just buy the grapes from another vineyard they don't have the intimate knowledge of growing and caring for the grapes. That is our experience anyway. The Viognier was great with barbeque and I think it would be a perfect compliment to turkey or ham.

Prost!